Equal, Yet So Very Different: Understanding a Man's Sexuality and His Inherent Struggle

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"It is not good for the man to be alone" (Gen 2:18).

There is one subject that rarely surfaces in our egalitarian vs. complementarian discussions regarding male/female roles and relationships. That is the vast difference that exists between men and women in the area of sexuality. Extending from that difference are its remarkable implications in terms of our natural inclinations and unique strengths, as well as the growing gulf it is creating between Christian men and women today. This article seeks to address that gulf.

What We Women Don't Get

"What's wrong with my husband? Is he over-sexed? He thinks about it all the time; but it seems like the more I give it to him, the more he wants it."

"Why can't my husband be intimate in any other ways except through sex? It leaves me cold."

"What is it with men that they are always struggling with sexual thoughts and desires? Why can't they get control and grow up?"

These are the questions women are asking today. A 1991 Roper poll of 3,000 women revealed that 54 percent of women believed "men are sexually obsessed." This was fifteen years ago, long before the porn industry skyrocketed via cyberspace to exceed the income of professional baseball, basketball, and football combined, with literally millions of websites¹ and some 800 million porn videos and DVD's now available for public consumption.² In the year 2000, Robert Weiss, director of the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles and co-author of Cybersex Exposed, said 60 percent of all website visits were sexual in nature and "sex" had become the number one searched for topic on the internet.³ It is understandable that Christian women are troubled by what appears to be a virtual epidemic of male sexual sin within the church. In nationwide surveys among Christian men, sexual temptation consistently tops the list as their single greatest struggle, and the number of those men admitting to using pornography is staggering.⁴ As a result, in the last decade there has been an explosion of books, support groups, and websites for men with sexual struggles and addictions within the Christian community. It matters little whether these men are in positions of church leadership or sitting in the pew. Christian colleges and seminaries have seen a surge of young men who admit to feeling trapped in a hopeless cycle of lust and sexual sin. In my own interviews of godly young guys with a passion for serving Christ, the story has been eerily the same: "I don't know of anyone personally-not one guy-who isn't battling (or hasn't battled deeply in the recent past) with masturbation and pornography; and I know very few who have found long-term victory." Due to its very nature (as well as mainstream media's financial windfall from porn and its resulting reluctance for exposure), actual statistics on porn use have become increasingly difficult to gather, but the sheer success and the number of hits on their websites tell us the story. 

Pornography is not the only "flaming missile of the evil one" (Eph 6:16). Our men walk through a daily minefield of sexual temptation, and no man is exempt. It is "every man's battle," as Stephen Arterburn aptly put it. And it is all-out war.

 Is the battle winnable? Absolutely. There is great hope for our boys and men. Satan may have found the Achilles' heel of Western civilization, but God knows his Achilles' heel (Gen 3:15). As with young David who took on Goliath, God is looking for men who will dare to engage the enemy, using their five smooth stones, a sling, and a warrior's skill in hitting the mark. As their wives, we are one of those five stones.  In fact, we may be the very stone our husbands will use to bring the enemy down. But in order to be his best ally, we need a serious paradigm shift. We need to see from his perspective. What is God's core design of our warrior husbands, and why is this their struggle?

A Few Important Preliminary Considerations

It is important to recognize that Christian women are not exempt from this epidemic of sexual immorality. Increasing numbers of women in the church are escaping into internet relationships, adulterous affairs, and even walking away from their husbands and families. It must also be underscored that the majority of highly moral Christian men have not relinquished the fight for control over the sex drive that often rages within them. But our men have several strikes against them.

Strike one is the sheer unfettered accessibility to temptation which was unthinkable even ten years ago, and the likes of which has never been known to mankind. Not only are porn producers using the latest cutting edge in technology, but technology in general is fueling the fire. Consider Apple's latest version of iPOD, a 60 gigabyte video iPOD that boasts the ability to record up to 150 hours of video or 25,000 still images. Does anyone want to take a stab at what our kids will be downloading for immediate access-whenever, wherever? Al Cooper, a leading researcher in the field of sexual addiction, describes this technological porno boom as a "Triple-A engine: access, affordability, and anonymity."⁵ Three traps, one pit.

Strike two is the reluctance of the church to speak openly and frankly on this issue.  Most men attend churches in which leaders who otherwise openly admit to struggling with anger or lack of trust in God, rarely if ever admit to personally struggling in the area of sexual temptation. The perception is this. Either godly men struggle only slightly in this area and deal with it successfully, or sexual sin is the "unmentionable sin," never to be publicly acknowledged or openly addressed. In such an environment, even among male friends in accountability groups, it is a rare self-respecting man who will spill his guts and be real about his deep inner sexual struggle. When the silence is finally broken by the fall of a highly visible leader, a sense of hopelessness and cynicism sets into the souls of good men.

Adding injury to insult has been the change of attitude regarding what is normal male behavior in our own Christian sub-culture (i.e., the normalizing of masturbation, looking at pornography, and lustful thinking).  The result has been a trap of confusion and rationalization among young maturing Christian men.

 The "if he's not talking about it, he's probably okay" approach is clearly not working. The church must not ask whether, but how we are going to openly, appropriately, and straightforwardly address this huge elephant in our living room.  Churches that have implemented an approach of brazen honesty and straight talk, beginning with their top leadership, are seeing a kind of reformation take place. Walls come down, sin is exposed, and lives are changed and restored. But such climates where open, humble honesty thrives are hard to find in our twenty-first century image-conscious church.

Strike three (and most relevant to this article) is the increased feeling men have of being misunderstood by the women in their lives. Men who care about their marriages and love their wives are saying to their counselors, "My wife doesn't understand me. She thinks I am selfish, off-balance. I'm dying here. The frustration has become unbearable. What do I do?"

 "These are not easy times for men," writes Archibald Hart, author of the Hart Report, a landmark study of Christian men and sex in the 1990s.⁶ There is a growing "masculine mystique," says Hart-a kind of quiet desperation among men today that goes beyond the struggle to find masculine identity in a feminized culture. This desperation has to do with the ever-present battle in the area of sex. For many normal Christian men, Hart's research indicates, it is a daily battle, and for some, it is hourly.⁷

Sadly, "one in four men have no one, not even a wife, they can talk with about their deepest sexual thoughts or feelings." Only 20 percent said they had friends they talked to about it. Sixty-five percent said their spouse or partner was the only one with whom they could discuss it. But among those who did talk to their wives, they dared not share their deepest struggles, for such revelations "are embarrassing beyond words."⁸ Would she understand? Would she judge and reject him? Their struggles are so frightening even to them, what would the knowledge of these things do to their wives? So most men continue on in their quiet world of desperation.

H. Norman Wright echoes this problem in his book, What Men Want, in which he reveals his own results of a mid-1990s nationwide survey of Christian men, counselors, and pastors.  In response to the question, "What subjects do you think men hesitate most in bringing up or discussing with women?" sex was at the top of the list.⁹ One man stated the problem this way, "I don't think women fully understand our sexual struggles because they just don't think the same. It's like trying to explain back pain to someone who has never had it. Something gets lost in the translation."¹⁰

This is not good. Of all the people in the world with whom a man should be able to bare his soul, it should be his wife. The problem is that women are not wired like men.  We speak a different sexual language, and our tendency is to think in our own native tongue. Try as we might, we will never fully relate. But we can understand. And a little understanding can go a very long way.

Philandros

Most women are familiar with the command to husbands, "You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered" (1 Pet 3:7, italics added).

But is there a corresponding command to wives?  Indeed there is. In Titus 2:4, the older women are to encourage the younger women "to love their husbands" or, literally, "to be husband-loving."  The Greek word here is philandros, combining the Greek word for phileo (meaning "love") with the Greek word for husband.

Often in New Testament times, phileo spoke of the deep love between very close friends-a David and Jonathon kind of love, if you will.  In Scripture, phileo is used when referring to the love of Jesus for his dear friend, Lazarus (John 11:36, "Behold, how He loved him!"), as well as his love for "the disciple" (most likely John, John 13: 23).   It is also used in describing the deep, affectionate love of God the Father for his Son (John 5:20).   Paul uses it when commanding us in Romans 12: 10, "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor...", and John uses it in referring to God's fatherly love for his children (Rev. 3: 19).  These verses speak of a special deep affection and intimate relationship.

Interestingly, women are masterful at this kind of love. We tend to be gifted at making and nurturing intimacy in friendships.  We are more naturally inclined towards seeing inside the hearts of people and empathizing with their feelings, even when they can't articulate their feelings themselves. Research underscores that women form intimate friendships more freely than most men, and that affection and expression of feelings usually comes far more easily for us.¹¹   Intimate friendship love is a love that we not only tend to do well, but that we naturally deeply long for.

So, in a manner of speaking, Paul is saying to us in Titus 2: 4, "Wives, live with your husband in an understanding way".  A wife who embraces philandros seeks to get inside the mind of the man she loves and understand what makes him tick; she empathizes with his feelings and shares his burdens, and she looks for ways to meet his deepest needs.  She also realizes that "understanding," biblically speaking, does not mean "excusing." On the contrary, in the case of destructive sin, a true friend is called by God to love with a tough love-which is usually the hardest part of love for us as women.  Yet, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend," says Prov. 27:6, for wounds inflicted with a surgeon's wisdom and skill can sometimes save a life, a marriage, and a family.

How then do we begin to practice such understanding when it comes to our husbands' sexual needs and struggles?  

• We must first understand every man's struggle in the area of sexual temptation, and how we can be an ally rather than a hindrance to him in that battle.
• We must rightly handle the fact that every good man falls at some time in the area of sexual sin, even if only in the area of lustful thoughts.
• We must grasp a wife's important role when her husband's sexual sin becomes a lifestyle, or when it turns into a sexual addiction.

Whatever our husband's struggle-whether it be temptation, sin, or addiction-our men need us. We cannot save them, and we certainly must not be their moral policemen or mothers. But we do play a powerful role in their lives. And that begins with understanding God's creative wiring of the male sex.

Equal Yet Different

 God created us male and female (Gen 1:27; Matt 19:4).  In Eve, God made a "helper suitable (or "corresponding") to" Adam-not precisely like him. Yes, like Adam she was created in the image of God-equal in her humanity, dignity, and worth, equal in her calling to "be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth, and subdue it," equal in her position as fellow-heir in Christ, equally forgiven, gifted, honored, and significant in his body. Yet while she was as Adam declared, "bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh," she was not his biological replica. Her X chromosome, studded with 1,000-1,500 genes, gave her a notable difference that complemented Adam's Y chromosome and enabled her to function uniquely as Adam's helpmate and the mother of their children. It also equipped her to contribute uniquely and purposefully in the body of Christ. Egalitarians tend to pass over this profound reality in their passion for androgyny regarding the roles and functions of men and women in the home and church.

While the Bible assumes these differences, feminism (and the culture that it spawned some fifty years ago) rejected this idea outright. But Simone de Beauvoir's statement, that "one is not born a woman, but rather becomes one," can no longer be defended in the face of modern research. As a 2003 Psychology Today article declared, "It's safe to talk about sex differences again. Of course, it's the oldest story in the world. And the newest. But for a while it was almost treacherous.  Now it may be the most urgent."¹²

Research has now shown men and women to be significantly different from birth-physiologically, psychologically, socially, and intellectually (as groundbreaking studies on the brain have revealed). According to a 2006 Newsweek article, scientists are now realizing that the "boy brain"-that kinetic, sometimes disorganized, maddeningly rough-and-tumble behavior in young boys that drives mothers and educators crazy-is actually not a defection; it is hard-wired and advantageous. "Boys are biologically, developmentally and psychologically different from girls," and our lack of recognition of this has put our boys at a severe developmental disadvantage.¹³

The "boy brain" is, of course, the "man brain," produced when the male baby's brain is bathed in testosterone during gestation, wiring him differently from the female for life. And there is no place where this difference is more accentuated than in a man's approach to sex. Consider six ways that God has uniquely wired men in the area of sex, aside from their obvious physiological difference.¹⁴

Difference #1: For Men, Sex and Love Are Not Naturally Linked

This is a startling concept for most women. In fact, nothing separates men and women more in their sexual make-up than this single difference. For women, sex and love are inextricably linked. But not so for men.¹⁵  The male sex drive is primarily a matter of hormones. It is an instinctive drive that regularly demands to be satisfied.  This drive for sexual release was built into the male for a reason, and it is as natural as the sun rising in the morning. In the man whose sex drive is normal (meaning it has not become unnaturally sublimated through excessive stress or physiological issues), it is a reality he deals with regularly. If left to languish in a marriage relationship, it will build up within him much like a smoldering volcano-strong, urgent, forceful, impatient.  

By way of illustration, a man's God-given sex drive can be compared to hunger.  None of us are hungry all the time. But at fairly regular intervals, we become hungry and need to eat. The longer we do not eat, the stronger and more urgent our hunger for food becomes. This is what men experience in the area of sex. Women, on the other hand, have no semen to release; they are more naturally spontaneous responders, and their sexual desires are greatly affected by relational needs and hormonal rhythms. God put this difference within us for our blessing, but it can become a curse.  

This is because the analogy between the male sexual drive and hunger breaks down when it comes to satisfaction. Hunger can be satisfied by a man himself, or by any number of people; he can pull quickly into a drive-through or sit down at a nice restaurant. But a man's sexual needs are designed by God to be met only by another single human being-the wife of his youth (Prov 5:18). God put a fence around sex, commanding that it should occur only within marriage in a one man/one woman relationship.¹⁶  He did this for many clear reasons (e.g., the prevention of physical disease, the development of true intimacy in the safety of fidelity and trust, and the depth of pleasure and happiness that can only happen in a long-term, sacrificial, monogamous relationship). But one reason not often considered is for the protection of women.  In societies where sexual fidelity and monogamy is not honored, women fall in status, becoming only so much chattel, property to be used, abused, and disposed of at will.  It should be noted that attitudes in our own society are moving us in that direction. 

This plan of God has an important catch; call it a Catch 22. God's good design for sex places a godly man in a very dependent position. It requires that his wife understand and seek to meet his normal, natural, sexual needs. A wife who "gets" this is like medicine to a man's soul and a most powerful weapon in his fight against sexual sin.

Women need to realize that a man's sex drive is not the entire makeup of his sexuality. Men do need, long for, and deeply appreciate the intimacy and union of souls that occurs when love and sex come together. They are unfulfilled apart from that. But the male sex drive continues, whether genuine love and intimacy are present or not.  (This helps to explain why a couple can have a heated unresolved argument in the kitchen, and thirty minutes later the husband can be making sexual advances in bed.) 

A good woman who grasps her husband's physiological needs will not compromise communication on the altar of raw physical sex, but she can articulate an understanding of his inherent need as she rightly expresses her own deep need for conflict resolution. A woman's natural need for sex to be an expression of communication and emotional intimacy is a healthy gift she brings into a marriage relationship. And it is exceedingly good for her husband.

Difference #2: Men Are Highly Visual

A man is naturally aroused by the sight of a woman's body-whether it be a woman walking down a street or in pictures, moving or still. We women simply do not comprehend the power of the visual on a man. Even the most visual of us cannot fully grasp it. Whether out of need or naivety, some women among us enjoy the attention they receive when they dress and act provocatively, not realizing that they are lowering their own value, objectifying themselves to men, and enticing them to sin. The apostle Paul (who as a man also experienced sexual temptation) wrote, "Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly" (1 Tim 2:9). 

The truth is that without the complicity of women who allow their bodies to become objects of lust, the porn industry would be crippled. But any woman who leads men on by dressing provocatively, flirting with her eyes, touching inappropriately with her body, engaging in impure talk, or participating in extra-marital sexual intimacy designed by God to lead to sexual intercourse, has become complicit with the enemy.¹⁷ She is not only allowing herself to be used by men, she is being used by Satan. And this is a most sobering thought.

However, a godly, non-complicit woman still needs to understand something about her man. Any woman with a great body-even an attractively dressed woman in a business suit-is an "eye magnet" for a man. The feeling of just looking at her is a riveting pleasure against which few things can compete. And God put this into man before sin ever entered the world.  He put it there because he intended men to be the natural initiators in male-female relationships. God wired men to be attracted to, enjoy, love, and appreciate the female body. Then he stepped back and called this "good." This strong physical attraction of a man to the sight of a woman's body is celebrated in Scripture. A woman's body is designed by God to be a turn-on. In Song of Solomon 4 (in which we should note that the virgin/bride says nothing), the husband/lover is simply gazing upon her and describing the power of the image of her body. Even her fragrance is celebrated. "Let her breasts satisfy you at all times," says the writer of Proverbs regarding a man's wife (5:19). Have you ever read a verse commanding a woman to be satisfied with her husband's sexual organs? Why is it that men are the ones who are typically cautioned not to sin in their looking? That is because most women do not naturally look at a man and undress him. While physical traits do attract women, we are particularly drawn to a man who is strong, warm, verbally complementary, and relationally responsive.

But there is more for us to understand. Visual images of women are "burned" into the hard drive of a man's mind, stored away to be accessed at will or (as if his brain is constantly on-line) to simply pop up unsolicited at the most vulnerable, unsuspecting moment. A man need never worry about punching in "save."  It will be saved. Worse yet-and please get this-there is no "trash." Once there, an image is permanently imprinted. A man's visual memory is not only long, but it is vivid and remarkably accessible-whether that image entered his mind three minutes ago or three decades ago at the age of eleven. Since a young, innocent mind is not developmentally equipped to handle such images, the earlier and the more erotic the image, the more vivid is the memory. For men with obsessive behaviors, or for those who have made a habit of feeding on these images and replaying them often, things can quickly go seriously wrong.¹⁸

You may be a fresh young bride or a naturally beautiful fifty-something woman. You may be blessed with the most loving, intimate, and sexually fulfilling of marriages.   But this does not change a man's instinctive wiring. The fact that the image of another woman arouses (or tempts) him has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with him. Though a strong, happy marriage is surely a fortress of protection, in the end we have no control over what our husband sees in his mind or what he will do with it. We must understand this, accept it, and refuse to obsess over it. 

"Philandros" on the Visual Front

There are, however, at least three selfless ways we can become our husband's ally on the visual front. When Willard Harley came out in 1986 with the results of his study on the top five needs in marriage expressed by Christian men, one could almost hear a collective moan sweeping across the sea of already overwhelmed wives and moms (who were doing well just to get some make-up on at the start of their day).¹⁹ The top three needs alone were enough to blow us over: (1) sexual fulfillment; (2) recreational companionship; and (3) attractiveness in a spouse. For women this said, "Perform, perform, and then perform some more." But "piling on" was the last thing Harley had in mind. Believe it or not, all three of these are directly related to innate male sexuality.  And subsequent studies have reinforced Harley's findings. So, laying aside the performance guillotine for a moment, let us consider why these three particular needs rose to the top.

Need #1:  Sexual Fulfillment

By divine design, sex is important to men.  A normal, godly man who is sex-starved will be far more tempted to go to the "image files," just like you would be exceedingly tempted to eat a box of donuts or pure trash from a garbage bin if nothing else was available and you were starving. "What is normal?" every woman asks. Each couple has to determine together what for them is normal.²⁰ But, ultimately, "normalcy" must be tempered by sacrifice and understanding on the part of both husband and wife. People get sick, lose jobs, and go through any number of unspeakable tragedies. Marriages hit difficult periods that affect a person's ability to respond sexually, and these times have to be worked through openly and completely. Past experiences profoundly affect a man or woman's present sexual health and appetite. Therefore, sexual appetite is never our final barometer; love expressed sacrificially as you walk through real life together is always our barometer (Eph 5:28-31).  Keeping all this in mind, Paul laid down a simple, fundamental principle regarding our attitudes of meeting the normal sexual needs of our partner: "Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control." (1 Cor 7:5). We help our husband on the visual front by understanding and incorporating this principle.

 Need #2:  Recreational Companionship

A man's high need for recreational companionship with his wife is more illusive, until we consider what the 24/7 industrial-technological age has done to both men and women.  It has obviously divided our worlds and the natural flow of our lives together. It has also taken away a man's sense of power over his own life, putting him at the mercy of "the company" and placing him in a world that values success over all else. A man often feels he has to work overtime just to keep his job; then he must go on working double-overtime to carry out his responsibilities as husband and dad. In spite of all this, studies show that (whether religious or not, and regardless of age) men still deeply desire to provide for their families financially and feel the great weight of that responsibility-even if their wives are perfectly capable of bringing home the bacon. Their very manliness is at stake; they find it demoralizing and emasculating to have their wives outdoing them in this area that they are instinctively wired to fulfill.²¹  

Philandros looks at this and steps back, letting him carry the ball and regularly expressing appreciation for all his hard work. Since a man rarely receives verbal appreciation at work (unless it comes from a woman who works very closely with him), a wife needs to be the one to meet that need in his life. She can let him know she cares very much about his daily work even though she is not physically there.

The industrial/technological revolution has also given rise to another trend among a certain segment of men. That trend is a decreased sexual appetite altogether. In The Sex-Starved Marriage, Michele W. Davis documents that one in five married men say their sex drive is not what it used to be.²² While other factors can create low sex drive/performance in men, stress (which drains testosterone) has proven to be the number one culprit for the hypo-sexual male. At the expense of their health and marriages, workaholics are losing their healthy sex drive, as well as their ability to rest and play.

What does recreational companionship have to do with male sexuality and visual arousal? When a twenty-first century man walks in the door after a long day, he is likely to be hungry, angry, lonely, and tired (counselors call this HALT). He is, in a word, stressed-out. The wife and the mother of his children is probably in a similar state of mind. This is not a good time for in-depth conflict resolution. In fact, dumping family or marital frustrations on a man who has endured a long drive in traffic and a "God-only-knows-what-kind-of-day" is almost more than he can bear. A wife who does this regularly ends up becoming an extention of his day, rather than the woman with whom he desires and needs to decompress. Today's man has a genuine need to let down, to enjoy his wife, his children, his "place of refuge"-as much as that is possible in this busy, demanding world. If this is what he sees in his mind when he thinks of returning to his wife at home, that visual mental image will fight powerfully against a temporarily arousing image slinking down his office hallway. Call it a perk, a basic joy in being married, an invisible shield of visual protection.  There are obviously times when urgent issues trump timing. But a woman who continually dumps on her husband without impunity is what Proverbs refers to as a "vexing" woman, "a constant dripping." What man does not want to escape such a woman, even if only in his mind?

Does this mean that we are to forsake healthy, needed conversation? Never. The Bible commands that we keep short accounts and work through conflict ASAP (Eph 4:25-26).  Sometimes there is no perfect time; in fact, "avoidance" is a common tactic used in dysfunctional marriages. If this is your situation, you must seek the Lord for wisdom, and then do what God has commanded you to do, which is to communicate from your heart in a spirit of love (1 Pet 3:8-12; Phil 2:1-4; Gal 6:6; Eph 4:15, 25-31; Prov 16:21, 23-24).  But the man whose wife wisely considers her husband's state of mind substantially raises the chances that he will actually hear and engage her concerns.

Consider this question. If you were to make a list of the top ten enjoyable recreational activities for men, would "talking through deep issues" appear on that list?  Ninety-nine times out of one hundred it would not. Talking deeply for most men is a very hard but necessary work, as we will see in a moment. 

What, then, do men enjoy? Women may find this hard to believe, but research shows that most men prefer to have fun with their wives even more than with "the guys."²³ When you were dating, that was true; why should it not still be true?  If your husband wants to relax and have fun with you (and evidence shows that he would if he felt he could), nurture that. Make it happen. Such marriages are a dying breed in our overloaded world. No matter how tight the budget, for the sake of our marriage, we must find a way to let go of the kids and the personal agenda, get a sitter if necessary, and be spontaneous with our husbands. A wife simply needs to let her husband know she enjoys being with him, even if it means sitting on the couch with him and watching the NBA playoffs or the Ultimate Fighting Championships (for twenty-something wives). Every man has a special activity that he loves. The woman who does this activity with her husband might be surprised to discover why he enjoys it so much. 

But what recreational activity do men find most relaxing, most rejuvenating, most enjoyable of all? Hands down, it is sex. Men love sex. A man feels most like a man when he is wanted, received, and pleasured in sex with his wife. 

 To sum up, a wife helps her husband on the visual battlefront when he has visual images of enjoyable times with her.

Need #3:  Physical Attractiveness

Breathe deeply and resist the urge to toss this journal in the trash right now.  Given what we already know about a man's visual make-up, this particular need makes complete sense. But it is rarely if ever expressed by husbands. Intuitively men know this is the most sensitive issue they could ever raise with their wives, and they frankly do not want to risk the hurt and further withdrawal it could create. Harley was one of the earliest to put the spotlight on this high-level need among Christian men; it has since come out in every major study of Christian men in the last ten years.²⁴

On the surface, this hits women as selfishly buying into the world's values (and sadly, for some spiritually immature men, it truly is). However, let me put your heart at rest with regard to what the normal, godly man means when he expresses a need for "attractiveness." Erase the comparison/performance mindset with which so many women are obsessed and become literally anorexic over. He is not expecting his wife to be a size 2, bikini-model.  He knows that a real human-flesh woman can never compete with the anorexic, surgery-enhanced, vaporous objects thrust into our faces everyday, nor does he really desire that from his wife. Men actually wish their wives did not feel so inadequate and obsess so much over their bodies. What they do desire is that their wives would make a genuine effort to be attractive out of love for them, rather than pursuing an empty kind of false beauty ("Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain," Prov 31:30).  In one study, 97 percent of men said they would do whatever it takes to help make that happen if they knew this was their wife's desire.²⁵

Knowing this fact and rightly responding to it are two separate things. We women tend to think in two unhealthy ways: (1) either we obsess over looks and feel continually inadequate in this area; or (2) we toss the idea out as worldly, unimportant, and unattainable, and just let ourselves go. There is a weird mindset floating around among some women's groups which categorizes any focus on personal attractiveness as self-centered and unspiritual. These women have failed to differentiate between worldly, self-obsessed beauty and godly, philandros-driven beauty. 

 We cannot let the world's perversion of beauty push us to the opposite extreme, conversely perverting God's pure and wonderful design for beauty. The antidote to perversion is to soak in biblical truth. We are real women. Real women have children and serve their families from sun-up to sun-up. We are not desperate housewives. God created us to be women of substance, possessing dignity and character (Prov 31)-which by the way is exceedingly attractive to a man. We are to be beautiful from the inside out (1 Pet 3:3-4). We must remember that God created beauty. The Garden of Eden was breathtakingly beautiful. God refers to his own magnificent glory as beautiful (Ps 48:2; 96:6; Isa 4:2). And he honors substantive, virtuous beauty in women throughout Scripture (the books of Esther and Song of Solomon are two primary examples).

There is an approach to physical health and beauty that is philandros in action.  Modesty does not preclude attractiveness. And every woman can be uniquely attractive.  One of the most personal, selfless ways a woman can be her husband's ally is by appreciating his desire to enjoy her body visually. It is a happy man whose wife understands his natural response to the visual, and out of love for him chooses to make an effort to take care of her body simply for him. While time is not on the side of a Sport's Illustrated swimsuit model, time is always on the side of the woman whose beauty is growing from the inside out. A godly woman ages with great beauty. That's why, for her husband, empty, transitory, impersonal images can never compete with the real deal.  A real-life relationship with a real-life woman with whom he shares real-life pleasurable intimacy and times of enjoyment are incredibly appealing-especially if that woman unselfishly seeks to please her husband in her appearance and lets him know he is desirable when he makes sexual advances. This is coming straight from the mouths of real, godly men.²⁶

In a nutshell, a woman's desire to please her husband visually feeds his soul.   Oddly enough, it is also feeds her soul and the souls of her children. Our men simply want us to know, "This is important to us. It makes more of a difference than we are willing to tell you. Please make an effort to love us by caring for your own body."

Difference #3:  Men Do Not Easily Articulate Their Innermost Feelings

 In fact, sex is often the one place where a man finds an outlet for his feelings.²⁷  Women need to better understand that articulation of inner emotions actually goes against the innate male nature and is not a natural part of the male language repertoire.²⁸ There are those for whom this is not true, but they are not the norm. This fact comes as no surprise to women; but it is a mystery.

Though the image of an iceberg is overused, there is no better illustration to describe this aspect of manhood. The normal man is much like an iceberg, with eight-ninths of its huge mass submerged beneath the surface. His true inner self-that core part of a man that experiences but rarely reveals fear, anxiety, hurt, depression, insecurity, grief, passion, love-remains deeply submerged. All the while, these emotions profoundly shape who he is, how he relates to God, the decisions he makes, and the way he interacts with his significant others. Even in our culturally "softened, sensitized male" world, the natural ability of a man to identify and articulate these feelings continues to lie outside his normal grasp. That is why, unless his emotional life has been nurtured in a healthy way as a child growing up, a man's natural tendency will be either to explode (anger continues to be the one culturally acceptable masculine emotion) or simply to clam up and shut down.  

There is a reason for this. Men were designed by God to be action-oriented, aggressive, strong, protective, fighters for good, able to "take it." Even in childhood development, this inherent trait is obvious. A boy's large motor skills develop earlier than girls, while his verbal skills develop much later.²⁹ Even then, his earliest words tend to be action words. (Give a third grader an assignment to write about how he felt on his first day of school and he will be stumped; he wants to write about what he did on the way to school-like ramming his bike into a tree or tearing his pants on a high fence.) To adolescent boys, toughness is a virtue, and any emotion other than anger is a weakness.  Manliness inherently comes to mean having your act together, being strong, unafraid, in control. Any revelation to the contrary is shunned. By adulthood, the majority of men do not tend to think in terms of "emotions" or "feelings" or "wounds" (an un-masculine word if there ever was one)-even though they deeply feel these things and are profoundly affected by them. 

Yet Christian men love the Psalms. They envy the relationship of Jonathan and David where the male bond was so strong that two men could express love for one another and weep together. They feel passionately about issues that affect their souls, their families, and the world in which they live. The deepest hurt of a man's life occurs when he fails to receive sufficient intimacy and verification from his father. When my husband speaks at men's conferences, he has observed that it is the "Dad"-talk in which strong men actually break down and cry. There is no greater or more important love to a man than the love of another real man in his life, especially his dad. Yes, men are emotional beings.

A wife can become the single most powerful catalyst in helping her husband identify and articulate the feelings that churn inside of him. But male self-exposure is predicated upon the listener's ability to be objective (rather than reactive). It is also predicated on the belief that he will not lose manly self-respect in the process. That is why your husband needs to know that you deeply respect him when and because he is vulnerable, that you value the strength and humility it takes to be vulnerable more than you value any other single masculine trait he may possess. 

Where does a woman begin in becoming such a catalyst? The best place to begin is where Jesus often began, by asking good questions. And then she must simply listen.  When she does finally speak, it must be to articulate and verify what she is hearing him say. She is checking to see if she has gotten it right, and allowing him to correct her if she has not. By the way, have you ever noticed how Jesus' questions spoke directly to people's deep inner fears, needs, and motives? Wise questions are like golden keys to secret closets. It takes skill to ask good questions of our husbands.³⁰ If you love your husband, you cannot ignore his silence; for silence, as with the silence of Adam, is lethal.³¹ So if at first he "runs," patiently stay with it. Transparency for a man is usually connected to a loss of masculinity; he may not even know what he feels deep inside.  If there is great pain in his heart, he will prefer to continue to live in that comfort zone of denial.  But ultimately every man needs to understand his inner core; and he does desire emotional intimacy with his wife.

In fact, transparency of both husband and wife is absolutely essential for true sexual fulfillment in marriage. The flow of transparency must go both ways. This means that as a couple walks through life together, a woman will also need to explain herself to her husband.³² Men do not understand our sexual language either; we are an enigma to them. The more a husband "gets" his wife, the better he will be able to draw close to her emotionally and even please her sexually, which in turn will give him his own greatest sexual pleasure. Men enjoy sex most when their wives are enjoying it with them. 

Paradoxically, the hardest area for transparency between a husband and wife is in the area of sex. It is the least openly discussed topic among couples even in the very best of marriages. But in these times, it is crucial. Fifteen years ago Paul Tournier wrote in his excellent book, To Understand Each Other, "The best protection against sexual temptations is to be able to speak honestly of them and to find, in the wife's understanding, without any trace of complicity whatsoever, effective and affective help to overcome them."³³ 

Tournier is right. One counselor to sexually addicted men emphasized to me that a wife cannot afford to stand by with an "I would rather not know" approach to this subject. He suggested that understanding a man's natural needs is not enough. "Open the door and ask the right question," he said. Rather than asking, "Are you struggling with porn or lust?" ask, "What are you doing to keep from struggling with porn or lust?" Philandros cares enough to ask the hard questions-in a spirit of gentleness, looking to ourselves, knowing that we too are subject to great temptation (Gal 6:1).

Difference #4:  A Man's Mind Easily Moves from Image to Fantasy

Visual images for men move quickly from thought to fantasy.  As we have noted, once an image enters a man's mind, it is unconsciously catalogued and able to appear again at any time in the form of powerful temptation.  It becomes a "mental time bomb."³⁴

Jesus understood this problem not only as the Creator, but as a man himself who was "tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin" (Heb 4:15). Jesus fully grasped the intense battle that occurs in a man's mind at the point of visual and mental arousal:

You have heard that it is said, "You shall not commit adultery"; but I say to you, that everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.  And if your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you that one of the parts of your body perish, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell (Matt 5:27-29). 

There's a familiar battle term called the "thin red line." In this case, we might easily refer to the "thin green line"-that fine line between seeing and "envying your neighbor's wife." This line can be so thin, said Jesus, that even an image caught with a man's right eye can draw him into lust. Jesus stunned his listeners when he suggested how much was at stake at this crucial point of the lust battle: lust can take a man to hell (v. 29).  In essence, Jesus was saying that lusting (fantasizing) about sex is as destructive as actually committing adultery outright. Fornication in the mind, said Jesus, is, well, fornication. Wow, says the world, God is strict. But Jesus also understood what mental lust does to a man's heart and soul. It alienates him from God (1 Cor 6:15-20), desensitizes his conscience, destroys his ability to sacrificially love his wife, and intensifies his appetite to go deeper. It is the germinal seed "that gives birth" to death (James 1:14-15). Jesus understood the addictiveness of lust. The conscious choice to entertain the idea of sexual pleasure apart from one's own spouse does not stop with a mere thought. Lust undresses, craves, and fantasizes. Therefore, said our Lord, pluck out your eye rather than caving to lust and risking damnation. These are strong, jarring words. The Bible is clear: those who practice sexual immorality will not enter the kingdom of God (1 Cor 6:9-10; Gal 5:19-21; Rev 21:8). 

Is Jesus teaching that one who lusts can lose his salvation?  John Piper answers this question with great theological acuity:

I have learned again and again from firsthand experience that there are many professing Christians who have a view of salvation that disconnects it from real life, and that nullifies the threats of the Bible and puts the sinning person who claims to be a Christian beyond the reach of biblical warnings. I believe this view of the Christian life is comforting thousands who are on the broad way that leads to destruction (Matthew 7: 13). . . . Faith that justifies is a faith that also sanctifies. And the test of whether our faith is the kind of faith that justifies is whether it is the kind of faith that sanctifies. . . . [True] Faith delivers from hell, and the faith that delivers from hell delivers from lust. Again I do not mean that our faith produces a perfect flawlessness in this life. I mean that it produces a persevering fight. The evidence of justifying faith is that it fights lust. Jesus didn't say that lust would entirely vanish. He said that the evidence of being heaven-bound is that we gouge out our eye rather than settle for a pattern of lust."³⁵

In other words, a truly regenerated heart of faith resists sin and perseveres in the fight against it.  If a heart does not anguish over sin and persevere to fight it, it may very well be a heart in which true, saving faith has never been born. A tree is known by its fruit, said Jesus (Matt 7:16-20). Faith that bears no works is dead, says James 2:26. Therefore, the man who is united with Christ is necessarily engaged in a struggle.

Difference #5:  Men Do Not Possess an Innate Defense against Sexual Arousal

Do you want to know what your husband's greatest challenge is? This is it. Because he does not naturally possess it, every man must develop a system of self-control over his sexual impulse and drive. And the best time to do this is in his transitioning years from adolescence into adulthood, when habits and attitudes are being formed and ingrained.

For this is the will of God . . . that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no man transgress and defraud his brother (1 Thess 4: 3-5, italics added).

The Greek word here for sexual immorality (porneia) is the word from which we get pornography. It is also the word from which pornē comes, meaning prostitute or harlot.  Porneia encompasses every form of sexual immorality-from lustful thoughts, to looking at immoral movies, to viewing pornography and masturbating, to visiting sex clubs, to committing fornication with someone who is not your spouse. But simply dressing provocatively, or giving the very appearance of evil (1 Thess 5:22) is included. A woman can certainly be as guilty of not possessing her vessel as can a man. 

However, the battle for men is a particularly difficult one. As one man explained, "Because of the way we are wired, it's more natural for us to fall into sexual sin than to stay out of it. We have to learn to hate what is so destructive for us-that immediate sensation/gratification of pleasure that ends in emptiness and a need for more-and to desire what we really need, which is a faithful, intimate, deeply pleasurable relationship with our wives." He is describing the age-old Rom 7:19 struggle.

But a man who is serious about the Lord and his marriage will set his heart to construct a defense. He will train himself to habitually avert his eyes and alert his mind to temptation, cutting it off at the pass. He will go to extreme measures to counter the enemy-even if it means having a TV removed from his hotel room or changing jobs. Like a right-handed basketball player training himself to bounce the ball with his left, he will have to learn by practicing what does not come naturally to him. Once he develops the skill, he becomes much harder to beat on the court. But he will need to continually practice this skill to stay good at it. As he is training his heart and mind, he may drop the ball. But a man whose heart is fully the Lord's will get right back in the game. And he will be transparent with his wife concerning his battle. 

If your husband is such a man, the worst thing you can do is walk around in a state of anxiety over potential infidelity just because temptation crosses his path. Being horrified that our husbands are tempted every day and obsessing over their inevitable encounter with beautiful women accomplishes absolutely nothing (cf. Matt 6:27). Rather than living in a state of anxiety (even though some of us may have been betrayed by other men in our lives), the best thing we can do is to pray for him. At some point, we must put our husbands in the hands of God. Prayer is our first, most powerful line of defense. Counter your anxiety with prayer (Phil 4:6). As relentless as the enemy is, that is how relentless our prayers need to be for him. We fight not against flesh and blood, but against the forces of darkness. "Therefore, with all prayer and petition, pray at all times"  (Eph 6:12, 18).

Differentiating between Sexual Temptation, Sin, and a Lifestyle of Sexual Sin

Women also need to understand the great difference between temptation and sin, thin as that line may sometimes be. It is interesting to note that temptation existed before the fall. The tree of knowledge of good and evil-with God's clear instructions-was placed in Eden (Gen 2:9) before Eve sinned and her husband followed suit. Satan, the tempter, certainly existed before the fall. Temptation is not sin. It precedes sin. Jesus, the God-man, was tempted sexually, yet remained sinless. Each one of us is tempted to act selfishly every day of our lives, even though we may choose not to act upon that temptation. So, even though our husbands live in a daily war zone, we cannot confuse that temptation with sin. 

There is also a great difference between sin and a lifestyle of sin. Will your husband sin? Sin is a given for every believer this side of heaven (1 John 1:8). There is no growth towards spiritual maturity that does not include stumbling and falling. "The issue is that we resolve to fight, not that we succeed flawlessly," says Piper.³⁶ There is a great difference between the kind of sinner who lives in awe of amazing grace and fights the good fight, and the sinner who has no fear of God and persists in a lifestyle of sin. Can sexual temptation be resisted? Certainly it can. Men can learn to control their sexual impulses. Too many women have bought into the lie that "it's just a guy thing." A Christian man or woman can develop self-control over any sinful impulse (gossip, anger, laziness, anxiety, unkindness). The fruit of the Spirit is self-control (Gal 5:22-23).³⁷

A Biblical Battle Plan

Paul gave his own spiritual son, Timothy, a two-pronged battle plan for building a defense system against sexual sin. Flee sexual immorality and pursue righteousness, he said (2 Tim 2:22). This is exactly what Joseph did when his youthful hormones were raging and Potiphar's wife was enticing him day after day. He fled immorality and pursued after righteousness. Who would have known if Joseph had relented? God. "How can I do this great evil, and sin against God?" he said (Gen 39:9). What was his reward for obedience and self-denial? He was falsely accused and thrown into a dungeon for what could have been the rest of his life. But God was watching Joseph. He was pruning his character in order to raise him up and use him. Our husbands suffer also when they resist temptation, if only because they have denied themselves a powerful secret pleasure. But God sees, and he honors such a man.

Now let us think back to that question, "What are you doing to keep from struggling with porn and lust?" If a man is willing to be transparent, if he's able to articulate specific safeguards he is taking, if he is open regarding temptations he faces and is willing to confess sinful lust when it occurs, he has a built-in protection against a private lifestyle of sexual sin and addiction. A man who becomes willingly accountable to his wife is going to have a natural incentive not to sin when temptation crosses his path (and vice-versa when temptation crosses hers). Personal accountability-that willingness to explain oneself at any and every level-is a most powerful weapon in a man's arsenal of defense.

If, however, a man says that he really does not struggle, then know this: he will-or, more likely, he does. This is the unvarnished truth. The man who resists transparency and accountability in this area has hoisted a huge red flag. Take it from those who work with men who struggle with sexual sin and addiction. A wife is foolish to ignore this. 

A lifestyle of sexual sin is perhaps the most secretive of all. It breeds deceit. It is masterful at hiding. If a wife begins to sense deceit, she should not ignore it. There are other major red flags: a growing emotional distance in the marriage, an abnormal increase or drop off in a man's sexual appetite, a sense that he is not really "there" (engaged with his wife) during the sex act, a growing attitude of anger whereby a man becomes more demanding and blames his wife for all the problems of their marriage, absences for long unexplained periods, hours of time spent on the internet while she is asleep, an unwillingness to let her have access to credit card and financial records. Counselors of sex addicts tell women to take heed of these things; a woman's instincts will tell her that something is wrong, even though she may not know exactly what it is. A man can lie and keep his sin so well hidden that a wife may never see it coming. But oftentimes, looking back she may recognize that there had been signs. Sexual sin, unarrested and unexposed, easily leads to some form of sexual addiction, which brings us to our final point. 

Difference #6:  Men are More Vulnerable than Women to Sexual Addiction.

This is not an article about sexual addiction. But we must address it if only briefly, for a wife is instrumental in discerning the addiction and helping in her husband's recovery. At this point, the smooth stone must become a sharp, well-honed stone, as in  "iron sharpening iron."

Why is a wife's role so urgent? It is urgent because not only is the soul of her husband at stake, but also the souls of future generations-for patterns of infidelity and the destruction that sexual addiction brings can be passed down to succeeding generations (cf. Exod 20:5). Our children's future lives are very much at stake.

Can women become addicted to sex? Yes, and more and more women are. As culture declines, Romans 1 tells us to expect women to act out sexually in unnatural ways (v. 26).  But men are the ones who are most often convicted of crimes connected with sex, such as rape, child porn, sex abuse, and other crimes of a sexual nature. Biologically, the Y chromosome spurs the brain to grow extra dopamine neurons, the cells involved in reward and motivation, and in their release, underlie the pleasure of addiction and novelty seeking.

Does this excuse men? Far from it. It does explain that secret sexual sin can readily give way to sexual addiction in a man.

Early Exposure, Adult Addiction

Research indicates that most sexual addictions (but not all) begin early, usually in adolescence. It can start with an "innocuous" early exposure to soft porn during those formative years; then it can easily progress from there.³⁸  For the men of my generation, that exposure came most often from a father or older brother's porn stash, or perhaps from that of a close relative or neighbor. Today, predators bypass parents altogether, pursuing our children via the most innocent of avenues, such as "My Space" websites on the internet. One in five children ages 10-17  "inadvertently encounter explicit sexual content," and "the U.S. Justice Department reports that nine out of ten children are exposed to pornography while doing their homework on-line."³⁹ Having a computer block is good, but it is only one line of defense. Young people do not have to own their own iPOD or video cell-phones to access them. Besides, most boys from Christian families are more likely to view internet porn away from their own homes.  This is why dads must frankly and openly address this subject early on with their sons. One Christian counselor of sex addicts estimated that 95 percent of his clients began their addiction in their developing adolescent years. Research bears out his experience.

The Nature of Sex Addiction

Sexual addiction has the same progressive traits as other addictions: (1) a denial of the addiction, insisting that the problem is really not a serious one; (2) self-loathing and multiple vows to change; (3) a craving for more stimulation with more frequency, accompanied by a feeling of urgency, that one simply cannot "go without"; (4) bolder steps toward acting out in real life what is being fantasized, since unhealthy sexual sensation by its very nature becomes less satisfying and requires more; (5) an increasing inability to think rationally or to consider consequences-even if it means losing a job, a wife, a family, a reputation.

In a Christian man, a split occurs, for he is having to live two lives: one as the good Christian man who loves his wife and family, and the other as the addict who cannot seem to keep himself from going deeper. Lying becomes habitual, a skillful part of his everyday existence. His heart has long since grown cold towards God; he may not even truly know God, having acted out a Christian persona throughout his life because that was what worked for him. Yet he carries on this lie, relying on grace and the hope that at some point God will take him back. He hopes that if and when he marries a good woman, he will somehow be delivered. But the best, most beautiful wife cannot give him that selfish "rush" to which he has become so addicted. Such a man feels like half a person: one man in public, another in private. It is a torturous and ultimately disconnecting existence. A wife can be doing her best, but the addiction has now taken control. Only God can awaken, convict, and turn his heart.

When a wife discovers her husband's sexual addiction, she is faced with a painful decision. She feels deeply hurt and betrayed; this is not the man she thought she married. She may even have a biblical right to divorce him. She must ultimately come to two unalterable realizations. The first is that it is not her fault. The second is that she cannot change him. Both are equally difficult and essential to embrace.

Once exposed, a sex addict will respond in one of two ways. The first kind of man will become deeply convicted of his sin and truly repentant. What is genuine repentance? Charles Spurgeon said that a man's repentance is evident only when his repentance is as great as the sin he has committed. Thomas Watson described godly repentance as  "the vomiting of a man's soul." A truly repentant man will confess to his wife and to those significant others in his life who can help him. He will "come clean," fully and completely. There will be no more hiding, no more lies. If he is wise, he will include his wife in the process of confession to others, especially with friends who are close to both husband and wife. If he is in visible spiritual leadership, he will confess to the entire church and, recognizing that he has disqualified himself, he will step down willingly from leadership. The goal of his repentant confession is not to make the front pages of the paper, but rather to begin the hard biblical process that leads to change and restoration. There will be a notable humility, a brazenly honest spirit, a willingness to do whatever it takes to come out of his addiction, an attitude of perseverance even when things get rough, and a recognition that he will be vulnerable throughout the rest of his life.

The second kind of addict is more tragic. Once caught, he will either angrily deny his sin until the evidence is overwhelming, or simply minimize the seriousness of his sin, excusing it and often blaming his addiction on someone else (usually his wife). He may take outward steps initially to make those around him think that he has dealt with his sin, and he may even have everyone "snowed." But there is no true remorse or long term perseverance. Such feigned repentance is indicative of a heart skilled at lying and hardened at the core, able all the while to maintain a well polished exterior. This is a man who must be broken by God or face tragic consequences. Whatever category a sexual addict may fall into, the question for his wife is this: What would God have her to do?

Wife, Sister, and Friend

Sadly, what I am about to say is rarely taught to our women; yet it is a crucial underlying principle of marriage. You are your husband's friend and neighbor (Matt 22:39). And if your husband is a believer, you are also his sister in Christ. This means that every command that applies to relationships between believers applies to you (cf. 1 Cor 12:13-27). This needs to be shouted from the mountaintops in every women's ministry. God gives a wife a certain responsibility towards her friend and brother, her husband. She must not be an enabler. Rather she is called by God to be an agent for accountability and change in his life. This is a profoundly important aspect of the biblical relationship and responsibility to this man she has married. Passages like Ezek 3:18-19 (a sobering passage, which says a man's blood is on our hands if we refuse to confront him about his sin). James 5:19-20, Gal 6:1-5, and many others, apply to the wife as her husband's sister and friend. Once she has learned of his sinful lifestyle, she will be crushed and heartbroken; she will feel irreparably hurt and betrayed. Yet for his sake, God may call her to be the Nathan in her David's life. If he refuses to confess to those significant others who should be a part of his restoration, tough true love will say to him for his sake, "You can tell them, or I can tell them. Which would you have it to be?" A woman may end up going through the biblical process of discipline with the leadership of her church, following Matt 18:15-17; 1 Tim 5:19-21, and Titus 3:10-11.   It could be the most difficult thing she has ever done. But God will walk her through it (Ps 23:4) and she will do it because she cares about the soul of her husband. She will do it because, "‘Stolen water is sweet; and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.' But he does not know that the dead are there, that her guests are in the depths of Sheol" (Prov 9:17-18). 

One woman whose husband betrayed her wrote this remarkable perspective:

Jesus Himself left the ninety-nine to go after the one. Well, didn't the one wander off on his own? Didn't he, like most stupid sheep, go his own way? Yes, true to his nature, he wandered; there he was on his way to destruction. But Jesus, being a good shepherd went after him. . . . As I feebly looked to the Lord and tried to look beyond the physical, temporal (pain), all I could see was spiritual devastation! He was ruined and on his way to hell. This whole thing took on a new perspective for me. It really wasn't about me at all, but it was about a man deceived by the enemy. And that enemy wanted me to become so wrapped up in myself and my feelings and my life that I would lose sight of what was really going on. Armed with this new perspective . . . I began to care on a completely different level than I had ever cared before. The primary battle for the hurting wife . . . is to look at our situation with an eye to the eternal.⁴⁰

 Conclusion

The subject of sexual addiction is worthy of its own article. But it would be unfair to leave you without hope in what God can do. Countless couples have recovered from situations in which there was unimaginable betrayal, sexual sin, and addiction. My husband and I have met many of them, couples who were once without any hope, yet by God's grace have been restored to a deep love and trust, and actually have a stronger marriage today than previously when things were seemingly at their best. They will testify that it was a long, hard road. It took enormous humility, tender teachability, extreme accountability, wise counseling (meaning a willingness to pay the price for this marriage in dollars), profound forgiveness, and an enduring perseverance. They recognized that recovery would be a long process requiring lifelong safeguards. Such restoration takes lots and lots of time. But who is counting the days when you know that God is doing a good eternal work?

In the end, we can say that philandros is not easy.  Nothing worthwhile ever is. But it is unspeakably rewarding. Blessed is the man whose wife understands and embraces his male sexuality as a gift from the Creator of all good things.

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