Reflections on Marriage: Looking Back Fifteen Years and the Lord's Design for Marriage in Genesis

Today, my wife and i celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. As I've been reflecting on our marriage, my mind has been drawn to Genesis 2:24: "For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." This beautiful verse has much to teach us. Here are some things I've gleaned from it.

1. When You Get Married, You Change Your Priorities.

The Hebrew word ya'azob is often translated "leave" but it can also mean "forsake". This latter translation fits better with the fact that Israelite marriage was usually patrilocal. The husband did not physically leave his parents. His wife left hers and the new couple lived in or near his parents' home. What does it mean, then, for a man to forsake his parents? It means his priorities must change. Prior to marriage, a man's first obligation was to honor God. His second was to honor his father and his mother. But now a change has occurred. A man must still honor God first in his life. But now his obligation to his wife takes precedence over his obligations to his parents.¹

When Terri and I were married, we realized that our priorities had to change. For this reason, we asked that the wedding homily be based on Philippians 2:3-4. "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests but also for the interests of others." We knew that each of us was marrying a sinner-by God's grace a redeemed sinner, but still a self-seeking, self-centered sinner.

Over the years we have learned that we must return to the cross of Christ again and again and die to our plans, our hopes and ourselves, and place the interest of each other and our growing family before our own interests. This week provided a graphic illustration of this. We had made plans to celebrate our anniversary by going out for a special dinner. But God has also granted us four children (ages 2-8) whom we dearly love. And three of them came down with various illnesses this week, one of which required a brief hospitalization. Plans had to be revised and postponed. When you get married, your priorities change.

2. When You Get Married, You Establish A Covenant.

A man is to cleave or stick to his wife. Both "forsake" and "stick" are covenantal terms. They are used to describe God's covenant with His people. In both testaments, God promises not to forsake His people (Deut. 31:8, Josh. 1:5, Heb. 13:5). And His people are repeatedly urged to stick to the Lord (Deut. 10:20, 11:22, 13:5). All this points to the fact that marriage is a covenant.²

Many people today talk about a covenantal understanding of marriage, but very few actually explain what it means. Here is how James Olthius describes it. "Marriage is a mutual, permanent, exclusive, one-flesh union between husband and wife, characterized by troth... Marriage is a partnership of troth." But what is troth? "Troth is an Old English term for truth, faithfulness, loyalty and honesty. The single word troth captures the nuances of trust, reliability, scrupulousness, ingenuousness, authenticity, integrity and fidelity."³ In a marriage, a man and a woman stand before each other and make promises. They make vows. The man says, "I pledge you my troth." The woman says, "I pledge you my troth." And as they say this, they do not stand alone. They make these vows before witnesses: God, family and friends. This is why we have a best man and a maid or matron of honor. It is not because they look nice in fancy clothes. It is their special task to make sure the husband and wife keep their vows.

This pledging of troth comes to characterize the whole marriage relationship. "Mutual dependence and trust allow husband and wife to be genuine and real with each other. Each can be accepted and loved for what he is. A wife need not compete with other women for her husband's love and affection: she has it. Her husband has sworn a bond of lifelong troth to her to which God is the witness. Neither does the husband have to compete with other men for his wife's continued affection. Both of them settled that matter when they married. That is the very meaning of marriage: both partners count on the other's fidelity."⁴

3. When You Get Married, You Have Sex.

A man is to be united to his wife. He is not to be united to a woman who is not his wife. He is not to be united to a man or to an animal. A man is to be united to his wife. Not several wives, but one wife. Thus, this verse teaches that marriage is to be between one man and one woman. Pre-marital and extra-marital sex is excluded, as are homosexuality, bestiality and polygamy.

When we talk about sex, ultimately we have to go back to discover the purpose of marriage. Douglas Wilson gives a helpful discussion on this topic. First, marriage is designed to provide helpful companionship. God gave Adam a task to do, but he couldn't do it alone. Woman was created to help him do his work. Men and women need each other, though they need each other in different ways. Man needs the help; woman needs to help. He is oriented to the task. She is oriented to him. Husband and wife are designed to complement each other, not compete with each other. Second, marriage is designed to produce godly children. Chapters like Genesis 1 and 2 and verses like Malachi 2:15 teach that procreation is one of the purposes of marriage. Third, marriage is designed to prevent sexual immorality. Temptations to lust, fornicate and commit adultery are real in a fallen, sinful world. Sexual activity needs to be qualitative (for the wife) and quantitative (for the husband).⁵

Fifteen years of marriage is really not all that long. In some ways it seems like we're still at the beginning. But I can heartily agree with Scripture that marriage is good. God has used it to shape and mould my character, to enrich my understanding of Himself and to help me follow His will. I thank God for giving me a wonderful friend.