Complementarian Singles: Who Should I Marry?

[Single female readers of Girl Talk and single male readers of Man Speak are regularly encouraged to prepare for marriage.  Then the challenging and intoxicating process of discernment can begin (whether called courtship, rescued dating, or whatever) to answer the question posed in the title of this post.  Walt Alexander is a regular contributor at Man Speak and provides the second part of a two-day challenge for single complementarians. — David Kotter]

If we become the "right" person who is prepared to marry, who should we "court" with the intention to marry?

This is a list to consider:

1. We should court someone who is a Christian. Because we — as Christians — are forbidden by Scripture to marry a non-Christian (2 Cor 6:14-15), we should not court one. This is a no-brainer. If you are courting/dating a non-Christian, break up with them.

2. We should court someone who knows and treasures God. We should not court people who do not know God and treasure God. We should not court someone who is stagnant in their love for and pursuit of God. Now, this does not mean everyone has to be John Piper, but it does mean they should treasure God and be content in Him. Look for what they delight in and you will discover what they treasure.

3. We should court someone who is pursuing humility (by the grace of God). No one is humble so don't look for perfection. But do look for humility. Court someone who is pursuing humility — someone who is accountable to friends, to small group leaders, and to pastors, someone who follows the wisdom of their parents and small group leader, someone who is patient, etc.

4. We should court someone who we see God at work in. Now — because we are often blinded by lust — we tend to prize externals (appearance, weight, personality, etc.) but fail to value what really counts, godliness (1 Tim 4:7-8). So court the person who is growing in godliness. Do not court the guy or girl whose life is not adorned with the fruit of godliness. If you marry someone for externals, that is what you will get. So be wise and look for fruit. Guys, look for the Proverbs 31 woman and, girls, look for the Mark 10:43-45 man!

5. We should court someone who is committed to a local church. We should not court a drifter. A drifter is someone with many, shallow relationships who is uncommitted. In fact, they shirk at relational and church commitment. The problem, ultimately, is not merely that they are drifters. The problem is their wandering, sinful hearts (like all of ours!) need the sturdy ground of the church, otherwise they (and we) will drift and wander to their demise. So, we should court someone who is committed to a local church. It is in the church that we experience the fullness of blessing in the Christian life.  It is where we receive invaluable instruction from God, plug into God-glorifying relationships, and serve God's people. Therefore, someone committed to a local church will most likely be growing in godliness and will be accountable to others.

6. We should court someone who is personally mature. We should court someone who has their life in order! If they don't have it in order now, they will not have it in order when you marry them. Court someone who is faithful, organized, and self-controlled.

7. We should court someone we "like". Should this even be here? Oftentimes this is elevated to number one. We will not court someone unless they are someone we hang out with, someone we could see ourselves with, someone who is "cool" (whatever that means!), someone who we've been thinking about, etc, and we decide all this before we even court them!! This should not be. We must get back to what God requires of a man or woman and submit our criterion to God's Word. In other words, we shouldn't court someone who we merely like.  Like is somewhat important but it is not ultimate. Like must be submitted to God's rule. Properly submitted to God's Word, we should be open and willing to court someone who we would not normally like but who is a Christian, growing in godliness, serving the church, and mature enough for marriage. God's Word is trustworthy, but romantic ideals of like and dreams are deceitful.

Finally, in any and all of these areas, do not look for perfection, except that we should not court a non-Christian. Look for growth. Look for God at work, transplanting new desires and new delights in place of old desires and old delights.