Cherishing Your Marriage: Part 1

[Mike Seaver is a graduate of the Pastors College of Sovereign Grace Ministries and serves as a pastor on the team at Crossway Community Church in Charlotte, North Carolina. His exhortations for men at Role Calling are always biblically sound and spur me on in the Christian walk. - David Kotter]

 Yesterday, I sat in the waiting room in the hospital waiting for my wife to come out of surgery and I overheard a lady talking about her marriage. It was quite revealing. She talked about the importance of her marriage for several minutes, but then trashed her husband for coming home late from work in the next sentence. It is amazing how we can know marriage is a gift from God, yet complain in our hearts (or out loud) about the very one that God gave us. God wants us to cherish each other, so as a man I want to challenge my brothers out there.

How do you think you are doing at cherishing your wife? When was the last time you surprised her with something like a gift or that special dessert she loves? When was the last time you had a date night? It seems to me that often the times I grumble in my heart about my wife are the same times I am not seeking to cherish her. I am being selfish and taking her for granted. Here are a few ways I have learned to cultivate a "cherishing" mindset in my 7 years of marriage. I still have much to learn, so please feel free to add to my list. (Most of these ideas are stolen from friends...especially C.J. Mahaney).

1. Study your wife. You need to know what she likes and when she likes it. She might not like the idea of you taking her to a pro basketball game and announcing your love on a jumbo-tron. She may like the nice restaurant or the long hiking trip.

2. Keep studying your wife. My PDA has a reminder to "romance Kristin" every Saturday at 6a.m. Now I don't actually wake her up early on Saturdays, but I try to take time each Saturday and figure out how I can bless and romance her. That might mean purchasing some special coffee that she likes or it might mean getting her tickets to a Clemson game (which would truly bless her). It can be big or small, but it is always fun. For example, yesterday, I purchased a Lynn Austin book for her because I know she is enjoying the Chronicles of the Kings series.

3. Pull away. No, I'm not saying take time off from your wife, but take time off from your regular life and take your wife with you. This might mean a "once per year" romantic weekend or it might mean several day trips away from the regular busyness of life.

4. Cultivate communication. Yes, movies and television can be fun in moderation, but your normal time with your spouse should be in speaking to each other. How will we get to know our wives if we never talk to them?

5. Invite correction. What would your wife say if you said, "Sweetie, if you knew that I would fully listen to you and not react, what would you observe as being areas I need to grow or change in our marriage and parenting?"

6. Listen. This should be self explanatory, but guys honestly stink at this. We don't need to be formulating our counter argument when our wife is speaking or seeking to "teach" our "weaker vessel"...we need to humbly listen.

7. Repent. When God convicts you of sin against your wife, go quickly and repent.

8. Know her soul. Just like a pastor is to give account for those he shepherds, a husband is going to give account for the spiritual life of his wife. You (husband) should know what she is learning and from whom she is learning it. You should know how her devotional times are going and what kinds of books encourage her. She is a daughter of the king and you need to treat her with all of the care you can.

9. Encourage friendships. We all need accountability and those around us to "sharpen" us spiritually. Your wife needs female friends to point her to the cross and point her toward her husband. I don't know how many times a friend of mine will give me advice that my wife has been giving me for months, but I see my friend's advice as an amazing revelation (not special revelation) from God. My wife says, "Hey love, I've been telling you to do that for awhile." Well, sometimes our wives could use the same advice and care.

10. Love her. Yes, this should be #1, but I think as we cultivate numbers 1-9, we will be showing and cultivating love for our wife. We are to love our wife as Christ loves the church. This means positioning yourself in the best interest of your spouse. Seek to cherish her...you won't regret it.