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“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” – Exodus 20:12
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” – Ephesians 6:1

Last month during the first annual Global Action Awards, Miley Cyrus accepted an award for being an “inspiration” to young viewers. Her acceptance speech, however, left very little to be inspired about. She pled with her generation to do what makes them happy, and to “not listen to what our parents want.” No doubt this was brought on by recent interviews of Mr. Miley Cyrus (Billy Ray) talking about the erosion Hannah Montana has caused on his family.

The idea of disobeying our parents, however, has not been far from the mind of every girl in every part of the world at some moment in her life. If we are truly honest with ourselves, obeying our parents can be an active struggle, a mundane, pointless task, and even be the last thing we want to do. So why was Miley Cyrus’ plea such an outrage? What’s the big deal? Is it really that important to obey our parents?

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.”

I still recite this verse with a sing-song tone rolling my eyes at the memories it brings to my mind. My mother had us memorize this verse (she also had us memorize Eph 6:32 if that gives you an idea of the kind of children we were) and recite it during our moments of discipline. “Children, obey your parents…..(exhaustive sigh)….in the Lord….(shifting hips, rolling eyes)….for this is right.” Now that I am an adult child who at younger times “pushed the boundaries” my parents set, I see the biblical precedence and the reason behind it. As a growing child, it is important to obey your parents. But when we get older and move from childhood to womanhood, do we still have to obey? As a grown woman, at what point can I stop listening to my parents? Is there a difference between honoring & obeying?

YES. There is.

Defining Obedience

Obedience carries with it the idea of absolute submission resulting from absolute trust. Webster defines obey as meaning “to conform or comply with; to follow the commands or guidance of.” It has with it implications of completely falling under the authority and jurisdiction of another person so that this individual is now responsible for you and the things that you do. In Scripture, it is most often used in reference to a child learning something from a parent (Prov.1:8; 23:22; Col. 3:20; Eph. 6:1; Lev. 19:3, 32), or Israel learning something from Yahweh.

Defining Honor
Honoring, on the other hand, means “showing esteem and respect to a person of superior standing; evidence or symbol of distinction.” In Hebrew, it also means “to weigh” or “to make heavy.” In other words, when placing the opinion of your parents on a balancing scale opposite the opinion of your friends, your parent’s opinion is going to weigh more because you honor them.

In Scripture, honor is linked to humility (Proverbs 15:33, 18:12; 22:4; 29:23), kindness (Proverbs 21:21), and grace (Proverbs 11:16). In the New Testament, a person of honor was given the best seat in the house (Mark 12:39). Deuteronomy 5:16 shows how honoring our parents brings longevity and prosperity to our lives.

No longer little girls, we have become women who are not under the direct authority of our parents any longer. They are not responsible for us anymore. We give account for our own actions now. Yet there is still a biblical mandate to honor our parents as adults. How do we flesh this out? With humility, kindness and grace, we esteem our parents as people of superior standing, taking their advice and counsel heavier than others. That is how we honor them. For example, if I wanted to buy a new car, would I need my parent’s permission as an adult? Unless my father is my banker, no, I wouldn’t. But would I seek their counsel on the subject? Yes, and I would weigh their counsel more heavily than my friends who may just want to see me in a new flashy ride.

“But what if my parents are crazy?” I had a friend ask me this not too long ago, and for viable reasons. Her parents can seem a little to the left of certifiable. But honoring them doesn’t change simply because their mental health fluctuates. There is still a biblical call to honor them (Exodus 20:12) with kindness, humility, and grace. When looking to honor a parent who may not be emotionally stable, always approach them with respect for they are still your parent. I know this one girl whose parent continually elevates her into positions of parenting her other siblings, and it’s a real challenge for her. But I have seen her time and time again approach this parent with respect and dignity, without giving in and usurping that authority in her sisters’ lives. It’s a balancing act, but it can be done. It may mean stepping away from the situation to collect your thoughts in prayer and counsel before readdressing the matter at hand. It may mean going out of your way on special occasions to show them the care you have for them. Whatever tangible way you show it, your admiration for them should be apparent.

“But what if my parents are lost?” This can be difficult when parents are less than godly or unsaved altogether, because it requires leaning more heavily on the Holy Spirit’s empowerment to fulfill that task. But in that situation, keep in mind you are not responsible for their actions, you are only responsible for your reactions. Don’t get angry and lash out, in doing so you dishonor the status that God has given them in your life. Instead, speak with kindness to your aging parents. Show them grace – even when what they say offends. Humbly ask the Lord for His help. In doing so, you honor the work they did as parents in raising you.

“But what if my biological parents didn’t raise me, do I still have to respect them?” This, too, can be difficult because so often strained relationships are in play from the very start. Paul addresses a similar topic in Romans 12: 16 – 18 when he writes “Live in harmony with one another…Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Whether it’s your birth mom, or the crazy aunt in your family, Paul is saying to make every effort to be a peacemaker, to be kind, to allow God to work, and give grace. This rule applies when it comes to those who may not have played the role as parent, but we should still honor, regardless. After all, if it weren’t for them, you would not be here. For that reason alone, gratitude can be found.

So, why do you think God puts so much stress on honoring and obeying our parents? Is it just so all the chores get done in a home and peace can be cultivated? Or is there a bigger picture, an over-arching factor in play?

Obeying and honoring our parents develops a habit of obedience and a respect for authority in our lives; characteristics that are greatly lacking in our society as a whole.

It is vastly important to learn obedience as a child. I remember growing up, my father would tell me that if I could learn to obey him, I would learn to obey God. This made obedience more serious than chores or homework; it made it about my life and the choices I would make while I lived it. Put it this way: if, as young children we find it easy to say “no” to our parents, as adults, it will be no struggle to say “no” to God. And in doing so, we are missing out on the best He has to offer us; we, also, are welcoming his wrath and judgment into our lives.

God relates to us in terms of the family unit.

It is not by accident that God calls Himself Father and Christ his Son. It was the plan and purpose of God from creation (Gen 2:24) to establish the family unit. It is through the lens of family that God chooses to reveal his character to us. As a Father, He protects, He guides, He chastens, He provides, He nurtures, He admonishes, and He loves unconditionally. We are forever His daughters, joint-heirs with His Son. Understanding our role as children in our earthly family enables us to better understand our role in our heavenly family.

Honor & Obey. As adult children, there is a dividing line on what God expects us to do. As grown women no longer under our parent’s authority, we don’t necessarily have to do everything they tell us. We do, however, always, always have to honor them.

(Sarah Bubar is a regular contributor to Unlocking Femininity, the blog on which this post first appeared)

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Historian Niall Ferguson reminds us that Ernest Hemingway once penned a collection of short stories entitled Men Without Women. The stories are haunting, demonstrating the brutality that comes to men without the presence of women — and especially without the companionship of wives.

He recalls the Hemingway collection in order to underline what is at stake in the growing global threat of missing girls and women. The global gender gap in favor of males is a reversion of the natural pattern. How did it happen? By the widespread practice of aborting and killing baby girls — what is rightly called “gendercide.”

As Ferguson explains, “The mystery is partly explicable in terms of economics. In many Asian societies, girls are less well looked after than boys because they are economically undervalued.”

Years ago, economist Amartya Sen put the number of missing girls and women at 100 million worldwide. As Ferguson argues, that number is surely far larger now.

Consider the scale of the problem:

In China today, according to American Enterprise Institute demographer Nicholas Eberstadt, there are about 123 male children for every 100 females up to the age of 4, a far higher imbalance than 50 years ago, when the figure was 106. In Jiangxi, Guangdong, Hainan, and Anhui provinces, baby boys outnumber baby girls by 30 percent or more. This means that by the time today’s Chinese newborns reach adulthood, there will be a chronic shortage of potential spouses. According to the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, one in five young men will be brideless. Within the age group 20 to 39, there will be 22 million more men than women. Imagine 10 cities the size of Houston populated exclusively by young males.

Ten cities the size of Houston? This staggers the imagination.

Ferguson warns that this gender imbalance has led in the past to outbreaks of expansionism and imperialism. Others have more directly warned of militarism and violence from China’s young men who have no prospects of marriage and a normal family life. These young men are described as China’s “broken branches.” There are millions of these young men in India, as well.

We must look beyond these warnings and see the even larger horror — the tragedy of young girls, aborted and murdered just because they are girls. This, among other vital reasons, is why even the earliest Christians understood abortion to be such a horrific evil. Given the reality of human sinfulness, we now compound abortion with infanticide and gendercide. Is this of interest only to historians and economists?

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It’s Oscar week — the time of year when we have to endure Hollywood’s unending fascination with itself. I didn’t watch the Oscars, nor did I see most of the movies that were nominated. But reading this morning’s paper, I did take note that Natalie Portman won an Oscar for best actress for her role in Black Swan. To me, this is a telling sign of current ideas surrounding female sexuality.

In the movie, Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman), a dancer, is chosen to compete for the lead role in the “Swan Lake” ballet. However, the lead must maintain an adequate portrayal of both the delicate, virtuous “white” Swan, and the evil, sensual “black” one. Nina’s precise technique makes her an ideal casting for the White Swan, but her director, Thomas, claims that she lacks the sexual passion for the latter role. When Thomas forces a kiss on her, her fierce response convinces him that she just might have the capacity for darkness, and he gives her the role.

The remainder of the movie chronicles Nina’s emerging awareness and experimentation with the dark side of her sexuality. The audience watches as she masturbates, hallucinates about having sex with her understudy, Lily, and envisions a three-some encounter with Thomas and Lily. As Nina gives way to her violent and passionate dark side, the white and black aspects of her personality battle with one another, but in the end, Nina is able to hold both together in the performance of her life. The film draws to a close with Nina staring up at the stage lights while whispering “I felt it. Perfect. I was perfect,” as the screen fades to white and the audience chants her name.

Now you may think that this is just a Hollywood movie, but the ideas about female sexuality it promotes are dangerous, and becoming more and more pervasive. Today, young women are inundated with the idea that they need to explore and discover their dark, seductive, sensual side through masturbation, pornography, same sex and/or multi-partner sex.  Until they do, they will remain frigid, undeveloped, and incomplete. Sexual experimentation is how a woman gets in touch with her power. Embracing both “darkness” and “light” brings out her true beauty. It is what made Nina “perfect.”

The lie is as old as time. Satan tricked the first woman into believing that “white” was boring… incomplete, lacking passion—and that “black” was beautiful, harmless, and oh-so-desirable. He convinced her that God’s rules were ridiculously restrictive, and that she’d attain a greater level of perfection by indulging in the forbidden fruit. The temptation to believe the lie was—and still is— incredibly powerful.

I have not seen the movie Black Swan — the storyline and graphic sexual images would not be healthy for my soul. But I know that many young Christian women have seen the movie, and have secretly been intrigued with thoughts of darkness, as the main character, Nina was. To all who are tempted to look, think about, or indulge in darkness, please DON’T!  Hollywood entices you to think that doing so will make you as beautiful as Natalie Portman’s Black Swan. But this could not be farther from the truth. Darkness mars the spectacular beauty of light. It turns white swans into messed-up, crippled, ugly ducklings. No woman is as dazzlingly attractive as the one who turns her back on darkness and passionately embraces the light.

In Black Swan, Portman presents the lie that embracing sexual darkness leads to beauty and perfection. And for this convincing act, I suppose Hollywood got it right. She probably does deserve an Oscar!

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Women are not stupid  One big misunderstanding that exists among our culture, is that Christian women are stupid—that we’re unable to engage our minds or contribute effectively to society.  We should stay home eating Cheetos and just mindlessly do everything our husband tells us to do, wike good wittle wives…  But, is that who God has created women to be?  Is this what the Bible communicates to us?  Of course not!  What needs to be understood, by both men and women, is the compassionate, beautiful, good, biblical truth about how God created us and what He created us for.

On roles in the church  Men and women were created in God’s image.  In his book, Different by Design, John MacArthur says it well, “While there is no disputing the equality of men and women as believers in Christ, God specifically calls qualified men to lead His church.  Women have unique opportunities for service in the church and are in many ways its warmth and depth, but God’s basic design for leadership for the church is for men to be in authority.”  This can be found in 1 Timothy 3:1-7.  Some would say that this passage of Scripture needs to be reevaluated or reinterpreted.  It’s dangerous to reinterpret scripture based on the demands of a culture that is growing farther and farther away from God.

The role of a woman in the church is something to be valued and appreciated.  Women are biblically permitted to take part in everything relating to the church, except for the positions of pastor and elder, which require expositing from the Scriptures.  Men are designed to be the spiritual leaders in the church, but women can certainly be a part of some forms of leadership, especially over women’s ministries, ladies bible studies, etc.  It is good for women to pour our hearts into other women.  We need each other, and benefit greatly from each others’ insights. 

Also in Different by Design, MacArthur says this about that passage in 1^st Timothy, “you’ll find that Paul’s commands and restrictions are a means of great blessing, not a declaration of second-class status.”  I think this is where many women find themselves today—struggling against what they think is a second-class status—but, the complimentarian view (and the Bible!) doesn’t teach that women are second-class.

On equality  Some women are fighting tooth and nail for equality in the church as if they want to rise above their second-class status, yet we are equal in worth before the sight of God.  A biblical church does not treat women as second-class citizens, and I wish more women could be exposed to biblical teaching so they would see that they don’t need to strive.  It is wonderful and freeing to embrace the roles that God has designed for us.

The Bible teaches several ways in which women are equal to men.  Galatians 3:24-28 says, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”  In Fifty Crucial Questions, the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood explains the meaning of this verse:

“The context of Galatians 3:28 makes abundantly clear the sense in which men and women are equal in Christ. They are equally justified by faith (v. 24), equally free from the bondage of legalism (v. 25) equally clothed with Christ (v. 27), equally possessed by Christ (v. 29), and equally heirs of the promises to Abraham (v. 29). This last blessing is especially significant, namely, the equality of being a fellow-heir with the men of the promises.”

So it can be seen that Scripture does not teach that women are inferior.  Women have just as much access to God’s grace in salvation as men do, and this is the most important thing!  Let’s not lose sight of this.  There’s no need to keep striving for equality.  Women already have it in Christ.  We just don’t know it.  We choose to believe lies instead of learn the truth.

An effect of feminism  Feminism and feminist theology has made its way into churches today.  What is interesting is that many of the women who are fighting for this seem to have lost any concept of biblical femininity, because they are striving to be something they were never intended to be.  I wonder if that, itself, might be the source of their unsettled hearts.  Donald Bloesch, talked about this a little bit in his book Is the Bible Sexist?  He made this observation:

“Some feminist theologians have supported the androgynous ideal in which the polarity between masculinity is transcended. In this perspective, sexual distinctions are downplayed, and unisex becomes the new goal. It is said that people should see themselves as composed of both masculine and feminine elements and should try to integrate these within themselves.” 

Unisex becomes the new goal?  What a sad goal, no?  Everything that is special about the way God creatively made us is destroyed.   

On “being silent”  Some may question what the Bible teaches in 1 Corinthians 14:34, “that women should remain silent in churches.”  They may say that Scripture teaches that women should not speak at all in church, and of course, people have a problem with that.  I think most people would have a problem with that if that’s what it was teaching, but it’s not.  Fifty Crucial Questions from CBMW answers this concern:

“The reason we believe Paul does not mean for women to be totally silent in the church is that in 1 Corinthians 11:5, he permits women to pray and prophesy in church . . . we notice in both 1 Corinthians 14:35 and 1 Corinthians 11:6 that Paul’s concern is for what is “shameful” or “disgraceful” for women.  The issue is not whether women are competent or intelligent or wise taught.  The issue is how they relate to the men of the church.  In 1 Corinthians 14:34 Paul speaks of submission, and in 1 Corinthians 11:3 he speaks of man as head.  So the issue of shamefulness is at root an issue of doing something that would dishonor the role of the men as leaders of the congregation.  If all speaking were shameful in this way, then Paul could not have condoned a woman’s praying and prophesying…what is at stake is not that women are praying and prophesying in public, but how they are doing it.  That is, are they doing it with the dress and demeanor that signify their affirmation of the headship of the men who are called to lead the church?”

So, the issue is not whether or not a woman can speak in church, or whether or not women are competent and intelligent, but rather how women speak—if it is respectful of the role of men as leadership in the church.

A fantastic article that will clear up some questions  There is an article written by John MacArthur entitled, The Biblical Portrait of Women: Setting the Record Straight.  It digs deeper into some of these issues.  I highly, highly recommend it as it explains a lot about the sin in our culture, and what God says about the honor of women. You can find and enjoy it at www.gty.org/Resources/Articles/A265.

Encouragement  Right now in our culture, despite the hostility toward biblical roles, I think something refreshing is happening.  People’s lives are being changed by these things.  Mine was.  I’m so thankful that I was introduced to some of these things when I started taking classes at The Master’s College back in 2005.  It has remained a topic that really excites me.  The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood is producing great materials on these issues and I think the word is catching on.  It seems like there’s a real desire, among some, to get to the heart of biblical Christianity and how it applies to relating to one another.

In the end, while women have been treated poorly in the past and are currently being treated poorly in many ways, the issue doesn’t lie in what the Bible teaches, the issue is sin.  If men and women functioned the way the Lord intended us to, much of the hurt that has been caused and is being caused could be avoided.  The problem is not what God’s Word says, the problem is with us—with men and women—sinful creatures who disobey God.  Men have sinfully mistreated women, and women have responded sinfully.  But, if biblical manhood and womanhood hasn’t been lived out in the past, let’s live it out now!  As we seek to live biblical, God-honoring lives, these truths will prove themselves to be desirable above all else! 

While the understanding of biblical manhood and womanhood is growing in our culture, it’s still quite a rare reality for most people.  Let’s change that by actively pursuing the understanding and the living-out of our beautiful roles as they were created for us by our loving God.

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I remember going through a feminist-type of phase, maybe around eight or nine years ago.  At the time, I felt like “guys were jerks”.  We might have hurtful memories or maybe we’ve observed the difficult circumstances of our friends or relatives, and sometimes we can let these things influence the way we think.  This might be one reason why some women turn their noses up at men and aren’t real thrilled to talk about what the Bible has to say relating to womanhood.  But God is working in the hearts of many men and women, teaching them to love Him and to desire to show godly love to one another, and it is so awesome.

What was exciting for me is when I learned that God has a design for men and women.  And it is lovely if we take the time to really know it.  Before I went to The Master’s College, I knew nothing about these things, so it was really fun to start learning and I’ve found it to be sooo good that I’m trying to keep building on the things I learned at school.  When I was younger, though, it seemed like the “nice” thing to do was to kind of agree with whatever the culture was saying.  Plus, with how easy it is to find information online, we have great access to a lot of different opinions; so how do we know who or what to believe?  It can be confusing.  I think we usually take a bunch of different influences and shape them into what we believe, but if that’s not rooted and grounded in the Scriptures it will lead to more confusion and ungodly thinking.

Be careful what you read  I once came across a blog that’s run by a college professor/philosopher/atheist.  He wrote about his thoughts relating to women teaching men in the church.  His entry was given in response to a church that wouldn’t allow a woman to teach a coeducational Sunday School class.  His advice was to “take the obvious step and denounce the “sacred text” [the Bible] as nothing but the misogynistic writing of ignorant men who lived thousands of years ago, to be dismissed on the ground that our understanding of human ethics and rights is much better now.”

A person who hasn’t been exposed to anything different might agree with this man and not think another thing of it.  But there are a few things seriously wrong with what he says.

Firstly, an understanding of God’s good design for men and women proves that the Bible is not misogynistic at all, but we won’t know that unless we study it.  And God’s Word tells us clearly that it was God Himself who worked in the men who did the writing, and that the Bible is inspired (breathed out) by Him, working through the human authors, so the claim that the men were ignorant, really isn’t an issue.  The men who did the writing surely weren’t perfect.  They weren’t sinless.  But it was God who worked through them to record His Word in a written format.  (2 Peter 1:21, 2 Timothy 3:16).

Also, we have to be careful when people say that the Bible should be dismissed for any reason. The Word of God should never be dismissed.  It is just as applicable now as it was when it was written.  It might take more time to study what certain parts of it meant during biblical times and then to see how it applies to the culture we live in, but God’s Word is timeless—His truth is still truth today, and will remain truth no matter what changes in our culture.  God has preserved His Word.  (Matthew 5:18)

And the fact that some churches don’t let women teach men or become pastors doesn’t immediately mean that those churches are treating women unequally.  Though, not all churches live out biblical manhood and womanhood—some could very well have ungodly practices—so it is good to know these things so we can tell the difference.  We shouldn’t automatically assume the church, or Christianity in general, is out to degrade women, though.  The gospel itself is proof that it is not.

God’s good design, defined  “God created two distinct types of people—male and female, masculine and feminine—with different roles and abilities for the propagation and nurturing of the race…  The vision of manhood and womanhood is shaped by a passion for reality—the beautiful reality of complementary differentiation that God designed for our joy in the beginning when God created us male and female equally in his image…the term complementarian suggests both equality and beneficial differences between men and women.”

This is a definition of God’s complementary design for us, provided in Fifty Crucial Questions: An Overview of Central Concerns About Manhood and Womanhood, a resource published by CBMW.

Tomorrow: Part II