Complementarian Spouses and Egalitarian Extended Family

Chip and Celia have been married for 5 years. They love and respect Chip's parents, but Chip's parents feel that the couple needs to spend more time with them, take their input more seriously about parenting, and allow Celia to work outside the home ("...since she does have her Master's Degree").

In a society where we breath the air of feminism, many young couples face the struggle of building a complementarian marriage while having parents who see through egalitarian lenses. Here are a few tips on how to honor egalitarian parents while also not compromising your biblical convictions.

1. Humility: We are always told to "honor our parents," so the best way to honor parents when you disagree with them is by humbly hearing them (without interrupting) and humbly responding. It is okay to disagree, but if there is a lack of humility in your heart during hard conversations, it is probably going to stir more strife than peace. James 4:8 says, "God is opposed to the proud, but give grace to the humble." God will give pour out his amazing grace as you seek to be humble and honor him.

2. Remember the Gospel: Alfred Poirier encourages us to see criticism with our eyes on the cross. He says, "In light of God's judgment and justification of the sinner in the cross of Christ, we can begin to discover how to deal with any and all criticism. By agreeing with God's criticism of me in Christ's cross, I can face any criticism man may lay against me. In other words, no one can criticize me more than this cross has. And the most devastating criticism turns out to be the finest mercy. If you thus know yourself as having been crucified with Christ, then you can respond to any criticism, even mistaken or hostile criticism, without bitterness, defensiveness, or blame shifting. Such responses typically exacerbate and intensify conflict, and lead to the rupture of relationships. You can learn to hear criticism as constructive and not condemnatory because God has justified you."

3. Did you always hold this position?: For many of us, we did not always hold the complementarian position that we now embrace. Give your extended family an opportunity and grace to learn. Allow them to see the way you function as a family and not seek to teach them "why you are right." I have heard C.J. Mahaney say, "Time and truth are on our side" and I think this quote can apply here.

4. Get the log out of your own eye: Are you more aware of your sin or the sin of your extended family? Jesus says that you need to get the phone pole out of your own eye before you get the tooth pick out of theirs.

5. This is not your worst problem: Your worst problem is your sin and the wrath of the Father that you deserve and the eternal hell that should come to you. Through the cross of Christ, your worst problem is fully and finally handled because Christ was a substitute for the punishment you deserved. An offense by your extended family is not nearly as significant as your offense against God. Your worst problem is solved.

6. Husbands, lead graciously: A heavy handed husband is not going to win over anyone. A husband who is loving his wife as Christ loves the church is going to be respected. Your extended family is watching you and your marriage can be a picture of the gospel or a distortion of the gospel. Husbands, it starts with us.

7. Wives, submit intelligently: A feminist society cannot comprehend a loving wife who is positioned toward her husband and home. When wives joyfully serve and show that complementarianism is not "doormat-ism" the watching world marvels. Wives, use the gifts God has given you for his glory and the good of your family. Your extended family may never understand, but your Savior will say, "well done."