Manliness and the Marital Vow

I. Introduction

There are two ways to keep a man from drowning in the river of marital divorce or despair: throw him a lifeline or go upstream and keep him from falling in. When it comes to the issue of marriage and divorce, there is an amazing amount of energy spent on rescue operations for those who are either in the stream of struggle or who have already divorced and are asking "where do I go from here." Relatively speaking there are far fewer efforts to "go upstream and keep them from falling in." Thus, the intent of this article is to focus energy on preventative action. As David Clark and Robert Rakestraw rightly comment, "the church must teach a positive and proactive theology of marriage. It must build a captivating vision of God's will for marriage." Only by doing so can one "be part of a preventative strategy to help stem the tidal wave of divorce in the church."¹

The purpose of this article, then, is to address, with specific regard to men (although the application to women is closely related), what I believe Scripture reveals as the primary purpose of marriage. Having done so I will then explore the implications of how that purpose ought to shape a man's marital commitment in light of the New Testament model God provides for marriage. It is my conviction that if a man properly understands the meaning and purpose that under-girds the institution of marriage, and if he were to study and emulate the model God has provided on how to live out his marital commitment, then he has a far greater chance of not only staying out of the "river of divorce" but also entering into the floods of joy God intends for those who marry.

II. The Purpose of Marriage: Worship

Genesis 1 and 2 indicate that God designed, created, and instituted marriage prior to the Fall. Because of this, his purpose and agenda for marriage is embedded in the created order and is, therefore, still meant to be the driving force behind all marriages today. Recapturing and reasserting this idea, then, is the first step in revitalizing and redirecting modern culture's (and the church's) understanding of marriage. The narrative accounts of God's creation of Adam and Eve are vital to understanding God's ultimate purpose in creating marriage.

Then God said, "Let us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth." And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. And God blessed them; and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it" (Genesis 1:26-28a).²

As the pinnacle of his creation, God specially designed human beings and set them apart in two significant ways. First, he gave them a nature distinct from all other parts of the creation: he made them image bearers. Second, God blessed them and as part of that blessing he gave them a dual task. They were to be fruitful and multiply in order to fill creation, and they were to subdue and rule over creation as benevolent stewards accomplishing the tasks God assigned. It is in fulfilling God's agenda for them that they would experience the promised blessing and presumably its accompanying joys.

The following three passages from the second chapter of Genesis are central to understanding God's purposes for marriage. The first two passages provide two essential clues to understanding God's purpose in creating marriage, referred to in the third text:

Then the LORD God took the man and put him into the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it.

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."

So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of Man." For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:15, 18, 21-25)

The first clue relates to the purpose for which God placed Adam in the Garden. In working with the Hebrew text, U. Cassuto makes the case that the English translations of Genesis 2:15 rendering God's intent for putting Adam in the Garden to "cultivate and keep it" miss an important nuance of the original text. While the English phrase "cultivate and keep" is technically accurate, the original language and context strongly suggest the idea of worship and obedience.³ John Sailhamer highlights this important linguistic nuance. Most English translations, he argues, overlook the "specific purpose for God's putting man in the garden. In most [English versions] man is ‘put' in the garden ‘to work it and take care of it.'" Sailhamer objects, however, and argues "a more suitable translation of the Hebrew . . . would be ‘to worship and obey.'" That is, "Man is put in the garden to worship God and to obey him. Man's life in the garden was to be characterized by worship and obedience."⁴

Thus, in the safety of the perfect environment that God created for him, Adam's primary task (the ultimate end for which he was created) was to worship God through obedience to the instructions God gave him. Worshipful obedience in the garden would lead to experiencing God's full blessing.

One can find the second clue regarding God's purpose for marriage in Genesis 2:18. This passage indicates that Adam was alone and God saw this was "not good." The text then indicates that God created the animals and paraded them before Adam so that he could name them. It is only after this that the text indicates Adam became aware that he was "alone," and that there was no "helper suitable for him."

One must be careful not to misinterpret this passage by mistakenly understanding Adam's being "alone" primarily in the emotional sense of "loneliness." While God certainly created Adam as a social and emotive being, it is more than reasonable to conclude that having perfect fellowship with God (the most personal being in the universe) hardly lends itself to the conclusion that Adam was "lonely" in the emotionally needy sense that is so often associated with the word today. Instead the text seems to indicate that God is concerned not so much with Adam's emotional neediness as he is with making it possible for Adam to fulfill the purpose of his existence: to worship and obey and fulfill God's agenda for creation. Further evidence for this conclusion is the fact that the Scriptural account indicates that Adam does not even seem to be aware of his aloneness until God points it out to him. Adam needed a "helper" not because he was lonely, but because it would be impossible to be fruitful, multiply, and fill the world with worshipers if he were to remain "alone."

So, in his grace, God created a perfectly complementary helper for Adam: Eve. Sailhamer comments, "in what sense was the women created to be a ‘helper'?" "[I]n light of the importance of the blessing (‘Be fruitful and increase') in the creation of the man and woman in 1:28, it appears most likely that the ‘help' envisioned is tied to the bearing of children."⁵God remedied Adam's aloneness not so much because he was emotionally needy but because remaining "alone" would make it impossible to fulfill the very purpose he was created to fulfill. He needed a companion-a suitable helper-for that task.

By piecing together these two clues one can see that if God created Adam and placed him in a garden of perfect safety and peace in order to worship and obey, and if God created Eve as Adam's perfectly complementary helper so that together they could fulfill his agenda and experience his full blessing, then one has to wonder what the world would have been like if Adam and Eve had never given in to Satan's temptations in Genesis 3. What would have happened if they had remained pure, obeyed God, and fulfilled the task to be fruitful and multiply and to rule the world and subdue it? What kind of people would have filled creation? What would Adam and Eve's fruitful oneness have accomplished?

The answer, at least in part, is a world filled with God-honoring, sinless worshippers united under one purpose: to subdue and rule the world for the glory of God! One can conclude, then, that while the union of the man and woman and the procreation of offspring are immediate ends of marriage, the ultimate purpose is the experience and expansion of the worship of God in all the earth!

To summarize and restate the point, it is important to understand that when God ordained in Genesis 2:24 that it was "for this reason" that a man shall leave, cleave, and become one flesh with his wife, the "reason" was that the marital union and procreation of the man and woman would result in the extension of the worship of God to the uttermost ends of the earth! As David Atkinson points out, "whereas both Reformed and Catholic theologies have usually answered the question as to the purpose of marriage in terms such as the following: the procreation of children, the mutual help and comfort of husband and wife for each other, the ‘prevention of unchastity'-and whereas all this may well be true-there is a prior answer given."⁶ The evidence of Scripture indicates that this "prior answer" giving ultimate meaning to marriage is the worship of God through the fulfillment of a "pre-Fall Great Commission." That is, that marriage is for a husband and wife to unite and fulfill the divinely given task, so that the glory of God may be known throughout the earth!

In regard to the implications of this point, as it specifically relates to a man and his commitment to marriage, one is wise to see that a proper understanding of marriage must be linked to an agenda far higher than unity with one's spouse or the procreation of children. While each of these are important proximate ends of marriage, they must be pursued secondarily in importance to God's ultimate agenda. While it is good and right to assert both procreation and oneness as proper ends of marriage, the "why" behind both procreation and unity offers a bigger, more captivating vision for life and marriage. In his grace God indicates that a husband and wife are to "leave," "cleave," and become "one flesh" so that humans can attain to, and encourage others to pursue, the full expression of what they were made for: the worship and glory of God.

When a man enters into marriage and takes a vow of commitment, that vow links him to an overarching purpose much bigger than is usually understood or encouraged, and he is wise to understand it in light of this high and glorious calling. It is his responsibility to lead and guide his marriage to reflect and advance the glory of God. As John Piper writes, "Marriage exists to magnify the truth and worth and beauty and greatness of God; God does not exist to magnify marriage."⁷Filling the earth with the worship and praise of God is the driving purpose behind making and keeping a marriage vow and ought to be chief on the heart and mind of a man as he enters into marriage and takes responsibility for leadership.

III. The Model of Marriage: Christ's Relationship with the Church

If worship is the purpose behind marriage that ought to drive a man's commitment, what plan has God put in place to help facilitate the accomplishment of his agenda? Prior to the Fall, God's agenda was simply and inherently bound up with the life and experience of the sinless first couple. After the Fall, however, Scripture indicates that the human heart no longer naturally moves toward the heart of God or the fulfillment of his agenda (Romans 3). Thus, in his grace God initiated a series of covenantal relationships with his people to provide salvation from the wages of sin, and to offer hope and guidance through the wilderness of their now sinful existence. The covenantal promises God initiated with Abraham, Jacob, and David find their fulfillment in Jesus Christ's covenantal love and promises to his bride-the church (Luke 1:67-79). Through his life, death, and resurrection Jesus graciously embodies the means and example by which human beings can once again know and pursue God's agenda of filling the earth with worshipers (Matt 28:18-20; Titus 2:11-14; Rev 5:9). Thus, in order for a man rightly to fulfill his marital commitment, he not only needs to orient his life and marriage toward the expansion of God's glory throughout all the earth, but also must do so in a manner that mirrors Christ's love for the church.

It is Paul's teaching in Eph 5:22-32 that specifically makes this point.

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church . . . as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her... For this cause a Man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church (Eph 5:22-23a, 24-25, 31-32; emphasis mine).

Christ's relationship with the church is to be the primary model for understanding the nature and intensity of the marital vow. Paul's teaching is that marriage ought to picture Christ's relationship with the church and that husbands ought to love their wives in a manner reflective of the sacrificial way Christ loved his bride.

How does this relate to the marital vow a husband makes to his wife? Christ's vow to the church is to love her with an everlasting love. He accomplishes this by fulfilling his promises regardless of his bride's actions. By analogy, then, when a man enters into a marriage covenant, God's design is that the new marriage will provide for the world a picture of Christ's covenant relationship with the church.

Scripture teaches clearly that those who have placed their faith in Christ for the forgiveness of sins can rest assured in their relationship with Christ. This is so because Christ's covenant with his bride (the church) is dependant upon his work on the cross, his immutability, his unfailing nature and his faithfulness to his covenant promises. The relationship does not center on the ability of sinners not to sin!⁸ Christ promises that he will never leave nor fail his bride (Heb 13:5). While sinful humans are obviously not God, and while a sinful man cannot fulfill his marital vow as perfectly as Christ loves the church, that does not affect the standard of what marriage was designed and ought to be! Image bearers are to grow in the likeness of God and be conformed to the image of Christ (Rom 8:29). Therefore, when a man enters marriage he ought to attain to the perfect standard Christ set for him.

IV. Understanding Our Vow to One Another: Three Points of Application 

Following this pattern, then, the marital commitment a husband makes should have at least three points of focus.

First, and far too underemphasized by most Christians, the marital vow must not be divorced from the ultimate purpose that grounds marriage in God's universal agenda. When a man enters into marriage, his marital vow and marital practice should not only seek the mutual gain possible between marriage partners, but must be first of all oriented in every respect toward individual and corporate worship of Christ. It is important to note that Paul's pre-eminent discussion of marriage in the book of Ephesians falls in the midst of a larger discussion in which he is encouraging the believers to put on godly behavior so that their lives, and the life of the church, would be as a fragrant aroma unto God (Eph. 5:2). The point is that marriage must be understood in light of a larger perspective in which Christians, whatever they do, are to do everything for the glory of God (1 Cor 10:31; Col 3:17).

Second, as one seeks to worship the Savior in and through marriage, it almost goes without saying that a serious pursuit of one's marriage vow should lead to a radical demonstration of sacrificial love and devotion of a man toward his wife. In a day and age of revolving-door marriages, it is important to reemphasize that a man's devotion to his wife ought to be radical in nature. Like Christ loves the church, a man should, without exception, tenaciously hold to his vow "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer."

Finally, Jesus came to seek and to save the lost (Luke 19:10). He commissioned his church to do likewise (Matt 28:18-20). By its very nature, then, Christ's relationship with his bride has a salvific, evangelistic intent and fragrance. Because marriage, by God's design, is supposed to be the closest picture of Christ's relationship with his church available in a sinful world, it is imperative that a man understand the evangelistic nature of his marital vow. It is God's intention that, when a marriage covenant reflects the divine covenant, it not only serves as a pleasing aroma of worship but also as an aroma that draws others to salvation (2 Cor 2:14-16). In this way marriage is meant to increase God's fame throughout the earth both by example and intent. As marriage was linked in the Old Testament to the filling of the earth with worshippers (Gen 1:28), so also ought a man understand that his marriage is linked to the "Great Commission" of the New Testament (Matt 28:18-20).

The stunning nature of these points ought to both amaze and stagger us. The sheer privilege it is that a man can both worship God in and through his marriage, as well as mirror Christ's love for the church in such a way that it has evangelistic power, ought to wake him (and all of us) to the high and glorious calling that marriage is. The wonder of God's plan and purpose for marriage is so far above the common idea of marriage that permeates modern culture, that when a man considers entering into a marriage he ought to be astounded, and perhaps even frightened, by the immense meaning and responsibility his marital vow entails. Only through the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the filling of the Holy Spirit can he have confidence that he will lead his marriage toward these lofty ends.

On the other side of the coin, a man ought to be saddened and repentant whenever his choices in marriage reflect to the world something not true of Christ and his relationship to his bride. Perhaps such amazement, healthy fear, and even repentant sorrow would motivate re-appraisal and recommitment toward the God-intended nature of our marital vow. Worshiping Christ, and encouraging others to do likewise, in and through one's marriage is simply a fundamental reason marriage exists, and it ought to be a foundational understanding underlying every man's marital vow, for it is the means to experiencing God's fullest blessing.

V. The Implications of Our Marital Vow: A Christ-Centered Understanding 

Having explored the biblical and theological foundations behind a man's marriage vow, the application to life and practice (ethics) is relatively straightforward. Because marriage is to model Christ's relationship with the church, it is only reasonable to conclude that the way Christ understood and kept his covenant with his bride ought to be the standard by which a man keeps his promises. Practically speaking, questions one might raise about the marital vow can and ought to be answered in light of Christ's example in loving the church (Eph 5:25).

In keeping with this, the following four questions asked about marriage-but answered in light of Christ's covenant-keeping love-highlight the kind of practical understanding a man should have in regard to making and keeping his own marital vow.

1. What is the purpose of marriage? In light of the fact that marriage is to be a picture of Christ's relationship with the church, the answer can be found in answering this analogous question: "What was the purpose of Christ's love for the church?"

Two answers (at least) are clear. First, according to Phil 2:8-11 Christ was committed as a covenant keeper to humble himself and lay down his life for the church so that one day every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father. In other words, Christ kept the covenant in order to fulfill the highest calling-to worship and glorify God. In addition, Christ was committed to keep the covenant in order that he might radically serve and forgive his bride.

The implications from these answers to a man's marriage, then, are likewise two-fold. In regard to the purpose of one's marriage consider the following implications:

a. Like Christ, a husband must be committed to keeping his vow as an act of worship and glorification of God.

b. Like Christ, a man must be committed to a radical service and forgiveness of his wife.

2. Why should a man keep (honor) his marriage vow? In light of the fact that marriage is to be a picture of Christ's relationship with the church, the answer can be found in answering this analogous question: "Why did Christ fulfill his vow?"

Once again two answers present themselves. First, according to Luke 22:39 Christ fulfilled the covenant and kept the vow because it was God's will. Jesus was committed to aligning his will with the Father's-"yet not My will, but Thine be done." In other words, he was committed to radical obedience to the Father's will and the rules for fulfilling the covenant. Second, contrary to the sinful tendency to maximize one's own fleshly pleasures according to one's own agenda, Hebrews 12:2 indicates that it was "for the joy set before Him" that Jesus was willing to endure the cross knowing God's way would produce the highest joy.

In regard to the reason why a man keeps his marriage vow then, consider the following implications:

c. Like Christ, a man must be committed to a radical willingness to obey his marital vow.

d. Like Christ, a man pursues and finds the highest, most fulfilling joy possible in marriage through obeying and keeping his vow.

3. What if my spouse is unworthy of my love? In light of the fact that marriage is to be a picture of Christ's relationship with the church, the answer can be found in answering this analogous question: "What if the church is unworthy of Christ's love?"

If one hasn't seen the radical nature of the marital vow until now, certainly the answers to this question will demonstrate why the marital vow must be treated with solemnity and utmost respect. First, obviously the church was and continues to be unworthy of Christ's love. Every person who has ever lived (with the exception of Christ) has rightfully earned death (Rom 3:23; 6:23). Yet through his love and his forgiveness, Christ was (and is) willing to overcome human sin and then continue unfailing in his commitment. Christ's love and willingness to keep the covenant was (and is) not dependent on the behavior of the other.

Thus, what should a man do if his wife is unworthy of his love? In light of Christ's example it is clear that:

e. Like Christ, a man must be committed to a radical willingness to overcome and forgive what seems "unforgivable."

f. Like Christ, a man must be committed to a persevering, relentless love that is not dependant upon the actions of the other.

Along these lines T.A. Lacey correctly comments that, "If marriage were a contractual relation, an artificial partnership, it would be terminable not only by a failure to achieve its object, but even more equitably by mutual consent." However, because it was created by God as a permanent institution prior to the Fall (in the order of nature) "it is indissoluble except by an event equally in the order of nature, and this can be found only in death."⁹

4. What if the cost for a man keeping his marriage together is very, very high? In light of the fact that marriage is to be a picture of Christ's relationship with the church, the answer can be found in answering this analogous question: "What if the cost of Christ keeping his covenant with the church is very, very high?"

Consider the model of Jesus that we are to emulate. He was willing to surrender his own "rights" completely when he uttered in Gethsemane "not my will, but Thine be done" (Luke 22:39). This act was the ultimate act of worship portrayed in the Scriptures. Jesus was willing to demonstrate his love for us in that "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom 5:8).

Regarding the cost a man must be willing to pay in order to keep his marital vow then, it is clear, in light of Christ's example that:

g. Like Christ, a man must be committed to a radical willingness to surrender his own "rights" for the sake of his wife and the marriage for the glory of God.

h. Like Christ, a man must be willing to die for the benefit of his wife.

VI. Conclusion: The Treasure

Jesus said, "The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field" (Matt 13:44). While the wisdom of the man purchasing the field is noteworthy, the focus of the passage is on the source of great joy through the pursuit and finding of the treasure. God himself is the treasure! Only in the pursuit of him will one find true joy!

In his amazing grace God has designed marriage to be a vehicle for pursuing him. Like a luxurious ship that can carry one through the waters of struggle and despair in times of doubt or trouble, God created marriage as a means to a wondrous end. Unfortunately, because of sin, men do not always follow the intended route and end up falling into the river of disobedience, despair, and divorce.

To say that it is unfortunate that this emphasis on God's high and wondrous designs for marriage are lost on modern culture is a serious understatement. What is even more tragic is the reality that many Christian men enter into marriage with no idea of what they are actually entering into. Perhaps the most tragic thing of all is that many pastors and teachers who do pre-marital and marital counseling do not emphasize these points. Nonetheless, a man will only begin to experience the greatest possible joy in marriage when he pursues God's purposes and does so according to his plan.

It is the job of a man to lead by his life and demonstrate in his commitments his aim toward the goal of filling the earth with the worship of Christ. When a man understands and lives out his marriage vow modeled after Christ's example, the implications may seem demanding, but they are also compelling. It is the high and lofty dream that enflames the heart of a man. Following the pattern Christ laid out in the way he demonstrated love for his bride so that worship and glory come to the Father is the highest and loftiest goal a man can have and pursue in marriage. It is also the path to the greatest joy possible one can experience in marriage.

God designed marriage to be so much more than we can imagine! It is vital that when a man enters into it he does so standing on the firm foundation of its purpose and goal and with anticipation and determination to exemplify Christ-like love in a manner that shouts out the wonder of God's love to a dying world that longs to know what it is all about.