Order in the Court: God's Plan for Marriage
James MacDonald
If you've ever had the unfortunate occasion to be in court, you know that order is very highly valued. If you break the order of the court and don't heed the judge's gavel, he or she can hand down some pretty harsh punishments. The Illinois Lawyer's Trial Handbook says the punishment should be "sufficient to vindicate the authority of the court and serve as a deterrent to others." If the judge bangs the gavel, you better come to order fast or experience some heavy consequences.
God likes everything in order too. When He made the universe, He put everything in its place. God is not disorganized; He doesn't forget or misplace things. God is not busy or hurried. He is never stretched or stressed or maxed out or exhausted or dismayed in any way. God is a God of order (see, for example, 1 Cor 14:33, 40; Col 2:5; Titus 1:5).
If you're serious about living under God's authority, you want to live under His good and gracious order. It matters a great deal to God that we fulfill the roles that He's called us to. Nowhere does this hit hardest and have the most impact than behind the doors of our own homes. God's Word so often meets us at a place where our thinking has eroded and corrects the ways we have bought into the world's way of thinking. Colossians 3:18-23 outlines God's order that leads to life and joy and peace:
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Slaves, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eyeservice, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord.
Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.
This passage clearly calls our lives at the most personal level to order in God's court.
Wives Follow God's Order through Submission.
"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord." The Greek word for submission, hupotassō, means to place yourself willingly under the authority of another.
Luke 2:51 uses this word of Christ when He placed Himself under His parents' authority.
Luke 10:17 describes how demons were placed under the authority of the disciples.
Rom 13:1 calls each of us to put ourselves under the law of government.
Eph 1:22 tells of the day when Jesus Christ will return and the entire universe will be under His feet.
Col 3:18 commands, "wives to submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord."
There it is—the first half of God's order. A wife is willingly to place herself under the direction of her husband, under the covering and protection that his leadership provides. The bulls eye of this teaching is that submission is the wife's personal choice. It can never be forced but is always her decision.
The best illustration of this comes from traffic. When you see the "merge" sign, you know that someone has to go first and someone has to go second. Too often the I'm-going-to-go-first battle causes nothing but frustration. Everyone knows that there is only a place for one, so someone has to lead.
God Himself is the leader of the universe. Elders are the leaders of the church. Husbands are the leaders of the home. That clear biblical teaching has been understood and accepted in the church for two thousand years—until recently.
In man's small attempt to compromise God's line of order, the idea of co-headship between a husband and wife has become an acceptable workaround. But co-headship is always a collision. "Two heads" only describes a monster. In attempting to blur the distinction between men and women, coheadship in effect erases the fingerprint of the creative genius of Almighty God.
Let's Get Some Misunderstandings Cleared Up
Submission Has Nothing to Do with Equality
The Son is not pouting around heaven saying, "Why can't I be the Father?" The Son is in submission to the Father, and the Spirit is in submission to the Father and the Son. Yet Scripture teaches they are equal. Headship has nothing to do with equality. Go back to the first book and first chapter of the Bible and notice that men and women are created equal before God. Galatians 3:28 also makes it very clear that there is no male nor female in salvation and in the church but that men and women are equal under God in every way.
But hear this: equality does not require sameness. This is where the world makes the mistake. They think that in order for men and women to be really equal they have to be able to do the exact same things. God did not design men and women to be interchangeable. Women can do things that men cannot do, and the converse is also true.
Submission Has Nothing to Do with Worth
I love Prov 31:10, "Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies." Submission in no way implies inferiority in status or worth.
Submission is Not about Gifts
In certain areas, my wife has natural gifts that far exceed mine. It's also important to note that spiritual gifts are not distributed based on gender (1 Corinthians 12).
Submission is about God's design for the order in the home today, not just in the culture of the original instruction. God is the reference point, the God who never changes, and says, "This is fitting in the Lord."
However, because of the way that Col 3:18 has been twisted and used to injure godly women, we must make several caveats:
First, submission does not apply to all men, ladies. Ephesians 5:22, the parallel passage, clearly says, "Submit yourselves to your own husband." The bigger text of Scripture teaches that godly women find their protection under the covering of godly husbands and then eldership in a local church. Not just any guy qualifies.
Submission does not apply in the case of sin. If your husband asks you to sin or asks you to do something unbiblical, you're not to do it. Acts 5:29 says "to obey God rather than man." Ladies, you don't want to show up in heaven someday and say, "Well, I know I shouldn't have done that, but my husband told me to." You personally are responsible to do what's right before God.
We are naïve if we shield ourselves from the reality that some men have abused this scenario. The question then becomes, how much abuse is too much to take? Abuse can range from a careless comment or a mean-spirited word all the way to physical or sexual harm. Where to draw that line is difficult to determine. But of this I am sure: when the authority structure in the home fails and begins to cause injury, God provides the authority structure of the church as a protection. If the message of submission produces fear in a woman's heart, i.e., fear that her husband will use this truth to cause injury, then the woman needs to go to her pastor and/or elder at her church, and they must offer her help in appropriate proportion to the danger. May God help us to be the strong, protective leaders He calls us to be.
Correction, Please!
Now, as much as I'd love to move on to the next point right now, we must heed Titus 1:9 and correct those in opposition. A while back I was handed a tape by a local pastor, whom I respect, who was promoting a position called egalitarianism, which promotes the elimination of all role distinction based upon gender. I must tell you that as I listened to his teaching, I had to turn the tape off five times just to get through it. This teaching is absolutely in error and wreaks havoc in the churches that teach it. It breaks down and confuses the authority structure that God intends for our homes. Again, it mandates that equality requires sameness. Clearly, the Bible teaches that the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit are equal yet the Spirit submits to the Son and the Son submits to the Father. This is God's order for Himself. Would we humble ourselves to recognize that He also establishes order for the church and the home?
Husbands Follow God's Order through Love
Now I think I understand our hesitation to the whole concept of submission. We're all concerned for the abuse of the order. Again, let's turn to Scripture for the balancing truth. Ephesians 5:22-25 calls men to order in a very specific way.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her; So husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself (v. 25).
What woman won't follow a man who loves his wife as Christ loves the church? Leadership is not dictatorship. Authoritarian men who abuse the role of leadership are the number one reason why women struggle to fulfill the role that God has ordained for them.
In God's order, men are responsible for the condition of their marriage. I believe with all of my heart that everything rises or falls on your leadership, men. You are the God-ordained leader of your home. If you have a great home or a great marriage, you can praise God for the rewards that will come from that. If you have a hurting or a struggling marriage or your wife is discouraged for whatever reason, you can have a powerful impact on bringing her from wherever she is now to where she needs to be by applying consistently God's Word.
Do you want to spark the passion, fan the flame, feel the fire that took you to the front of a church and pushed from your lips the words, "I do"? Then follow God's order for your marriage.
Here are some tips from 1 Pet 3:7 on how to achieve this ideal in your own marriage.
"Likewise, you husbands, dwell with [your wife] with understanding, giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel and, as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered."
This one verse is packed with six ways to follow God's order of leadership in your home:
(1) Spend Time with Your Wife ("Likewise, you husbands, dwell with them ...")
That word dwell is interesting. It could mean "to cohabit" and possibly refer to the sexual relationship, but most commentators agree that the intention is deeper than just physical intimacy. The term encompasses all that married life involves. The nearest English equivalent to the word dwell is the idea of "to make a home with" but it means a whole lot more than just living at the same address. To dwell with your wife is to really invest, to share, to do life with her.
Every man understands the concept. If you want to lower your handicap or raise your bowling average or grow the best lawn or shrink your waistline or demolish the competition at work—it takes time! Get this in your head: you don't get a great marriage by riding around in the same car, or by sleeping in the same bed or eating at the same table. A good marriage is not contagious—you can't catch it. You have to invest in it. Pour time into your relationship or you're not going to have a great marriage. That is what it means to dwell with her.
I'll bet you're thinking, "How much time is this going to take?"
Start with this: 15 minutes a day. One evening a week. One whole day a month. One weekend a year.
I pray to God that our homes will ring afresh with phrases like, "Why don't you come with me? We can talk." Or, "Let's go together because I want to be with you." Husbands, dwell with your wives.
(2) Study Your Wife ("Likewise, you husbands, dwell with them with understanding ...")
The New International Version translates it as, "be considerate." The New American Standard version says, "live with them in an understanding way." A literal rendering of the Greek text is, "dwell with your wife according to knowledge."
Knowledge about what? Knowledge of every piece of information you can get your hands on. Study the Bible. "What kind of husband am I supposed to be?" As you spend time with your wife, observe her. Become a student of your wife, men. Know what she loves. Know what she hates. Know what fires her up. Know what discourages her. Know when the good time and the bad time is to approach her. Understand what makes her tick. You will bless her if you do.
Wives love to be understood. It fires them up. They love it when they don't have to explain stuff to you; they love it when you just know. Get serious about it. Your wife is praying you will.
(3) Honor Your Wife ("Likewise, you husbands, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife ...")
"What's honor?" This word is used only here in the New Testament. In another ancient document, it was used of a military officer who was commended for giving his soldiers due respect. This is the idea to value who she is, what she does, and to reward her with every means available to you. Give her what she deserves. The primary focus here, however, is verbal. Honor her in public, in front of people, and not just in private.
In fact, if I wanted to see if you were really honoring your wife, all that would need to be done is to ask for the phone numbers of your parents and her parents and all the guys that you work with and the people you know that she doesn't know, and survey them, "What does [Husband] think of [Wife]?" Whatever their answers to those questions- that's it right there. What do you say about her?
(4) Protect Her ("Likewise, you husbands, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel ...")
All through Scripture, the human body is compared to a vessel (Jeremiah 18, Acts 9, Romans 9, 2 Timothy 2). The word "vessel" communicates the idea that the human body is a like a piece of pottery or a clay jar.
Some people find the idea that women are the weaker vessel to be offensive. If you have a hard time accepting that, declare an arm wrestling tournament in your church or community. I would bet that the top ten finishers would be men. True or false? While it's true women are physically weaker, we've already determined that woman are equal to men.
Husbands, protect your wives. God has wired women in such a way that they feel safest when they have that sense spiritually and, here in this text, physically that you are protecting and caring for them. It's a big deal to women.
Ask yourself, "Does my wife feel safe with me?" Does she feel covered by my strength? Does she feel protected by my God-given presence? Does she feel secure because of my sensitivity to her given need for protection?
(5) Open Up to Her ("... as being heirs together of the grace of life ...")
The "grace of life" is all of the blessings that God pours into our lives—all His goodness that we don't deserve. The grace of life is everything from the joy of the honeymoon to the children, to the children's marriages, to all of the joyful, happy things that happen in married life.
Notice Scripture says a man and a wife are heirs together of the grace of life. If you are one of God's children, you have some good things coming. And as those good things come into your home, you are heirs together. Together is the operative word. It's not my right to hoard the blessings of life on myself. God's design is that we would share life together. If you're going to have a relationship with your wife, that is going to mean you must open yourself up to her, disclose yourself to her, share yourself with her.
Women's number one complaint as it relates to their husbands—Christian or otherwise—is "Why won't he open up to me?" I'm not an expert on many things, but this was the subject of my doctoral thesis. I've read 1500+ pages on the often documented fact that men do not disclose themselves normally to their wives. And the fallout in their relationship is incredible.
While a man's behavior is visible, his experience most often is not. Your wife can't know you by watching you. The only way she can get to know you is if you tell her about yourself. It does not work simply to live in the same house and she watches you come and go. It doesn't work. She has to be able to understand what you are feeling and experiencing, or she cannot know you.
The process of making oneself known is called self-disclosure. We may speculate about a person by watching what they do, but we will not truly know them as they are without them choosing to make themselves known. Simply put: Self-disclosure is letting myself be known as I understand myself to be.
Some women know the pain of living with a husband who is a closed book. If you say, "I can't figure out why my wife can be close to so-and-so, but not to me." I'll tell you why—it's because you won't make yourself known. She can't know you.
People are only willing to disclose with others who are willing to reciprocate. While someone may make themselves vulnerable as an investment in the relationship, they will quickly pull back if they sense that they have given something that they will not receive in turn. Do you get it? She may open up and disclose herself for a while, but if she is not finding out information equivalent to that which she is giving, she will stop making herself known to you. That is how couples grow apart.
So to help you, here are five ice-breakers to get you started opening up to your wife. Just say, "Honey,
(1) I don't know why it's hard for me to open up, but I want to ..."
(2) (Or its corollary) Do you know why it's so hard for me to open up?"
(3) It means so much to me when you..."
(4) Something that really frightens me is ..."
(5) A hard time for me is when ..."
Here it is in a sentence: If you want a hot, happening marriage in the order that God has designed, then open up to your wife. Answer her little questions about how you feel about something. It may seem trivial to you, but may be important to her. If you want to have a relationship, you have to make yourself known.
(6) Pray with Her ("... that your prayers may not be hindered.")
The word hindered means to cut off. It's the idea of throwing an obstacle in the way of an intended path. If you're not doing these things with your wife, your prayer life is being blocked.
In the original Greek, there is no adjective describing hindrance. That means it doesn't say it will hinder your prayer life in some specific way. It will hinder your prayer life in every way. Do you struggle with prayer? Do you find it hard to concentrate in prayer? God doesn't answer me. I practically never pray with my wife. My prayers are cut off somewhere. All that describes the word "hindered." This is a negative promise of Scripture. It says that if you don't dwell with your wife in an understanding way, giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel, as heirs together of the grace of life, your prayers will be made difficult in every way.
Allow God Himself to convict your heart about your responsibilities in your marriage, men. And do something about it!
Conclusion
The world is clamoring to blur the distinctive roles between men and women. Even many in the church, in the name of "liberation," seek to break down the walls of role and gender distinction. I think it interesting that the following statement, written by the Southern Baptists (the largest evangelical denomination in the world) and adopted by Campus Crusade for Christ (the largest parachurch ministry in the world), supporting God's order for marriage appeared on a full page ad in USA Today in August 1999, and voiced the affirmation of 131 evangelicals that "you are right!" in holding forth the Bible's teachings on marriage. Here is just a summary (view full statement):
The husband and wife are of equal worth before God. Since both are created in God's image, the marriage relationship models the way that God relates to His people. A husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. He has the God-given responsibility to provide for, to protect, and to lead his family. A wife is to submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband, even as the church willingly submits to the headship of Christ. She, being in the image of God, as is her husband, and thus equal to him, has the God-given responsibility to respect her husband and to serve as his helper in managing the household and nurturing the next generation. In a marriage lived according to these truths, the love between husband and wife will show itself in listening to each other's viewpoints, valuing each other's gifts, honoring one another in public and in private, and always seeking to bring benefit and not harm to one another.
We need not compromise, manipulate, or revise God's Word to accommodate a pagan culture. God's Word is very clear and means no less than what it says. God's order for marriage and the home leads to life and joy and peace.
