Complementarian Singles: How Can I Prepare Myself for Marriage?

[Many female readers of Gender Blog are familiar with the teaching and encouragement of the popular blog Girl Talk.  But more readers need to know that the same solid biblical content is served up in manly portions in the blog ManSpeak.  Walt Alexander is a regular contributor at ManSpeak and has the following two-day challenge for single complementarians. — David Kotter]

Have you ever noticed that in "picking" the right guy or the right girl it is just that? Have you ever noticed that the other person is always our preoccupation? We are often thinking: Is she cool? Is she hot? Is she organized (ok... probably not most of us)? Does she have money?

We are quite scrupulous on the other person. But far too often, we are not the same way with ourselves. So, let's take our eyes off the other person for a moment and start with ourselves. Instead of searching for the right person, let's strive to be the right person.

So, how can I be the right person to court? How can I prepare myself?

Well, here are four categories to think through before you begin courtship (stolen from several messages by Mike Plewniak, a pastor at Cornerstone Church, on courtship):

Spiritual maturity — This is the most important category. Someone who is spiritually mature knows God. Someone who knows God is someone who thinks and acts like Him. What God hates, they hate. What God loves, they love. Is this you? Someone who is spiritually mature is someone who is content in God. This is someone who is not easily swayed from their pursuit of God by other things. They are consistently happy in God.

• Is your life centered on the gospel?
• Are your devotions consistent and passionate?
• Guys, are you mature enough to lead spiritually? Are you willing to sacrifice your preferences and "rights" to serve others?
• Girls, are you mature enough to discern and follow godly a man?
• Guys, what pulls your heart? A girl who is popular, hot and flirts with you or a girl who is content with and pursues the Lord?
• Girls, what pulls your heart? A guy who charms you or a guy who is faithful and leads spiritually?

Personal maturity — What you want here is a mature, disciplined life. A mature person is someone responsible and faithful, someone who gets things done.

• Are you faithful? (Ask your friends or your pastor if they can count on you and find out!)
• Is your life organized or is it haphazard? Do you stumble through each day or do you strategically plan your day to honor the Lord?
• Do you sleep late every day? Do you get to class on time? As Mike Plewniak said, "If you cannot get yourself out of bed and get to class on time, you are not ready...you are still just a boy."
• Is your car clean? Often, our car reflects our heart and life.
• Are you productive? Do you work hard? Or do you waste your time playing World of Warcraft, checking your facebook, and chatting with people online?

Economic maturity — What you want here is someone who can reasonably provide for a wife and family. What you shouldn't be looking for here is to be able to have and do whatever you want if you got married. You should be able to pay for the essentials (rent/mortgage, health insurance, food, gas, cars, clothes, etc.) and grow into other things.

• Can you reasonably afford to get married and to provide for kids?
• Do you have a job or are you marketable? How long until you get out of school?
• Are you careless with your money? Where do you spend your money?
• Do you have a credit card? (Burn it now if it is out of control!!)
• Do you have lots of debt? Can you reasonably afford to get married and continue paying off this debt?
• If you are still unsure, take your budget to your father or small group leader and ask him to help you make a reasonable budget.

Sexual maturity — What you want here is to have your sexual desires under control. You want to be disciplined and self-controlled. Though sexual desires are still there, they should not rule — either in sinful thoughts or actions.

• Are you a flirtatious attention-seeker? 
• How is your thought life?
• Do you over-romanticize marriage? Are you preoccupied by the prospect of it?
• Do you fight and subdue lustful thoughts?
• Are you addicted to pornography or masturbation?
• How are your actions?

Now you are probably worn out at this point and too aware of how you fall short. It is good for us to see how we measure up and to see where we need to grow. But as we strive to grow, let us move to one area at a time aware that the God who has justified us once-for-all is the God who will completely sanctify us.