[Joshua Harris is the senior pastor of Covenant Life Church in Gaithersburg, Maryland and serves as a Council Member at CBMW.  This post from his blog was written independently of Mike Seaver's prior post, but beautifully demonstrates what "Cherishing Your Marriage" looks like in practice.  - David Kotter]

Honoring My Wife

by Joshua Harris

This post is an unabashed display of husbandly pride. Forgive me, but I want to honor my amazing wife. She spends herself managing our home and caring for and educating our three children. Like all mothers, she could be doing something else if she wanted to. In Shannon's case it's singing. She has an amazing voice.

Even though she has for the most part laid her singing career aside, God has graciously given her opportunities to contribute her talents to various projects. Most recently, it was on a worship CD inspired by the book The Valley of Vision.

If you're not familiar with the book, I highly recommend it. It's a book of Puritan prayers compiled by Arthur Bennett. A few years ago, Sovereign Grace produced an album of songs based on the prayers in the book. Shannon was able to sing three of the songs, including the title song, "Valley of Vision."

So, anyway, this Christmas Shannon was surprised to get a card from a lady in Wales named Elizabeth Clough. She is the daughter of Arthur Bennett. Here are the very kind words she wrote to Shannon:

Dear Shannon, I would like to say a BIG THANK YOU for the beautiful way you sang "In the Valley." Bob [Kauflin] sent me a CD which is based on the Puritan Prayers. It was my father, Arthur Bennett who edited the book and wrote the prayer, "The Valley of Vision." He would have loved your voice and the meaningful way you sang the prayer. So on behalf of the large Bennett clan, thank you in Jesus' name.

Mrs. Clough, your letter meant the world to my wife. Sometimes she forgets just what a gift her voice is to all who hear it. Thanks for reminding her. And thanks for giving me this excuse to honor her.

Shannon, you have a beautiful voice. But you also have a beautiful life because of the way you have surrendered it so joyfully to the purpose and priorities of the Savior. Your godliness and passionate pursuit of the Lord is the reason I love and respect you so much.

To everyone else, thanks for putting up with this "mush-fest" of a post. I hope it inspires you to check out The Valley of Vision in book form and CD. You can purchase the book here or the CD here.

[Mike Seaver is a graduate of the Pastors College of Sovereign Grace Ministries and serves as a pastor on the team at Crossway Community Church in Charlotte, North Carolina. His exhortations for men at Role Calling are always biblically sound and spur me on in the Christian walk. - David Kotter]

 Yesterday, I sat in the waiting room in the hospital waiting for my wife to come out of surgery and I overheard a lady talking about her marriage. It was quite revealing. She talked about the importance of her marriage for several minutes, but then trashed her husband for coming home late from work in the next sentence. It is amazing how we can know marriage is a gift from God, yet complain in our hearts (or out loud) about the very one that God gave us. God wants us to cherish each other, so as a man I want to challenge my brothers out there.

How do you think you are doing at cherishing your wife? When was the last time you surprised her with something like a gift or that special dessert she loves? When was the last time you had a date night? It seems to me that often the times I grumble in my heart about my wife are the same times I am not seeking to cherish her. I am being selfish and taking her for granted. Here are a few ways I have learned to cultivate a "cherishing" mindset in my 7 years of marriage. I still have much to learn, so please feel free to add to my list. (Most of these ideas are stolen from friends...especially C.J. Mahaney).

1. Study your wife. You need to know what she likes and when she likes it. She might not like the idea of you taking her to a pro basketball game and announcing your love on a jumbo-tron. She may like the nice restaurant or the long hiking trip.

2. Keep studying your wife. My PDA has a reminder to "romance Kristin" every Saturday at 6a.m. Now I don't actually wake her up early on Saturdays, but I try to take time each Saturday and figure out how I can bless and romance her. That might mean purchasing some special coffee that she likes or it might mean getting her tickets to a Clemson game (which would truly bless her). It can be big or small, but it is always fun. For example, yesterday, I purchased a Lynn Austin book for her because I know she is enjoying the Chronicles of the Kings series.

3. Pull away. No, I'm not saying take time off from your wife, but take time off from your regular life and take your wife with you. This might mean a "once per year" romantic weekend or it might mean several day trips away from the regular busyness of life.

4. Cultivate communication. Yes, movies and television can be fun in moderation, but your normal time with your spouse should be in speaking to each other. How will we get to know our wives if we never talk to them?

5. Invite correction. What would your wife say if you said, "Sweetie, if you knew that I would fully listen to you and not react, what would you observe as being areas I need to grow or change in our marriage and parenting?"

6. Listen. This should be self explanatory, but guys honestly stink at this. We don't need to be formulating our counter argument when our wife is speaking or seeking to "teach" our "weaker vessel"...we need to humbly listen.

7. Repent. When God convicts you of sin against your wife, go quickly and repent.

8. Know her soul. Just like a pastor is to give account for those he shepherds, a husband is going to give account for the spiritual life of his wife. You (husband) should know what she is learning and from whom she is learning it. You should know how her devotional times are going and what kinds of books encourage her. She is a daughter of the king and you need to treat her with all of the care you can.

9. Encourage friendships. We all need accountability and those around us to "sharpen" us spiritually. Your wife needs female friends to point her to the cross and point her toward her husband. I don't know how many times a friend of mine will give me advice that my wife has been giving me for months, but I see my friend's advice as an amazing revelation (not special revelation) from God. My wife says, "Hey love, I've been telling you to do that for awhile." Well, sometimes our wives could use the same advice and care.

10. Love her. Yes, this should be #1, but I think as we cultivate numbers 1-9, we will be showing and cultivating love for our wife. We are to love our wife as Christ loves the church. This means positioning yourself in the best interest of your spouse. Seek to cherish her...you won't regret it.

[ "The True Meaning of Headship" was a recent series in Genderblog (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4) examining a key word of Ephesians 5:23 "The husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior." From this and other passages complementarians conclude that husbands, though sinful and imperfect, are called to humbly lead and sacrificially love their wives in a way that imitates Christ's relationship to the church. Such a marriage points to and glorifies Jesus Christ.

This is the second part in a series offering contrasting views which disagree with the complementarian view of a husband's role. The post below was taken in its entirety and without editing from the CBE Scroll, which is the blog for the egalitarian organization Christians for Biblical Equality. — David Kotter]

A Comparison of Husband and Wife to Christ and Church

I am amazed that the small part of Ephesians 5 which is translated "as Christ is head of the church" is extended and explained so that a husband is compared to Christ in so many ways.

What is a simple comparison of the type of care which a husband is encouraged to give becomes in some people's minds the open door to husband as leader, decision maker, initiator, final authority in the home, and the one who must give account of every family member's spiritual life. The extension of this is the expected response of a wife which presumably is the same as that of the church-submission in everything. If there is not submission "in everything," then the comparison breaks down at several points.

The church (bride) doesn't have a say in the decision making of Christ, whose ways are far above human understanding or reasoning.

Christ is not sometimes influenced by the church (bride) to consider that a decision or course of action may need to be reconsidered.

The church (bride) is not responsible for, or influential in, how Christ performs his "headship" role.

The church (bride) can be disobedient, disrespectful, and ungrateful to Christ without any of these attitudes affecting Christ's innate nature, which is always loving, just, holy, and perfect in every aspect.

The church (bride) is not "equal but different" to Christ. There is no comparison between the creator of the heavens and earth and the church (bride) which is made up of created humans.

These are just a few thoughts on how these comparisons are not consistent with all of Scripture and continue to prop up the view of what God requires of a husband or wife. There are many others related to just this one verse.

Are there any comments regarding these comparisons or further ones which I haven't outlined here?

• Part 1
• Part 2
• Part 3
• Part 4
• Alternative View Part 1
• Alternative View Part 2

When dealing with a "disobedient wife" a Muslim man has a number of options. First, he should remind her of the "importance of following the instructions of the husband in Islam." If that doesn't work, he can, "leave the wife's bed." Finally, he may "beat" her, though it must be without "hurting, breaking a bone, leaving blue or black marks on the body and avoiding hitting the fact, at any cost," according to Saudi scholar Abdul Rahman al-Sheha.

Recently in Genderblog we discussed the true meaning of headship in a four-part series. The focus was on the biblical and historical textual evidence supporting the concept of authoritative headship in Ephesians 4:23, "For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior." This post will contrast the complementarian view of male headship with the vision set forth in Islam.

Biblical headship must always be humble, loving, strong, and sacrificial in a way that brings glory to Jesus Christ. In practice, husbands (and wives) sinfully fall short of this biblical ideal, which is why we are grateful that forgiveness is freely available by the blood of Jesus. Nonetheless, this complementarian goal for headship in marriage stands in stark contrast to other views of headship in other religions or the prevailing culture.

Islamic teachings on verse 4:34 of the Koran was described by Asra Q. Nomani in an article in the Washington Post. An English translation of the verse is available online: "Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made some of them to excel others and because they spend out of their property; the good women are therefore obedient, guarding the unseen as Allah has guarded; and (as to) those on whose part you fear desertion, admonish them, and leave them alone in the sleeping-places and beat them; then if they obey you, do not seek a way against them; surely Allah is High, Great."

Abdul Rahman al-Sheha understands this to allow husbands to use physical punishment as a "disciplinary action," especially for "controlling or mastering women" or for others who "enjoy being beaten."

American Muslim Preacher, Sheik Yusuf Estes, commented on this verse when speaking at an American university. In reference to "disobedient wives" he said, "First, tell them. Second, leave the bed. Finally, roll up a newspaper and give her a crack. Or take a yardstick, something like this, and you can hit." The ensuing discussion included questions about whether or not it would be appropriate to use a heavier Sunday paper to give a wife "a crack."

Other Muslims are understandably troubled by this understanding of verse 4:34. Accordingly, Indian Muslim scholar A. Yusuf Ali, inserts a parenthetically qualifier in his translation of the verse, "Men could beat them (lightly)." An organizer of Muslim Men Against Domestic Violence endorses only the "tapping" the wife as a "friendly" reminder.

Even so, not all Muslim husbands beat their wives (even lightly), and sadly, domestic violence occurs also in non-Muslim communities. Nonetheless the Koran presents a view of headship that is different than what we see in Scripture.

The headship of Ephesians 5:25-30 is one of a husband loving his wife, cherishing her, and caring for her physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. God provides for us, in his Word, a framework for understanding headship and manhood that is not compatible with that of the Koran.

Think of Joseph, the earthly father of our Lord, Jesus Christ, who protected and provided for his fiancé who was pregnant with a child that was not his. He did not beat her, he did not scorn her, and he did not even divorce her quietly (Matthew 1:19-24, 2:19-22).

And lastly, consider Christ, who was crucified for his disobedient Bride, the church (you and me). He does not give us what we deserve, which is far worse than a light beating. Instead he guides us, provides every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, and makes us joint heirs with himself (Romans 8:16-17).

Though Muslim leaders may understand the Koran to allow and even condone "light" wife beating, we recognize that the Bible has no room for domestic violence of any kind. Complementarians have no tolerance for beating because we believe the Bible to teach that headship and submission are willing and loving acts, not oppressive patriarchy. Truly biblical patriarchy is a call to die, not to beat. It is a call for husbands to sacrifice for the good of his wife and family. It is a call for husbands to protect from oppression, not administer it.

• Part 1
• Part 2
  
• Part 3
  
• Part 4
• Alternative View Part 1
• Alternative View Part 2

[Because the Scriptures reserve final teaching and authority in the church for men, our sinful natures can be tempted to fixate on what women cannot do. This is a tragic mistake, because it misses an endless number of important opportunities for gifted women to glorify God in fulfilling the mission of the church. This post from Lydia Brownback (of the Purple Cellar) with an extended quote from John Piper shows that we can avoid this error by expanding our vision of the importance of women, the church, and God's glory. — David Kotter]

Many Christians hold to what is called a complementarian view of women in the church. This view refers to the truth that men and women are created equally in God's image and by virtue of that are equally gifted, but women are called to use their gifts in different contexts from men. That being said, the fact that many of our brothers and sisters in Christ--those who seek to understand Scripture and be faithful to its teaching--view the issue differently doesn't make them less our brothers and sisters.

John Piper has preached on the subject, and I've pulled together some of his teaching focusing on what women can do in ministry rather than on what they cannot. In this excerpt from his sermon, Dr. Piper lists 16 things:

1) That all of your life-in whatever calling-be devoted to the glory of God. That the promises of Christ be trusted so fully that peace and joy and strength fill your soul to overflowing.

2) That this fullness of God overflow in daily acts of love so that people might see your good deeds and give glory to your Father in heaven.

3) That you be women of the Book, who love and study and obey the Bible in every area of its teaching. That meditation on Biblical truth be the source of hope and faith. And that you continue to grow in understanding through all the chapters of your life, never thinking that study and growth are only for others.

4) That you be women of prayer, so that the Word of God would open to you; and the power of faith and holiness would descend upon you; and your spiritual influence would increase at home and at church and in the world.

5) That you be women who have a deep grasp of the sovereign grace of God undergirding all these spiritual processes, that you be deep thinkers about the doctrines of grace, and even deeper lovers and believers of these things.

6) That you be totally committed to ministry, whatever your specific role, that you not fritter your time away on soaps or ladies magazines or aimless hobbies, any more than men should fritter theirs away on excessive sports or aimless diddling in the garage. That you redeem the time for Christ and his Kingdom.

7) That, if you are single, you exploit your singleness to the full in devotion to Christ and not be paralyzed by the desire to be married.

8) That, if you are married, you creatively and intelligently and sincerely support the leadership of your husband as deeply as obedience to Christ will allow; that you encourage him in his God-appointed role as head; that you influence him spiritually primarily through your fearless tranquility and holiness and prayer.

9) That, if you have children, you accept responsibility with your husband (or alone if necessary) to raise up children who hope in the triumph of God, sharing with him the teaching and discipline of the children, and giving to the children that special nurturing touch and care that you are uniquely fitted to give.

10) That you not assume that secular employment is a greater challenge or a better use of your life than the countless opportunities of service and witness in the home the neighborhood, the community, the church, and the world. That you not only pose the question: Career vs. full time mom? But that you ask as seriously: Full time career vs. freedom for ministry? That you ask: Which would be greater for the Kingdom- to be in the employ of someone telling you what to do to make his business prosper, or to be God's free agent dreaming your own dream about how your time and your home and your creativity could make God's business prosper? And that in all this you make your choices not on the basis of secular trends or yuppie lifestyle expectations, but on the basis of what will strengthen the family and advance the cause of Christ.

11) That you step back and (with your husband, if you are married) plan the various forms of your life's ministry in chapters. Chapters are divided by various things-age, strength, singleness, marriage, employment choices, children at home, children in college, grandchildren, retirement, etc. No chapter has all the joys. Finite life is a series of tradeoffs. Finding God's will, and living for the glory of Christ to the full in every chapter is what makes it a success, not whether it reads like somebody else's chapter or whether it has in it what chapter five will have.

12) That you develop a wartime mentality and lifestyle; that you never forget that life is short, that billions of people hang in the balance of heaven and hell every day, that the love of money is spiritual suicide, that the goals of upward mobility (nicer clothes, cars, houses, vacations, food, hobbies) are a poor and dangerous substitute for the goals of living for Christ with all your might, and maximizing your joy in ministry to people's needs.

13) That in all your relationships with men you seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit in applying the Biblical vision of manhood and womanhood; that you develop a style and demeanor that does justice to the unique role God has given to man to feel responsible for gracious leadership in relation to women-a leadership which involves elements of protection and care and initiative.

14) That you think creatively and with cultural sensitivity (just as he must do) in shaping the style and setting the tone of your interaction with men.

15) That you see Biblical guidelines for what is appropriate and inappropriate for men and women in relation to each other not as arbitrary constraints on freedom but as wise and gracious prescriptions for how to discover the true freedom of God's ideal of complementarity.

16) That you not measure your potential by the few roles withheld but by the countless roles offered.

You can read the entire thing here.