JBMW Forum: Q & A on Raising Sons and Daughters

JBMW: Writing to fathers and moth­ers, please address ways in which they can raise masculine sons and feminine daughters.

Peter R. Schemm, Jr.: I think the best way to raise masculine sons and femi­nine daughters is for fathers to embody masculinity and for mothers to embody femininity. What we intentionally prac­tice daily will eventually be formed in our sons and daughters. This, it seems to me, is why we have so many Christian homes that are essentially "same-sex marriages"—to quote Russell Moore. Fathers and mothers are obviously not living in ways that are distinctively mas­culine and feminine—and kids are not as easily fooled as we think. So when children see few, if any, distinctions be­tween fathers and mothers, what we end up with is girls who want to be like Hi­lary Clinton and boys who want to be fashion designers appearing in Cosmo. In short, we cannot give our sons and daughters what we do not have.

Additionally, here are some ways that my wife and I reinforce a vision for manhood and womanhood in our home. First, we teach by explicit in­ struction what a godly man or woman looks like. For the boys, we use the bib­lical language of "leader," "provider," and "protector" on a weekly, if not daily, basis. For the girls, we use the language of "helper," "daughters of Sarah," and "virtuous woman." When we come to a place in our family Scripture reading that exemplifies manhood or woman­hood, we make much of it. We attempt to explain what the passage means and extol the beauty of God's good design for boys and girls. Do not assume that a 7 year-old boy or a 5 year-old girl can­not begin to understand these distinc­tives. We think they can.

Second, we rehearse dozens of scenarios and we often do so as a re­sult of an occasion where our vision has been undermined. For example, when one of my sons dishonored his older sister by hitting her, I responded with a verbal rebuke and physical chastise­ment, and then required a replay of the entire scene as it ought to have hap­pened. (This takes time, and frankly, I think that is the main reason more parents do not engage in this form of training.) I have found that the most productive rehearsals, however, are in­tentionally planned as part of regular training in the home not as a reaction to a recent flair up.

Third, we try to inspire a vision for them in a variety of ways. We use Scripture, stories, poetry, books, movies, and songs. For example, one of our fa­vorite poems is "Boy Wanted" by Frank Crane. It captures well some of the foundational character traits we hope to form in our boys, traits such as courage, respect, strength, and honor. Here is a brief selection:

Wanted—A boy that stands straight, sits straight, acts straight...

A boy that never bullies oth­er boys nor allows other boys to bully him;

A boy who, when he does not know a thing, says, "I don't know," and when he has made a mistake says, "I'm sorry," and when he is asked to do a thing says, "I'll try";

A boy who looks you right in the eye and tells the truth every time.

Many of these character traits are those we want to form in our daughters as well as our sons, which is why we are writing a poem titled "Girl Wanted." We do, however, recognize that these same characteristics will manifest themselves in distinctly masculine and feminine ways.

Fourth, we intentionally build close relationships with like-minded fami­lies. There is no substitute for watch­ing closely the practices of others. A successful leader that I know calls this the proximity factor. Proximity alone can take us a long way toward matu­rity. Some of the most important pat­terns and habits that I have learned as a father have come from spending time with other godly men as they lead their homes. For example, I learned from my friend Kenny Goetze that the best way to correct my children is not to yell at them from across the yard. Rather, I walk toward them and teach them to walk toward me when they see me com­ing. I then make correction eye to eye. Much can be learned simply by watch­ing others train their children in behav­ior that is fitting and honoring to God.

How do we raise masculine sons and feminine daughters? Fathers and mothers ought to embody it, teach it, rehearse it, inspire it, and study it.

Randy Stinson: Parents need to under­stand that they need to be intentional in this process. The Bible gives clear di­rection with regard to the roles between men and women (Genesis 1-2, Ephe­sians 5, 1 Peter 3, Colossians 3), which means that there are certain characteris­tics and inclinations that should be cul­tivated, taught, and encouraged. In times past, the culture was not as at odds with the biblical standards as it is now, and so a high level of parental intentionality was unnecessary. However, the current cultural confusion over gender is now impacting the church to such an extent that parents need to be actively involved in the following ways.

First, there needs to be a clear vi­sion for biblical masculinity and femi­ninity. There is certainly some subjectiv­ity here, but parents should agree on the behaviors and inclinations necessary to carry out the roles assigned to men and women. Once parents agree on these things, then they are able to decide how they can be cultivated in their sons and daughters. Since the Bible teaches that the role of wife, mother, and keeper of the home is a high calling for women, then parents should instill and cultivate the desire and skill to embrace this high call. Since the Bible teaches that men are to be leaders, providers, and protectors, then parents should instill and cultivate the desire and skill to undertake these responsibilities.

Second, these roles should be mod­eled by parents. Husbands and wives living out their proper roles together not only impacts the marriage but also impacts how children understand their own gender identity. Since role relation­ships are inherent in the created order, it naturally causes a certain amount of dis­sonance for children who are watching parents live contrary to their roles.

Third, parents should speak in terms of manhood and womanhood. Children are not generic and neither is their behavior. Frequently in our home when our daughters exhibit charac­teristics that will make them effective moms or wives, we will say, "that's what women do" or "you're going to be a great mom." For our sons we might observe particularly masculine behavior and say, "that's good leadership," or "that's what men do." Boys inherently want to be like their dads and girls want to be like their moms. They need to be encouraged in their progress with gender-specific lan­guage.

Fourth, opportunities for training should be provided. If parents want their children to be proficient at the piano, then they will provide lessons. If they want their sons to be resilient and in­clined to lead, then they will help create moments for training through sports, camping, and other activities that in­volve challenge, leadership opportuni­ties, and discipline. If parents want their daughters to be inclined to motherhood and homemaking, then they will involve their daughters in activities and training that will help cultivate such things.