But How Does It Work In Marriage?

Question:

In a practical way, in your marriage relationship, how do you balance malefemale equality with male headship?

This question will be answered by six of our Council members: Bruce Ware, Mary Kassian, Ray Ortlund, Dorothy Patterson, George Knight and Rhonda Kelley.

Answer:

MY WIFE, JODI, AND I enjoy a deep, growing and genuine love and respect for each other. I admire her gifts and abilities, and I offer my help to her in ways I can. She, likewise, seeks to assist me in all the ways she is able, and I am so appreciative of her support, encouragement, advice and contribution.

While we enjoy, then, a relationship of mutual service to one another, it is clear to both of us that I am God's designated leader in our home. She recognizes her calling to assist me in my calling in a way that extends beyond our normal help to one another. In short, we serve each other, but together, she works particularly to assist me to accomplish my own calling before the Lord.

-Bruce Ware

Answer:

BRENT AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED for almost thirteen years. In that time, he has always honored, blessed and encouraged me. He has never, ever said or done anything that would give me the impression that I am lesser than he. He trusts me completely, and gives up much on my account. When he fails, he is quick to seek forgiveness. I am left with the impression that he regards my desires and interests as more important than his own, and I feel cherished.

Therefore, the question of male-female equality has not been an issue in my mind. I am secure and confident in who God has made me as a woman. Brent upholds and guards my "equality" so I do not feel the need to do so. And because of Brent's great love, I am delighted-indeed overjoyed-to have the opportunity to respond to his leadership and encourage him in it. I try to do so on a daily basis by communicating to him all that has happened during my day, including what has happened in the lives of our children. I open my heart to him, pour out all my daily disappointments, victories, joys and struggles. I invite him to share himself with me and to provide me with his wisdom, insight and leadership.

On a very practical basis, we seek to set aside some time each day for this to happen. "Couch Time" is a time when the children, the computer, the paperwork, the housework, the phone and all the other demands of life are set aside in order to concentrate on each other.

This simple exercise does a number of things: First, it reinforces the equality part of our relationship. My views, perceptions and opinions are voiced equally alongside his. Second it provides Brent with the information necessary to establish God's vision and direction for our family. If he does not know what I am thinking and feeling, he cannot lead wisely.

"Couch Time" also provides me with a glimpse of his heart. I delight in responding to his leadership because I know that he has listened to me, heard me, and that he considers my views very, very seriously. I have seen how his heart is motivated, not for pleasing himself, but for doing what is right.

"Couch Time" builds trust. I trust Brent's leadership, and he trusts me that I will be honest with him, support him and never ridicule or mock his efforts to lead. Finally, "Couch Time" is just a lot of fun! We have a lot of laughs and enjoy the beauty and goodness of all God intended marriage to be.

-Mary Kassian

Answer:

MY WIFE JANI AND I are joint heirs together of the grace of life. I also have the privilege of serving her as the head of the home. So how do I know when my service as head is on target? It seems to me that I have not properly listened to my wife until she feels listened to. I have not properly understood my wife until she feels understood. I have not properly cared for my wife until she feels cared for, and so on. So, as we negotiate the challenges of everyday life, alert attention to my wife's feelings teaches me how to conduct myself toward her so that my headship truly translates into blessing for my wife. She deserves it.

-Raymond C. Ortlund, Jr.

PAIGE AND I ARE BOTH COMMITTED to the vows we made at the time of our marriage: he promised to cherish me, and I promised to obey him. God's plan is based on a beautiful tension-as Paige offers to me provision, protection and leadership (Gen. 2:15-17), I respond with submission to accept his provision, protection and leadership.

Because God gave me to Paige to be his helper, Paige takes advantage of the "help" God has given to him. He asks for my input and listens respectfully to the insights I have to share. I feel loved and useful, even when Paige does not accept my counsel; Paige accepts the challenging responsibilities God has given him to love me, even if sometimes I am unlovable, and to lead me, even though I have a sometimes independent and stubborn spirit. There is a beautiful reciprocity in the equality of our standing before God and the diversity in our responsibility to the Father.

-Dorothy Patterson

Answer:

OUR EQUALITY AS IMAGE BEARERS OF GOD and as joint-heirs of the grace of Christ is the most basic factor that governs the relationship that Virginia and I have as husband and wife. Biblical principles are the driving force in our marriage. Constantly we work on the way in which we lovingly express and carry out the roles God has given to each one in accordance with those Biblical principles.

In applying those principles on a day-to-day basis, there are many decisions which are a question of application, wisdom and judgment. In these situations where we are seeking wisdom and God's guidance, there may be several options that appear open to us.

In the decision making process, I must take into consideration the needs, thoughts and feelings of my wife, as the Apostle Peter tells me to do (1 Pet. 3:7), so I might exercise a godly and loving leadership for the two of us who are one by marriage.

-George W. Knight, III

Answer:

OUR UNDERSTANDING OF Biblical teachings about the husband-wife relationship impacts our marriage daily. For the past twenty-one years, Chuck and I have respected each other's unique personalities and gifts. We have acknowledged that we are both created in the image of God, equal in worth and value, but different in role and function. Our marriage has grown as we have each fulfilled a role and together have become a stronger unit.

On a daily basis, with the help of the Lord, we are able to combine male headship with male-female equality in a healthy and positive way. We have found distinctive roles helpful especially when we are making significant lifechanging decisions.

Two years ago as I faced the challenges of a full-time career, a growing ministry, and a family commitment, and Chuck faced increasing demands in his work, we prayed together about God's leadership in our lives. Chuck provided invaluable feedback and ongoing support.

Ultimately, I made the decision to "retire" from my professional work in order to pursue full-time ministry and time with my family.

At this time in our lives, we face another time of decision. We are praying together about God's leadership in our lives. As it is Chuck's work that may change, I offer personal advice and provide encouragement. I have true confidence in him to make the right choice for us at this time. I am at peace knowing that God can use me wherever He might lead us.

-Rhonda Kelley