Defenders of Women

"Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood. I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them. So be on your guard!" (Acts 20:28-31).

Women are responsible before God to use their spiritual gifts within the ministry of the church, thus placing themselves under the authority and protection of the church. But the church has a responsibility to shepherd women well. What does this mean?

First, because God has given men the position of authority in the home and church, male leadership in a church has the power to open ministry doors for women. Men can appreciate and affirm women. Men can make room for the gifts of women to flourish. Men are responsible for being good stewards of the resources God gives to the church, including the resource of the gifts of women. Church leadership must recognize the distinctiveness and the value of the female population of the congregation. When the nursery and kitchen are the only ministry opportunities open to women, as important as those ministries are, the church suffers. The resulting deficiency is not because women are better, but because women are different. It takes men and women to bring completeness to the ministry of the church. The full range of the gifts and experiences of women can be utilized in the local church without violating male headship.²

Second, biblical headship includes protection. One responsibility of a shepherd is to provide green pastures and quiet waters for the sheep. Today, many female sheep are bruised and battered and in desperate need of a safe pasture. They need to be protected spiritually, emotionally, and sometimes physically.

A Safe Place  

The primary issue of this essay is the urgency for the local church to become a safe place for wounded women. In order for this to happen, male leadership must partner with women to care for the female sheep. The authority-protection loop can be closed when male leadership utilizes the gifts of women to minister to women.

The shepherds of the flock are entrusted with the care of the flock, and they have a responsibility to involve women in helping them understand the unique needs and vulnerabilities of a woman in distress. They have a responsibility to partner with women in caring for wounded women.

Women cannot expect men to automatically understand the plight or the passions of wounded women, but men can listen to and accept the reality of these women's situations. Often men seem to be able to "hear" better if other women bridge the gap. Spiritually mature women may be better equipped to articulate a hurting woman's pain to men, so these women can be helpers to the male leadership in a church by being the advocates for hurting women. So the reality is, the responsibility of the church to women is the shared responsibility of men and women. And women are designed for the task. There are two compelling helper verses that accentuate this:

The victim commits himself to you;
you are the helper of the fatherless (Ps 10:14).
For he will deliver the needy who cry out,
the afflicted who have no one to help (Ps 72:12).

These verses are electrifying! Of course they do not mean that men are not to help the hurting. All disciples of Jesus are to reflect His compassion. But our female design draws us to the victims, fatherless, needy, and afflicted. God designed and equipped us with relational strengths that energize us to help others. Our femininity is fulfilled when we are involved in ministries of mercy to those who need help. And the victims, the fatherless, the needy, and the afflicted are crying out for help.

There is much fallout when male-female distinctions are obliterated. First, there is incompleteness in our relationships. And second, the victims, the fatherless, the needy and the afflicted are left without the tender help that women have been created to give. There is a big hole in society because women have abandoned their calling. But far more frightening is the hollow space in our churches because women are not helping fractured women.

Today's victims, fatherless, needy, and afflicted are inside and outside of our churches: the poor and homeless, battered women, the abused, the unborn, and so forth. Women who have developed a biblical approach to these social concerns are giving wonderful leadership in their churches and communities. The nurturing instincts of women come alive when they have opportunities to minister, and it is wise leaders who tap the feminine resource in the church to touch the needs of the community.

But in this chapter I want to talk about the least recognizable of the wounded-those sitting in the pews next to us. Women who have been raped, battered, abandoned, or abused, or who have caused their own pain by having an abortion, an affair, a struggle with lesbianism, or involvement in a cult, usually think that church is the most unsafe place for them to share their hurt because they think their scars are unacceptable among such "respectable" people. Women whose sons have AIDS, or whose daughters are anorexic, or whose husbands are alcoholics, suffer in silence because they think the women in the pew with them would consider them failures if they knew about their agony.

For many women, the pain is not in the past but is agonizingly current. They have open wounds they are trying to hide because they mistakenly think bleeding wounds are unspiritual. Some isolate themselves because they think they are the only ones having an ongoing struggle with sin.

If the church is going to act redemptively, we must be honest about who we are-not respectable people but redeemed people, not flawless people but forgiven people.

After I spoke in a women's retreat about the need for women to make our churches safe for hurting women, a young woman lingered until others had left. She shared with me her fall into sin and the marvelous reality of God's merciful forgiveness. Her joy in her restored relationship with her Heavenly Father was obvious, but her face saddened as she told me that she still did not feel safe in church. Over and over in that brief conversation I said to her," I am confident that God will use your experience to glorify Himself by using you to minister to others." A few weeks later, I received this letter from her:

Last night after church I invited a single mother to go out for dessert. As we sat and talked, she told me that she has an adult child "out there somewhere," and that she has had two abortions since then. And all this happened since she has been a Christian. Her tears were dripping on the table, and I know she carries around incredible guilt. I told her what you said about church being a safe place to come and share our struggles. She admitted that she doesn't feel safe at church. She thinks people would reject her if they really knew her. How do we get past that? What can I do to help us move in that direction? By the way, being able to sit down and talk to someone about abortion and illegitimate children, and feel compassion rather than shock and condemnation, is another way the Lord has used my sin to His ultimate glory. I could not have done that until He allowed me to see the extreme corruptness of my own heart. God is so good!

We move in that direction when we recognize our corruption and rejoice in God's grace, when we refuse to be spiritual couch potatoes, when we refrain from getting caught up in the "meet my needs" syndrome, and when we resolve to share the heartbeat of Jesus: "The Son of Man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister" (Matt 20:28).

A woman in crisis who is a member of a church should never have to wonder what she needs to do. When a Christian woman cannot trust the authority and protection of her husband, the right place for her to go is to the elders of her church. A woman whose husband has walked out on her should know that she can go to her elders for leadership. A battered woman should know that her elders will give her protection and counsel.

But that is risky. Do elders know how to handle these situations with love and compassion? And if they do handle it with love and compassion, is that putting an emotionally vulnerable woman in a dangerous situation, to say nothing of the elder?

It is a frightful experience for a woman who has been violated by a male-whether physically or emotionally abused, or raped, or if her husband has been unfaithful-to go to her elders. For her to sit in a room of men is terrifying. And often with good reason.

Glenda was kicked in the stomach and hit in the face. When she went to her pastor for counsel, she was told she must forgive her husband, go back home, and be sure he got enough sex. Lisa's husband left her. When she went to her elders for help, they expressed their sympathy, prayed with her, and sent her home to deal with the realities of supporting her children. When Martha told her pastor that her husband repeatedly beat her during his drunken rages, she was told that she must appear before all fifteen elders before the church could offer help. She got as far as the door but collapsed into uncontrollable sobbing at the thought of being alone in a room of men. The elders decided that her emotional instability was the real problem in the marriage.

It is also difficult for many women who have been widowed to approach church leadership for help. When Betsy's husband died, she went through tremendous turmoil dealing with the pain, the fear of parenting two teenagers alone, the realities of assuming sole responsibility for all decisions, the loneliness, and numerous other adjustments. "The cards and prayers were wonderful," said Betsy, "but I needed to know how to change a tire, and there were times when I needed money to buy the tires. There were times when I was so afraid, and I struggled with bitterness that the church was not there in tangible ways for my children and me. Perhaps I should have gone to them, but I felt so insecure and unprotected that I could not be the initiator."

You can almost hear these women echo the words of Isaiah: "We look for justice, but find none; for deliverance, but it is far away....The Lord looked and was displeased that there was no justice. He saw that there was no one, he was appalled that there was no one to intervene" (Isa 59:11, 15-16).

The Need for Defenders

Is God appalled because there is no one in your church to intervene? As I was becoming aware of these issues, I was appalled! I experienced a range of emotions such as denial, compassion, grief, and anger. The anger went in all directions, but much of it was towards the male leadership in churches. I would tell my husband about these women and about my frustration and anger. Over and over he said to me," Susan, I hear what you are saying, but I must admit that I would never have imagined that a woman would be feeling that pain or having those emotions. I'm glad I have you to tell me." Finally I got the message! My husband is the kindest, most compassionate man I know. If he does not connect with female emotions without me telling him, how could I think that other men would make the connection?

Men do not intend to inflict more damage on women. Many just do not know how to deal with women in crisis appropriately and compassionately. It is difficult for men to understand the emotions of these women; but other women can be the interpreters of those feelings. When I admitted this, my emotions became productive. I realized that women, including myself, must be the advocates to church leaders for emotionally and physically bruised women. I realized that I could speak for them, and that I could encourage other women to speak for them. And I came to realize that the smallest attempt to champion their cause gives them enormous hope. Now when I have opportunities to speak to groups of men and women, I urge them to reach out to women in crisis. I receive numerous letters from women who attend my seminars. They tell me that simply acknowledging their plight gives them hope. These real letters from real women speak far more passionately than anything I could write:

Thank you for the encouragement and validation you gave me. There are times, even now, when I respond to people's looks and their cavalier attitude toward my experiences by wondering if I really am crazy. I wonder whether other women have endured spousal battering and childhood molesting without sustaining the scars that I carry within my mind and body. I wonder if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Then God sends someone like you to say, "No, this really is a problem and you're not alone." It's such a relief to hear those words. Please keep saying them to women and for women.

Acknowledging the fact that wounded women are in our churches is the first step to freeing them from their isolation. And yet all too often the church either denies their existence or casts a shadow of doubt on their pain. I weep every time I read the following excerpts of letters I have received:

After several years of being battered, I was finally divorced from my husband. I began attending a church and became a Christian. When I talked to the pastor about church membership, his major concern seemed to be whether I had obtained a "scriptural" divorce. He did not tell me how glad he was that I had managed to stay alive; or how brave I had been to protect my children all those years by deliberately bringing my husband's wrath down on my head whenever I saw him heading for one of my children. He didn't tell me how great it was that I had finally found the courage to leave. What he wanted to know was whether or not my former husband had actually hit me and who it was that began divorce proceedings. As soon as I assured him that my former husband had discarded me like an old shoe just as soon as it was clear to him that I was no longer willing to be a puppet suspended upon strings of fear, my pastor's face cleared and he told me that, since my unbelieving husband was the one who instigated the divorce, I was free to serve God even in my divorced state. My stomach twisted into a knot. I realized that if I had been a member of my church at the time I actually left my husband, I might not have been given the kind of advice I most needed ... namely, get out of there and don't look back! I wanted to weep. My pastor is a wonderful, compassionate man. He cares deeply for his people ... even the women. I have to assume that his response was born of ignorance.

A prevalent attitude in the church is that a Christian woman will save her unbelieving husband if she just acts appropriately. A lot of people, both men and women, seem to believe it's my fault that my former husband never became a believer. Many of them want me to tell them the fatal mistake I made that ruined my witness and prevented my husband from being saved. And I have to admit that I was not particularly respectful of my husband. Respect falls way down on one's list of priorities when the list begins and ends with terror. There were many times when I lied to my husband; many times when I kept secrets from him. It was the only way I knew to survive. It was the only way I knew to keep my children safe. No one wants to hear that, and doubtless there were better ways I should have handled things if I had only known what they were. Unfortunately, most people regard my statements about my children's safety as lame excuses for not being the kind of wife I should have been.

So many people, both in and outside the church, feel that a battered woman must really deserve it. They want to know what I did to provoke my husband's rages. I can only tell them, "Believe me, if I had been able to figure that out, I would still be married." I tried. You can't imagine how hard I tried. I've come to the conclusion that it is possible for a Christian woman not to make any mistakes and still be a battered wife. I would be so grateful to you if you would tell people that, and keep telling them until they believe it.

Women are walking in darkness. They are groping along the wall, and many are finding their way into shelters for battered women, or abortion clinics, where the arms of the feminists and the lie of the enemy are waiting for them.

Safety!?

A woman from New Life Presbyterian Church in Escondido, California, shares with us the powerful and poignant story about her journey from being an abused wife, to the feminist movement, through several churches, and finally to new life at New Life.

When I finally left my violent, abusive husband, I was relieved to make my escape, but I was so ashamed. My former husband had spent all of our twenty-year marriage telling me that his rages were my fault. If I was just a better wife, better lover, better you-name-it, I wouldn't make him act like that. And I believed him. Now I realize that it's difficult to be a good wife, and even more difficult to be a good lover, when you're terrified of the man you're supposed to be loving. But at the time I left him, I could only feel shame at having failed so miserably at the one and only job I ever wanted ... that of wife and mother.

When a woman leaves an abusive husband there is generally no church, no Christian, willing to take her in. No one wants to get involved with a woman who may be "disobeying" her husband so there's generally only one place for her to go . . . a shelter for battered women. These shelters are almost always run by feminists.

Even when a woman does have another place to live, feminists are the only ones offering counseling specifically tailored to the needs of battered women. One way or another, almost any woman fleeing an abusive marriage eventually comes under the "covering" of feminists who are trained and willing to help her. As I look back at my own experience, I'm shocked to realize that churches have deserted the very women who most need them. When such a woman leaves her marriage she has no self-esteem, no idea who she is or what she believes. She is so accustomed to having someone else tell her what to do and what to think that she is nearly incapable of making decisions for herself. Her mind is completely open to brainwashing. Feminists take full advantage of that fact. They take her in. They give her empowering messages about herself and her capabilities. Then they tell her that empowerment includes the "right to choose," that the withholding of birth control (read: abortion) is a male plot to keep women subjugated. Men can't be trusted-not now, not ever. Men are after one thing-power. And a battered woman's fears underline and validate those messages.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm extremely grateful that, in the absence of Christian assistance, feminists were there when I needed help. If it were not for feminists, thousands of women and their children would be living-and dying-in abusive situations at this very moment. Unfortunately, feminists have had to fill the vacuum left by the church. It's time for Christians to assume their responsibility in this area.

I've been in church all my life. I've attended so many different kinds of Protestant churches that I used to call myself a one woman ecumenical movement. Yet, until I came to New Life I had never seen male-female relationships modeled after Biblical norms. Maybe I was just blind, I don't know. I do know that until I came to New Life I never heard a message preached that taught men that they had a responsibility to protect their wives. I would remember a message like that! In fact, I would have grabbed hold of it like a life preserver.

Something that occurred one day when I was leaving an elder's home after a Bible study will illustrate why a wounded woman may sometimes behave in bizarre ways and how others can be a help, rather than a hindrance, in her healing. When the study concluded, the elder brought all of the women's coats into the family room. I happened to look over to see my coat draped over his arm while he was helping another woman with her coat. The idea of a man coming up behind me with something in his hands with which he planned to make contact with my body-even if it was my own coat-absolutely terrified me. I knew this man was trustworthy. My reaction made no sense at all. I was gripped with fear all the same. I went over and lifted my coat from his arm. He protested, saying that he would help me with it. I tried to make light of it and joked about the fact that I live alone and am unaccustomed to valet service, but I could tell he felt put down. After I had thought about it for a couple of days and determined why I reacted that way, I called his wife and told her what had been going through my mind. I asked her to make sure he knew it was not a reflection on him. I explained a little bit about post-traumatic stress so that she would have some context in which to place my remarks. That elder and his wife have been some of my most loving supporters. I can take any prayer request to them, no matter how personal, and know that they will bring it before the Lord and not share it with another living soul. Church seems like a much safer place to me since I've developed a relationship with them.

I'm so grateful that our church has chosen to be a part of the solution rather than the problem. Because I have had the opportunity to know some trustworthy men within our church, I'm beginning to understand that God's plan for male headship may not be such a bad one after all. It's taken a lot of determination and a willingness to walk through my fear rather than running away, but I'm getting there.

More than anything else in the world I want to love and comfort broken, bleeding women. I want to be able to listen and pray with them and watch God do miracles in their lives the way He has in mine. I'm praying that the day will come when I will be able to do that under the covering of elders who actually believe that such a ministry is needed.

So What Can the Church Do? ?

It would take an entire book to answer that question, but here are some starters:

• The church leadership, male and female, must make a deliberate decision about whether or not the church will be a safe place for women in crisis. This is a costly ministry. If we are going to call women to live in obedience to biblical truth, we must be willing to spend emotional and financial resources to help them. Please do not take the next steps until you take this one. It will only create more pain, because it will raise the hopes of women only to have those hopes dashed if practical help is not available.

• Use an anonymous survey to profile women in your church.³ Use the information from that survey to alert the male leadership to the number of women in your own church who have had abortions, have suffered abuse, etc. Ask them to pray regularly for women in these specific situations. When the pastor prays from the pulpit for women who struggle with memories of an incestuous relationship, or for women who have been abandoned, etc., church becomes a safer place for them.

• Use the information to plan seminars addressing whatever issues surface. A strong women's ministry that is teaching women to think and act biblically is an important component if a church is going to minister effectively to women.

• Encourage the male leadership to identify several spiritually mature women who will be available when needed to assist them in ministering to a woman in crisis. These women should be willing to keep confidences, to go with a woman to appear before the elders, to keep regular contact with the woman, and to report to the elders on her progress and needs. They should understand that they are not expected to serve as counselors, but as comforters and friends. These women should meet with the male leadership to map out a strategy and develop procedures so they will not be caught by surprise when a crisis happens. The primary function of these women would be to pray and to re-program. Women who have been treated in an evil way have lived in darkness. Their minds do not receive truth quickly. Repetitive affirmation is essential. They need to hear over and over that God loves and accepts them. Words such as, "You are special to God, and you are special to me," "God loves you, and I love you," "You are important to our fellowship and we need you," "Your past was dealt with at the cross-you are a treasure to your Heavenly Father," are soaked up like a sponge.

• Church members should be taught from the pulpit, and women should be taught in women's Bible studies, that the elders are there to help wounded people and that they partner with godly women to minister to women.

• Church members should be taught that injustice is sin and that submission does not mean that a woman must submit to the sin of abuse. Women should understand that it is wrong for a wife to enable a husband to continue sinful practices. She has a responsibility to him to take this to her pastor and to the elders of her church.

Making church a safe place is not a safe thing to do, but it is the right thing to do. It takes courage, and I am not courageous. The only reason I have been able to speak and write about this is because God has called me to do it and because some of His daughters surround me with prayer. When I think of those brave women whose letters I have shared with you, Isa 62:1 burns on my heart:

For Zion's sake I will not keep silent, for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet, till her righteousness shines out like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch.

We must speak for the victims, the fatherless, the needy, the afflicted who have no one to help. But notice, we do not do it just for them: We do it for Zion's sake, for Jerusalem's sake. We do it for the sake of God's church. We do it so that the King of the church will not be appalled, but will be honored.