A Journey to the Interior of the Family: The Family's Core

A profound honor is mine today to address this noble assembly when so many of you are more eminently qualified than I to address the subject, "The Family's Core."¹ I accept the assignment out of the matrix of my own life and ministry as an evangelical follower of Christ, a Christian. My presupposition and, doubtless, my remarks will at times expose that commitment, but I trust that such inevitabilities will not obscure the broader scope of my remarks, which I believe to be generally applicable to all religious concerns and ethnic diversity. Above all I pray that I shall be offensive to none.

To speak of the "core" of the family is to speak of that which is foundational. One might, therefore, imagine a Mexico City skyscraper as an analogy for the family and address the question of the foundations that support that edifice. But buildings are static. They have no life, they are entirely predictable, so the organizers of this congress have wisely suggested a different metaphor-that of the core of the family.

Golf balls, baseballs, soccer balls, and basketballs have cores. Golf balls and baseballs used professionally or collegiately must meet standards, or else someone will gain unfair advantage over another. A few years ago a well-known Major League Baseball player lost credibility when his bat broke in two revealing an illegal core. Imagine attempting a rousing game of soccer or hoops with a ball that had no air-the essential core ingredient for such round balls.

My purpose then is to suggest five essential ingredients that constitute the core of the family, which in turn serves as the core of every social order in the world. These five ingredients are to the home like hydrogen and oxygen to life on earth. They are not the whole story, earth's substance consisting of multiplied other elements, but they do appear to be absolutely essential. So, I believe, are the five aspects of the family on which we focus now.

(1) The Home is the Plan of God

            An atheist or an agnostic can have a family, even a happy family. However, there can never for them be a mandate, a heavenly mandate ordaining and ordering the family. For them the family is just "social convention" in the parlance of postmodern philosophy. If the family unit ceases to be perceived as beneficial, or some other connivance seems preferable, the family can be cast aside. As divorce rates escalate globally even among theists, one can observe this "practical atheism" at work. The covenant with the family is no longer a convenient commitment. Consequently, many simply jettison the family for some other "arrangement."

But thoughtful theists comprehend that God is the Creator of all the natural order, having endowed human beings with his own image. Whatever else may be involved in this "image of God" in each of us, at the very least we are more than protoplasm. We are like God, spiritual beings also. If God is the creator of all that exists excepting himself, then surely he ought to be heard regarding his purpose in creation. Listen to God's voice from the Hebrew Bible:

Then God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth." So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Then God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth" (Gen 1:26-28).

And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being (Gen 2:7).

And the Lord God said, "It is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a helper comparable to him." Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them.  And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name. So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place.  Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh (Gen 2:18-24).

And Adam called his wife's name Eve, because she was the mother of all living (Gen 3:20).²

The concluding declaration has breath-taking ramifications. We are not in the eyes of God Latinos, Asians, Arabs, Bantus, Anglos, Jews, or Indians. We are all Eve's offspring, all family members of the human tribe created by God in his image. Can you imagine what effect universal recognition of that fact would have on violence, war, abortion, and every other evil of our cosmos? And not only is Eve the mother of all living but also she is the female wife of Adam specially created by God and instructed, along with her male husband, to be fruitful, bear children and nurture those children so that human life might multiply on the earth through their own families.

The Catholic Family and Human Rights Institute released in 1999 the good news first mentioned in the Second World Congress of Families that "sixty-three percent of the world's population believe that ‘the family' is central to an ideal society and that eighty-one percent believe the definition of marriage is between ‘one man and one woman.'"³  Yet, the Heritage Foundation reports that in the United States only 12 out of every 100 children born entered a broken family in 1950. By 1992 that number had skyrocketed to 58 out of every 100.⁴

The plan and purpose of God could not be more lucid: one man for one woman for life, birthing and nurturing children to become themselves responsible husbands and wives. Recognition of this plan and purpose of God is a core essential for global harmony, peace, and productivity. Today, I call again upon the United Nations and all sovereign states not only to recognize the divine origin of the family as the basic unit of all social order but also to lend every conceivable support through both education and legal expedients to maintain the family as the plan and purpose of God in all the earth.

(2) The Home is also the Essential School

As an educator, I believe in the importance of schools. My children are honors graduates from their respective universities, I hold a research doctorate, and I am embarrassed but proud to report that my wife has two such doctorates. I serve as president of one of the world's largest post-graduate institutions for training ministers. But candor and integrity compel me to confess that nothing accomplished in any level of formal education holds a candle to the potential of the home for educational achievement.

In 1405 B.C. the children of Israel surveyed from the pinnacles of the eastern mountains of the great Middle Eastern Rift Valley the fertile plain of the Jordan River with the Judean hills rising to the west. To the south was the Arabah and the Sinai, which would be only a memory and the grist for the "milling" of many a story for future generations. Moses the Incomparable "cast a wishful eye to Canaan's fair and happy land" from Nebo. However, he would not place a foot in the river, parade around Jericho, or sound a blast on his shophar. Here in some secluded crevice, one whose eye was yet undimmed, even at centenarian status plus twenty, would mysteriously slip out into eternity unobserved; and his body be interred in an unmarked grave. But before his departure, he had a concluding postscript to his life, and that is found in part in Deut 6. With the people gathered in a natural amphitheater and with Joshua, the commander-designee, standing by in awe, the voice of one who had once complained that he could not speak now resonated with undiminished vigor. He left this admonition for parents of all generations.

Now this is the commandment, and these are the statutes and judgments which the Lord your God has commanded to teach you, that you may observe them in the land which you are crossing over to possess, that you may fear the Lord your God, to keep all His statutes and His commandments which I command you, you and your son and your grandson, all the days of your life, and that your days may be prolonged. Therefore hear, O Israel, and be careful to observe it, that it may be well with you, and that you may multiply greatly as the Lord God of your fathers has promised you-"a land flowing with milk and honey." Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. So it shall be, when the Lord your God brings you into the land of which He swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give you large and beautiful cities, which you did not build, houses full of all good things, which you did not fill, hewn-out wells which you did not dig, vineyards and olive trees which you did not plant-when you have eaten and are full-then beware, lest you forget the Lord who brought you out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage.  You shall fear the lord your God and serve Him, and shall take oaths in His name. You shall not go after other gods, the gods of the people who are all around you (for the Lord your God is a jealous God among you), lest the anger of the Lord your God be aroused against you and destroy you from the face of the earth. You shall not tempt the Lord your God as you tempted Him in Massah. You shall diligently keep the commandments of the Lord your God, His testimonies, and His statutes which He has commanded you (Deut 6:1-17).

What captures my attention in this passage begins with the simple observation that there is no mention of priest, prophet, temple, or synagogue in the teaching assignment.  The primary task of spiritual guidance and instruction is assigned to fathers and grandfathers-to the home!  Further, the statutes, commandments, and judgments are to be taught out of the natural circumstances of life, a more compelling theater than the traditional classroom.  Consequently, methods vary according to circumstances, but one cannot teach what he does not know and embrace.  So the commandments must first be in the heart of the parent.  This metaphor implies knowledge, acquiescence, and devotion to the commandments of God.  Promises of both joy and longevity are associated with the mastery of this curriculum.

My wife is named Dorothy-"gift of God" in Greek.  And that she certainly is.  She took Deut 6 seriously with our family.  She stitched a beautiful wall-hanging for our son, Armour.  As you might guess, it was Eph 6, "put on the whole armour of God."  For our daughter, Carmen, Prov 31, the woman whose price is greater than rubies adorned her bedroom wall.  And for her husband?  He was periodically under a bit of fire, so Matt 5:11-12, "Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake.  Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you," was in a kairotic moment prepared.  But how could she make her husband deal with the text.  Well, she found a way.  There in the smallest room of the house, positioned unavoidably, the text could not be evaded.

Seize the opportunity and the initiative not only to teach God's ways in the home but also to apply them to life's hills and valleys.  The home remains forever the chief seat of instruction in a society of hope.

(3) The Home is the World's Finest Court of Justice and Mercy

Endemic to any successful rule of law in any society is a system of justice which wisely adjudicates the disputes and criminal acts of its citizens. But no judge, no attorney, no jury can ever have adequate time to study and know the character of those whom it seeks to judge. Neither is there much room in law for mercy. Justice is thematic for law.

Here again, the family is unique and quite superior to any system of jurisprudence when the home is functioning as the admirable mix of mercy and justice. Let me see if I can illustrate that truth.  When I was an impish, curious, adventuresome lad of about six years, I will confess that I not infrequently ran afoul of the reigning system of jurisprudence in my world (which at age six was essentially my home).  My dad took seriously the admonition of Prov 13:24, "He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly," and Prov 22:15, "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod will drive it from him."

My dad's favorite application of these passages involved sending his miscreant son out to select the "switch" used to drive out foolishness.  Only later did I realize that the effect of this policy was to make me live agonizingly aware of a period extending beyond the discipline itself that justice and judgment were inevitable realities of rebellion.

However, my dad also administered mercy. For example, once I discovered a whole colony of small frogs in the forest behind our house.  I needed for my new "pets" a "home" from which they could not escape.  In Dad's closet I struck pay dirt!  My dad's tall-sided cowboy boots were the perfect high rise for my amphibious friends.  How could I have known that Dad intended to wear them that very night?  I happened into his bedroom just in time to see the horror, which registered first in his face-then in mine, as he plunged his foot into the right boot.  In terror I wailed knowing that my "switch" would certainly be a whole pine tree.  Instead, and to my profound relief, Dad observed my repentance, hugged me close, and told me how much he loved me.

This mix of justice and mercy needs to characterize the whole human family. I contend that it can only be taught in a family. One of the most important monographs written on this subject is George Gilder's classic study Men and Marriage.⁵ In this volume, which I believe to be essential reading for advocates of the family, Gilder argues that men need marriage and the family to tame them. Gilder is making no effort to feminize men, a course of action that he considers disastrous. But he does demonstrate that marriage is essential, along with family responsibility, for taming the barbarian who inhabits most men's souls. Gilder is able to demonstrate that, when men lack a good father-model and/or a wife, there is a definite connection between the absence of such taming qualities and a life of crime.

The same is apparently true even among social animals.  Many have read of the incident that took place in Pilanesberg National Park in South Africa.⁶  Somehow, strictly protected rhinos were dying at an alarming rate.  The deaths occurred mostly at waterholes, but there were no signs of poachers and no evidence of disease.  The mystery was resolved by the use of hidden cameras that revealed a group of adolescent elephants, relocated to the park without the discipline imposed by more mature bulls, had turned into a teenage gang of killers.  When older bulls were reintroduced, the roguish behavior ceased at once.  Hardwired to Connect, a crucial study introduced from The Commission on Children at Risk, provides indisputable evidence that much of the social disarray of contemporary society may be attributed to the absence of strong male models (fathers) in the lives of many teenage boys.⁷ If we desire a society of justice and mercy, then the family must be salvaged and honored.

(4) The Home is the Only Appropriate Venue for Sexual Intimacy

Surely God's major purpose in creating humans with the desire for and physical capacity for sexual union is the procreation of the race. Indeed, how very special this is. For while we cannot create a tree, a flower, or a cosmos, we have been blessed by the Creator with the ability to take hold of God's hand and create together with him another human life. But as important as procreation may be, there is more to be said for sexual intimacy than producing the next generation.

As God planned the whole program, one man and one woman would share in an intimacy unknown to any other human who ever lived. The Hebrew Bible achieves both candor and poetic beauty when it remarks that Adam "knew" his wife Eve. We know precisely what he meant because the next phrase reads, "and she conceived and bore a son." Adam knew Eve in an intimacy that no other man or woman could ever experience with her. This unique union was God's plan.

When that plan is not honored, the social order is corrupted; families are fractured; and, as we have seen too often, even ecclesial societies are humiliated.⁸  From the virtual enslavement of young women in a worldwide sex trade, to the world's most devastating addiction-pornography-to the misappropriation of nature in homosexuality, humans continue to demonstrate an innate selfishness and a diabolical disregard for divine purpose that threatens world civilization and peace more than all of the international conflicts, terrorism, and disease combined.

Sociologist Carle Zimmerman wrote as early as 1947, comparing the disintegration of various cultures with the parallel decline of the family in those cultures.  Eight specific patterns of domestic behavior typified the downward spiral of these cultures:

(1) Marriage loses its sacredness . . . is frequently broken by divorce.

(2) Traditional meaning of the marriage ceremony is lost.

(3) Feminist movements abound.

(4) Increased public disrespect for parents and authority in general.

(5) Acceleration of juvenile delinquency, promiscuity, and rebellion.

(6) Refusal of people with traditional marriages to accept family responsibilities.

(7) Growing desire for and acceptance of adultery.

(8) Increasing interest in and spread of sexual perversions and sex-related crimes.⁹

In Men and Marriage, George Gilder notes that, "Sexual liberals often declare that their true end is sexual freedom for both men and women. But nothing is finally free, least of all sex, which is bound to our deepest sources of energy, identity, emotion, and aesthetic sense. Sex can be cheapened, as we know, but then inevitably, it becomes extremely costly to the society as a whole."¹⁰  Ladies and gentlemen, let us proclaim the sanctuary of the family as the only appropriate venue for sexual intimacy and that with a man and his female wife.

(5) The Home is the Triumphal Arch of Love

Every nation has its monument celebrating past courageous leaders who liberated the people from oppression. Sometimes they were constructed by the leaders without the enthusiasm of their subjects, but the monuments remain. The Triumphal Arch in every family is love. But how savagely our world has cheapened that term, love. What is love anyway?

Listen to the sage conclusions of Paul the Apostle who wrote,

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.  And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.  Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.  But whether there are prophecies, they will fall; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part.  But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.  When I was a child, I spoke as a child.  I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.  For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face.  Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.  And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love (1 Cor 13:1-13).

Here the profound theologian portrays even noble acts as of limited value without love.  Then he follows with a list of behavioral characteristics. If he cannot quite define love, he can at least describe how it acts.  Love suffers almost anything for almost any duration.  Love is innately kind, not proud, and never behaves rudely.  Unselfish to the core, love thinks no evil toward the object of its affection.  Love bears all things, believes the best about all things, and hopes always for the next sweet moment with those beloved.  With the magnitude of faith and hope, it is love that surpasses all.

Solomon, the wise king of Israel, wrote nearly 3000 years ago of his affections for a country girl: 

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is as strong as death, jealousy as cruel as the grave; its flames are flames of fire, a most vehement flame.  Many waters cannot quench love, nor can the floods drown it.  If a man would give for love all the wealth of his house, it would be utterly despised (Song 8:6-7).

Surely it is within the boundaries of the traditional family unit where love is most consistently practiced.  In the matrix of the family, both immediate and extended, the opportunities present themselves to acquire responsibility for others regardless of circumstances.  In the family, love not only accepts responsibility but also within the circumference of that tight-knit unit love extends itself most unselfishly in behalf of the objects of one's affection.  And from the family one senses the forgiving and affirming love, which most clearly imitates the love of God expressed in a Christian understanding and most poignantly in God's gift of his Son Jesus to provide forgiveness to repentant sinners through his death on their behalf.  And through this, the objects of that divine love are adopted into the family of God.

Conclusion

On February 8, 1989, an event occurred that affected the life of my family sufficiently so as to set it apart as a "holy place" in our lives.  Until this day I have spoken of it in public only once.  That day we laid to rest the body of 19-year-old Luel Pantoja, son of Luis and Lee Pantoja-and the best friend of my son Armour.  Every conceivable effort to treat the cancerous tumor that had wrapped itself like a strangling vine around the base of his brain had proved ineffective.  Every fervent heartfelt cry to God had apparently been answered with a gentle "no."  Luel knew that he was dying and would probably never be able to fulfill God's calling on his life to be a minister.  He expressed the desire to see the Holy Land before he transferred his residence to heaven.  Courageous parents agreed to try, and Luel got to see it, although desperately ill.  Though by this time he was heavy with swelling, my 21-year-old son, Armour, often hoisted Luel on his back and carried him like a war-wounded brother over difficult terrain to be sure he missed nothing.

Now we stood at the graveside in Dallas.  Luel's father, Luis, had delivered an incredible eulogy in the service at First Baptist Church, Dallas, and I had attempted to preach a message of comfort.  The last words had been offered at graveside, and people were shuffling slowly to their automobiles.  My six foot, two inch son stood stoically, the lone remaining pallbearer beside the casket, restraining even the first tear in what he probably considered the "manly" thing to do.  Suddenly all restraint vanished.  Powerful legs buckled, and falling on his knees beside the casket of his best friend, his firmly muscled shoulders that had borne his friend shuddered and sagged and he wept-heart shattered and decimated with an overwhelming sense of loss and anger that he could not find a way to spare his noble friend.  Kneeling beside him, I did all I could.  I put my arm around him and wept with him.  I knew well the war that was being waged that moment in his own soul.  He was asking why, and I could not tell him.  But, I knew this-if he lost that battle he would live a cynic.  He would someday die bitter and out of fellowship with a God he had concluded he could not fully trust.  If he won the battle, he would trust God and determine in his heart not to live for himself alone, but for Luel and for his Lord.  And I knew that the experience would often call him back from the brink of a serious mistake.

How grateful I am for the assurance in that moment of grief and tragedy that Armour knew the experiences of a family where love and mercy ruled.  When we as parents could say nothing, Armour won the victory that day in his own soul.  He still does not understand.  Neither do I.  But, we do believe God and trust him in all things.  Armour rose from his knees after about twelve minutes.  Brushing tears from his face he cited King David, the monarch of Israel 3,000 years ago.  Armour said, "Dad, let's go home.  Luel cannot come to us but we shall go to him."

Ladies and gentlemen, let us this day commit ourselves anew to keep a home and a family to which we all can go in an hour of need.  May we build our immediate and extended families, recognizing them to be God's first and most basic institution.  At the core of each family may we provide that essential character development and understanding that no other school can ever supply.  May we labor to place at the core of each family the twin virtues of justice and mercy.  God grant that at the core of our families there will be a sacred garden of sexual intimacy between wife and husband never violated by either partner or those from outside.  And finally may these core ingredients be wrapped in the mantle of genuine love as described by Paul.  God grant that it may be so.

Today we have gathered in Mexico City to say to the United Nations and to the governments of our world: Maintain the sanctity of the home, a husband, a female wife, the children, grandchildren, aunts, uncles and cousins-the extended family.  Recognize that this plan is no mere convention of society but rather a paradigm that is in fact the prescription of the Almighty God.  Honor the home by recognizing the role it must play in primary instruction, as a court of justice and mercy, as the only acceptable and constructive venue for sexual intimacy, and as the exhibition center for the demonstration of genuine love.  To all governments we say: protect the home as defined herein, value its crucial contribution to the social order, and acknowledge always that the handprint upon it is the hand of God.