Men Seeking Alimony: The New Male Abdication and the Biblical Standard

Cultural commentators have repeatedly observed in recent years that many of today's young men lack motivation and direction. It is not out of the ordinary for even thirty-something year-old males still to be living with (and supported by) their parents and lacking any real plan to pursue a vocation and provide for a family. For many men who do marry, it is more and more common to find that their wives are the primary bread-winners. While she is establishing herself in the workplace, he is often content in his low-demand, low-income job—with his video game appetite and other toys fully funded by her. He has no work ethic, no career, no future, no clue. The role of provider was once seen as an essential and noble aspect of manhood. But for too many of today's young men, being responsible to provide for a family is neither necessary nor desired.

Unfortunately, things seem to be getting worse rather than better. The Wall Street Journal recently ran a story entitled, "Men Receiving Alimony Want A Little Respect." The article reports that gender discrimination in alimony was ended by the Supreme Court nearly 30 years ago. However, in that time, "few male beneficiaries have stepped forward to talk about it." "But today's men," writes Anita Raghavan, "are shaking off the stigma of being supported by their ex-wives." Raghavan interviewed several of these men, and the article's subtitle says it all: "Modern males say living off the ex-wife is no cause for shame."

Apparently, we've come a long way, baby.

Alimony is the money that a court orders a higher-earning spouse to give to their husband or wife following a divorce. While divorce itself is a travesty that has ripped apart and scarred countless families, my focus here is on how modern men respond to yet another opportunity to abdicate their role as provider-even as provider for themselves.

One of those interviewed in the WSJ article is John David Castellanos, a Hollywood actor who receives alimony from his ex-wife—to the tune of $9,000 per month. According to Castellanos and a growing number of men, they sacrificed their careers for the sake of their wives' careers. Now they want some "payback" to maintain their marital standard of living. Others seek alimony—not due to marital sacrifices—but so they may continue to have their toys fully funded. After his divorce, Phillip Upton, a shop foreman, "couldn't have afforded the $20,000-a-year cost of maintaining his 1960s-vintage collection of cars with outsized motors." According to the divorce settlement, he receives about $40,000 a year from his marketing executive ex-wife. "Had I not gotten that," Upton contends, "I would have lived a different lifestyle."

Surely, our culture is rejoicing over this advance in gender equality, right? The fact that the relatives of one woman call her alimony-receiving ex-husband a "deadbeat" would seem to indicate otherwise. The woman herself says, "In some instances, alimony has become akin to a social-welfare program provided by working women to their ex-husbands." After the court ordered her to make sizeable alimony payments, another ex-wife was even more blunt: "Why the courts don't tell a husband, who has been living off of his wife, to go out and get a job is beyond my comprehension." Indeed.

How should Christians respond? As R. Albert Mohler Jr. has written, "We understand that men were made for work, and that a man's responsibility is to care and provide for his wife and family." It is not merely that men seeking to live off of their wives (ex- or otherwise) are "deadbeats"—more seriously, they are abdicating their God-given responsibility to work and be providers. Contrary to the men interviewed, this is undeniably a cause for shame. Men were not made to live off of the income of others; they were made to labor. Even if a man has no wife or children, his responsibility to work remains—not only to provide for himself but so that he might provide for others who are in need (note especially the biblical concern for widows and orphans).

Scripture attests from the beginning that man was created for work (Gen 2:15), and it consistently chastises the lazy (e.g., Prov 18:9; 19:15; 21:25). "If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat" (2 Thess 3:10). Beyond this general biblical expectation that men are to labor, Scripture assigns men the primary responsibility to be providers for others—especially a wife and family. After the Fall, it is Adam who undergoes pain and toil in working the ground (Gen 3:17-19)—understood as his primary area of responsibility. Paul commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Eph 5:25). While this involves more than provision, it can hardly include less. Concerning the care of widows, Paul writes, "But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse then an unbeliever" (1 Tim 5:8). While one may argue that the "anyone" includes both men and women, surely the husband bears the primary responsibility. Paul expected wives and mothers primarily to care for the home and nurture children (1 Tim 5:10; Titus 2:5). Thus, the apostle considers a man's role as provider to be so significant that he equates abdication with denying the faith.

This phenomenon reported by WSJ is simply a further symptom of a culture filled with men who have no idea what it means to be a man. And, unfortunately, the church has not remained unaffected. Christians must respond to this crisis of manhood by exhorting our young men to be men. We must be intentional in raising our boys to be providers—to accept primary responsibility to support a wife and family. I do not need to know (now) what specific vocation my six-year old son will follow when he grows up. What I do need to know (now) is that I'm raising a future provider, so that he may nourish and care for others who will depend on him.

May the church not merely decry the manhood crisis; may we confront it by bringing up godly, noble men. As we do, let us continually point our young men to the one whom they are to model, Jesus Christ: a divine Husband who sacrificially provides for his bride (Eph 5:25-27). And let us be eternally thankful that he expects no "payback" from her.