Why is marriage so hard?

Because of human selfishness, self-focus and self-worship, says Paul David Tripp.

"Sin causes me to shrink my life down to the size of my life," Tripp, president of Paul Tripp Ministries, said. "Sin causes me to shrink my hopes, dreams, desires and motivations down to the claustrophobic confines of the borders of my own life. Sin causes me to shrink my world down to my wants, my needs and my feelings."

Tripp addressed how to handle difficulties in marriage in two presentations titled "What Did You Expect? The Realities of Marriage" Aug. 25 as part of "The Gospel: Counseling and The Church," a conference on biblical counseling at Sojourn Community Church.

Selfishness is a problem for 10 out of 10 people, Tripp said, which obviously has an adverse affect on marriage. In contrast, 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 teaches that Christ died for people so that they might no longer live for themselves but for Him, Tripp noted. To work through a self-focused perspective toward a Christ-honoring approach to life and marriage, Tripp said, spouses must uncover and be honest about their selfishness.

"What looks like love may not be love," he said. "You can have a woman shopping for the final piece of the puzzle, looking for the man who will fulfill her dreams and complete her life. The man is doing the same thing and they often don't realize it. What so needs to happen, the biggest thing people need to be rescued from, is themselves."

Tripp said marriage has a tendency to expose how deeply self-oriented people are, but that God uses this institution to sanctify His people. Tripp said God exposed significant anger in his own life through his marital relationship, even as he ministered to others as a pastor and counselor.

"In the context of my marriage, God brought me to the end of myself," he said. "I was headed for disaster. God used the deep difficulties of that relationship to expose how deep was my need for the rescuing grace of Christ."

To grow through such difficulties, Tripp said couples must ground their marriages in the Gospel. He said Christians must cling to the truth that God through Christ has broken the power of sin over them, made them new creations in Christ and is purifying them from the continued presence of indwelling sin in their lives and marriages.

Every day, Christians must fight to live for the kingdom of God, instead of following self-centered, self-focused desires, Tripp said.

"The war between the kingdom of God and the kingdom of self is the deeper war that is the reason for all those horizontal battles that take place between us," he said. "It is only when you gain ground at the deeper level that you can gain ground at the horizontal level."

To grow in relational unity, Tripp said spouses must heed Jesus' words in Matthew 6:33 to seek first His kingdom. Progress can be made in marriages when both spouses seek to live for the same King instead of for two different sets of self-centered pursuits.

"Jesus died to break the bondage that I have to my passions and my desires," he said. "Do you know what it means to seek His kingdom? You (husband) wake up in the morning and say, ‘today, I am going to look for specific, concrete opportunities to love my wife.' (Wife) you say ‘I want to know my husband, I want to know where he struggles, and I want to know ways that I can serve in him in love.'"

When spouses, in complete reliance upon God, commit themselves to the kingdom of God and pursue growth in Christlikeness, the result will be deep, satisfying and God-glorifying marital relationships, Tripp said.

"Jesus died so that I could be free of the nasty, anti-social, dissatisfying agenda of the kingdom of self and so that I could live in the beautiful country of the kingdom of God," he said. "And so that I could know experiences of love, unity, tenderness, sweetness and service that are beyond anything I could every produce in my own wisdom and in my own strength."

Gender Blog continues with the latest installment of our "Unchanging Truth" series. These articles, while not as current, are still beneficial, and they demonstrate the consistent application of biblical truth by complementarian scholars, authors, and pastors through the years.

The following is an excerpt from Rebecca Jones's article, "Submission: A Lot More Than Giving In." It was first published in The Journal for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood in 1998.

As I drove my fifteen-year-old daughter home from gymnastics, I listened intently to her description of a painful, embarrassing moment. Her emotions weighed not only on my soul, but on the gas pedal. A sick feeling came over me as I saw the flashing lights behind. When the policeman asked me if I had any reason for driving 40 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour zone, I simply replied, "No sir, I just wasn't paying attention."

When we had finished the formalities of the ticketing process, I drove away (slowly!). My daughter, now truly sobbing due to the increased strain of watching me get a ticket I couldn't afford, began complaining about how unfair the officer had been.

"No," I insisted. "He wasn't unfair. If I was going over the speed limit, he had every right to stop me and give me a ticket."

"But he was so arrogant, so know-it-all," my daughter argued. "And he could have just warned you."

"Well, I've seen worse," I answered.

I didn't resent that policeman, nor did I fear him as a person. I didn't feel either better or worse than he, but he was a policeman and I wasn't. In that situation, I was called to submit myself to his jurisdiction.

Cultural Changes

This situation of legal authority is about the only picture of submission we have left in our society. Though it may not be particularly helpful when we think of a wife submitting to her husband, it does illustrate one principle. Just as the policeman was not "better" than I was, but was simply exercising the authority he had been delegated, so a husband is not "better" than his wife merely because he is in authority. She is no less a worthy human being than he, but authority is a part of his job, his identity and his calling.

You can read the rest of the article here.

This is the second clip in our series from D.A. Carson's talk at the 2009 Different by Design Conference. As he is working through the argument of 1 Timothy 2, Carson deals with the phrase "to exercise authority."

The first clip in the series can be seen here.

You can listen to all of Carson's talk here.

For nearly four years, Tim Tebow has presented a dilemma in my home. He is an all-American quarterback, perhaps one of the two or three best players ever to play the college game. He is, as we say in my rural Georgia hometown, "tougher than pig iron," often battering his body and willing his troops to victory like Aragorn at Helms Deep. Opposing players see Tebow in the huddle and shudder. He plays every down as if it were his last. I really like that.

But, herein lies our dilemma: he plays for the Florida Gators, the national champions, and my family has for decades bled the red and black of the Georgia Bulldogs, my alma mater's entry in the toughest sports conference in America. For us, the operative equation goes something like this: Dawgs plus Gators equals mortal enemies. But here is my recent problem: Tim Tebow is my brother in Christ. He shares the Gospel, undertakes missions work, and seeks to live a Godward life with the same tenacity that he displays when it is third-and-goal on the opponent's one-yard line. Tebow wears eye black emblazoned with John 3:16 and he plays football the way a Christian should: smash mouth, grit-and-gunpowder, all out all the time, to the glory of God. It is exceedingly difficult to root against such a brother. Tebow's full story is available here.

Last season, after Florida suffered its lone defeat of the year, Tebow publicly shouldered the blame for the loss. In a memorable post-game press conference, he pledged to apply every ounce of his strength toward winning the remaining games. Florida won 10 straight (steamrolling our beloved Bulldogs along the way), its final victory coming in the national championship game against Oklahoma. Florida's streak began with Tebow exhibiting a concise summary of biblical manhood - tenacious humility. And Tebow's tenacious humility became the tracks upon which the streak rode. Last weekend, Tebow suffered a concussion against Kentucky, but I suspect he'll be back very soon. He's not the game-missing kind.

Recently, my oldest son asked me if it would be okay if he adopted Tim Tebow as a hero so long as he maintained his primary allegiance to a certain team from Athens, Ga. (where, incidentally, head coach Mark Richt, a vibrant follower of Christ, is also a wonderful example of biblical manhood). I didn't have to think very long. "Absolutely," I told him, wondering if I had really just signed off on such a request. This dilemma has stretched me; it has made me pray for the grace to live in accord with the difficult imperatives of Romans 12, which is always a good thing. In the same manner as Paul admonished believers to imitate him insofar as he imitated Christ, I want my boys to be like Tebow because he is a very clear and winsome example of what biblical manhood should look like in a young man.

One does not have to delve very deep to find a vibrant and orthodox faith living within college football's brightest star. This past summer, Tebow was asked about his commitment to stay pure until marriage. Could it be true? "Yes," he told a cynical media corps, without blinking. Tebow believes the Bible teaches that sex is the exclusive privilege of a man and woman within the bonds of marriage. He said so without blinking, later admitting that he does not date. And so authentic was his answer and so authentic has been his walk before a watching public, the usually snarky fifth estate received the answer without the customary ridicule. "How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word." (Ps. 119:9)

Tebow is unashamed of Christ and all the implications that come from following Him. He is willing to endure mockery and ridicule for Christ because, as he recently told ESPN in an interview, living for Christ is life and death. And football?  Well, he told ESPN, it is just a game and it is by no means ultimate; Christ and the Gospel are.

This is what biblical manhood does. Biblical manhood carries out assigned tasks with diligent effort to the glory of God. It walks unashamedly with Christ and risks alienating the city of man on issues such as sexual purity because it lives with a greater city in view. It lovingly, humbly, and with biblical tenacity, leads and protects those placed under its care, manfully shouldering the blame and repenting when it fails. Biblical manhood enjoys the good gifts God has given while worshiping the Giver as the supreme treasure. And it pushes fathers to teach their sons that love for the body of Christ trumps affections for their favorite football team.

Go Dawgs, but God bless you brother Tim. Thank you for giving my sports-crazed son a snapshot of Christ and a reminder of the supremacy of the Gospel.

[Editor's Note: This post originially appeared on Owen Strachan's blog on September 24, 2009. For more of Strachan's excellent commentary, please visit his blog here.]

I have blogged about this before-mainly because it keeps coming up-but I've just read a fascinating piece called "Blue Is the New Black" by NYT op-ed columnist Maureen Dowd in which she briefly explores her thesis that modern women are unhappy.

Here's a synopsis of her argument:

[T]he more women have achieved, the more they seem aggrieved. Did the feminist revolution end up benefiting men more than women?

According to the General Social Survey, which has tracked Americans' mood since 1972, and five other major studies around the world, women are getting gloomier and men are getting happier.

Dowd outlines what modern women must juggle in their quest to be happy today:

When women stepped into male- dominated realms, they put more demands - and stress - on themselves. If they once judged themselves on looks, kids, hubbies, gardens and dinner parties, now they judge themselves on looks, kids, hubbies, gardens, dinner parties - and grad school, work, office deadlines and meshing a two-career marriage.

"Choice is inherently stressful," Buckingham said in an interview. "And women are being driven to distraction."

Finally, Dowd suggests that one major complicating factor is children:

One area of extreme distraction is kids. "Across the happiness data, the one thing in life that will make you less happy is having children," said Betsey Stevenson, an assistant professor at Wharton who co-wrote a paper called "The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness." "It's true whether you're wealthy or poor, if you have kids late or kids early. Yet I know very few people who would tell me they wish they hadn't had kids or who would tell me they feel their kids were the destroyer of their happiness."

The more important things that are crowded into their lives, the less attention women are able to give to each thing.

Read the whole piece.

I don't know if you care about this piece. But it's a hum-dinger. Maureen Dowd is a very influential cultural voice. She is a feminist. She is highly successful and driven, as evidenced by her weekly column for the Times. She is admitting, in public, that modern women are unhappy. This is essentially an admission-hold your breath here, deep breath-that feminism is not working. Coming from a feminist, that's astonishing.

Dowd's words about children are so telling. Women must work very hard to raise children well. This endeavor entails considerable sacrifice and hardship, especially relative to the kind of libertarian, narcissistic, no-commitment happiness that our culture so chases after. But the problem is this: raising kids is hard work, and unlike many men, they have a hard time leaving responsibility behind (evidence: "deadbeat dads").

Modern women would hugely benefit from returning to traditional roles. Their current state of unhappiness, as Dowd characterizes it, is a direct result of the influence of feminism. God did not give us roles as a kind of sexual prison; He gave them to us for our good and flourishing. If we reject this plan, coded into both our design and the Word of God, then we will surely suffer.

Modern women are unhappy. Feminism is not working. It is the call of the church of Jesus Christ to image the kind of happy (though by no means easy) life of the biblical home. We do so not merely as a means of witness, in these strange days, but as a means of rescue.