The Holy Vocation of Singleness: The Single Person in the Family of God

 Why Think about This Topic?

Everyone starts by being single. Some people remain single, and at least half of the married will end by being single again when their spouses die. This needs to be thought about and prepared for so that life is full and use-ful for the single person. How does a Christian think about and prepare for a full and useful life as a single person?

Temporary Dwellers

Before we begin, it is worth reminding ourselves that in this world we are temporary dwellers - aliens - and that our real citizenship is in heaven. In Philippians it is described like this: "But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables Him to bring everything under His control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like His glorious body" (Phil. 3:20). A firm grasp of this truth will be helpful as we reflect on where our deepest affections should be.

When we settle down in this life as if this is all there is, as if we belong in this world, we will find all Kingdom decisions difficult to make. They may seem unfair and unreasonable. We may begin to think that, as Christians, we are deprived. Yet, in the light of heaven, nothing could be further away from the truth. We need to remind ourselves that now, in the world, the extension of the Kingdom of God and the spread of the Gospel are our highest priorities. When we take our place in the New Creation there will be time and opportunity to pursue everything that is good, which for the urgent sake of the Gospel as single people we set aside in this life.

The Bible Has a Positive Attitude to Singleness

I often was made to feel that being single was a drawback for a Christian. Yet, the Bible has a different attitude altogether. In answer to the question "Can a man divorce his wife for any reason at all?" Jesus says that he may do that only if adultery has been committed. The disciples are astonished by the answer and conclude that they had better be single and not marry at all if this is the case. To this Jesus replies "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it" (Matthew 19:11-12).

Being single, then, is affirmed by the Lord Jesus as a holy vocation - as a gift - given by God, "for the sake of the Kingdom of heaven." So, even though it is the norm for people to marry (Gen. 2:18), those who can accept the saying of the Lord Jesus should. Singleness is a gift from God - as marriage is - yet neither is better; neither is inferior. God forbids one to be made superior to the other. Paul condemns men "who forbid marriage and advocate abstaining from foods, which God has created to be gratefully shared in by those who believe and know the truth" (1 Tim. 4:3). It is clear from this passage that God will not allow man to proclaim marriage or singleness greater than the other, for this would be to forbid either institution on a certain level.

The Single Person and the Lord's Affairs

The Corinthian church had written to the Apostle Paul asking questions about marriage. It is not clear what the exact question was, as Paul's answer ranges widely over the topics of divorce, marriage and singleness. We know from Genesis 2 that God designed marriage for companionship and for having children - the propagation of a godly seed. Paul adds that in the Corinthian situation marriage was a guard against immorality and the strain of unfulfilled sexual desire (1 Cor. 7:1-2; 9).

For those who can, however, the Apostle advises singleness. He gives two reasons for this advice. He wants to spare them "trouble in this life" (v. 28). Second, he knows that in singleness they will be able to give themselves completely to the "Lord's affairs" (v. 32-35).

Marriage, while a gift and a blessing, does bring difficulties. In Australia one in three marriages ends in divorce - I suspect that among Christians this is less. However, many Christian couples have children who don't become Christians. These are just two trials that can make life very difficult for married people. Even in Australia, then, we see the benefits Paul is discussing. Staying single spares the person the troubles of married life. Singleness still allows us to give ourselves totally to the work of the Gospel. Not only that, but single people generally have more time and money with which they can devote themselves to Gospel ministry. They have a flexibility that is not always possible for married couples because of the consideration which must be given to spouse and family. Consequently, for reasons such as these, singles are expected to use their gifts and time in a way that married people cannot.

I think one of the most trying times in my life as a single man was between the age of twenty-five and thirty-five. Many of my Christian friends urged marriage on me. They had recently become married and wanted me to share the same wonderful experience they had. I understood this, but when they tried to make it a Christian responsibility and suggested that my ministry would be incomplete without marriage, I was irritated. This is not what the Bible teaches. Indeed we should be asking single people to consider if, as the Lord Jesus says, they can receive this saying, and whether, for the sake of the Gospel, they should stay single. I don't think I ever consciously made a decision to stay single. I was just too busy with ministry and so didn't get around to it. But that is part of Paul's point: singles can be busy with ministry. They are not distracted with the troubles of the world. Without me ever stopping to think about it, God has given me the gift of singleness.

I want to reiterate what I said before. A careful reading of 1 Corinthians 7 will show that God wants the best for us. For some that will be marriage and for others singleness; neither is better than the other. If you are single and you think you are hardly done by then, let me advise you to dwell on the advantages you have in flexibility and time for ministry - and be happy. You would be wise not to idealize marriage as if it were a perpetual state of bliss.

The Temptations of the Single Person

Since marriage is designed for companionship and for sexual expression, the particular temptations for a single person are usually loneliness and sexual fantasy. Active steps are needed to avoid falling in these areas. Rather than struggle alone, you are able to phone friends and speak with them or invite them to your home. Keep feeding your mind on what is wholesome. This is Paul's command: "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely ... let your mind dwell on these things" (Phil. 4:8). Those who are married should pray for single people in these areas of temptation. They may have a gift from God to stay single. That, however, does not immunize us from temptation; singles are sinful like everyone else. Singles need the Church, as do married people, to grow in their love for the Lord.

The Single Person and the People of God

Consider the story of the rich young ruler who asks the Lord Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life. Jesus tells him to sell his goods and give them to the poor, that he might have riches in heaven. He leaves sadly after hearing that, because he is very wealthy. At the end of the story Peter says, "We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?" Jesus replies, "I tell you the truth, no one who has left home or brothers or sisters, or mother or father or children or fields for me and the Gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields - and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first" (Mark 10:29-31). There are great blessings for serving God as a single person.

Single people are not alone. They have the presence of God with them and they belong to the large family of the church. I have no children or grandchildren, but at church I have more "grandchildren" than I can relate to. I visited a church in Northern Ireland where each Sunday school class had "grandparents" from the con-gregation. These grandparents had the children around for tea from time to time and prayed for them and their teacher. I noticed that several of these were single people. With examples like this of the family of God, no one - not even singles - needs fear loneliness.

Another point to remember is that it is possible for parents to so "worship" their biological family so as to neglect the family of God. This "cult of family" can be a subtle form of idolatry. Jesus addresses this kind of idolatry in Luke 14:26: "If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple."

Some Advice to Marrieds

Let me make some final comments to married couples about some matters which have been helpful for me and some which have been less helpful as a single man. Perhaps these will help married couples minister to singles more effectively.

Several people have invited me to be with them when they celebrate their children's birthdays, or when they have been on a family outing - especially when the children were young. I can't always go but I like being asked. When describing the nature of your church please don't exclude me by saying, "This is a family-oriented church." You could as easily say, "We aim to cater to all ages of people here at this church." I'll feel as if I belong then. If you invite single people to dinner, don't feel you have to "match" them with someone else at dinner. It is possible to have odd numbers. Finally, please pray for and encourage single people to be faithfully serving Christ.