When I was a single woman in my mid-thirties, I invited the elders of my church and their wives to a formal holiday dinner as a way of expressing my thanks to them for their care and ministry. As I served the standing rib roast on a table set with china and crystal, one man remarked, "Wow. I never would have done this when I was single. It would have been pizza for everyone!"

This pastor offered this comment as an expression of thanks and I received it that way. But I did ponder it afterward, realizing that for many people the link between youthful inexperience and singleness is inextricably linked. In my early 20s, I too would have served pizza on paper plates, if indeed I had thought at all about offering hospitality.

This is one of the potential pastoral challenges to ministering to single adults. We are often The Singles, one monolithic block of unmarried people. But there are as many stages and seasons to single adult life as there are for married adults. A single woman in her 50s with a demanding career caring for elderly parents is not equivalent to a recent college grad who is still living at home. Both are unmarried, yes, but chances are, the older single woman and the parents of the college grad may have more in common.

Through the years, I've observed that The Singles can be a prickly lot to pastor. Whatever leaders say from the pulpit about singleness is guaranteed to encourage some and offend more. I know because I've been in both camps, depending on where I am in the cycle of hope or despair and how I am working that out in my soul before God.

Therefore, I have a list of insights about single adults that I'd like to offer to church leaders. The hope here is that these ideas will foster a stronger connection between unmarried people and their local congregations:

You are not shepherding a dating service - wait, yes you are.

Churches should have a high view of marriage and uphold it without apology. But church leaders also need to recognize that when marriage is devalued in our culture, that brokenness comes into the church, too. There was a time when older members of any community worked hard to ensure the next generation married well. In our current hands-off approach, many single adults are adrift and need help to meet and marry wisely because that's not a priority in our culture.

In the face of that neglect, the church should be proactive about facilitating what God prizes in Scripture. That said, there's a huge difference between being nosy busybodies and facilitating relationships among single adults. In my observation, the best resource the local church has is married men who befriend and mentor single men - not to "fix" them, but to invest in them as brothers.

So to help unmarried adults meet and marry well, the church needs to be proactive about creating contexts for singles to meet each other and live out dating relationships in the context of community. What that looks like will depend on many factors specific to local communities, which is why church elders need to lead and shape this process.

Marriage is not the ultimate prize.

While I believe all churches should prize marriage and family, I also believe we have to be careful about the unintentional messages potentially conveyed about marriage and family. Both are gifts for this life alone. The one relationship that survives eternally is the one we have as the Bride of Christ to our beloved Savior. The relationships that we all have as brothers and sisters in Christ are the ones that will not end-and these need to be cultivated as much as family life is cultivated. Additionally, single adults need to be reminded that God has not withheld his very best from them if they remain unmarried.

The Singles are actually unmarried men and women.

It's important that unmarried men and women are discipled as men and women and not a generic lump of singleness. From my perspective, Scripture's emphasis is on being made a man or a woman in the image of God, with a secondary emphasis on how that looks in the various roles and seasons of life. Unmarried men and women are no less masculine or feminine because of being single.

Single men need leadership responsibilities.

Put 1 Corinthians 7 to work in your churches by showing that the church actually needsunmarried adults who are devoted to the Lord, especially single men. What this looks like will be different in various churches. But when church leaders ask unmarried men to take on significant responsibilities, they demonstrate a belief that godly singleness is a tremendous asset to the Body of Christ.

Single adults are not workhorses.

Conversely, unmarried men and women are not the church's workhorses. As a new believer, I was in big demand as a new babysitting resource in the church. While I was thrilled to get to know so many families, one wise woman saw the burnout coming. She advised me to pray and ask God which of these families he was asking me to invest in. By knowing those relationships where I was to say yes, I knew also where I could say no without guilt.

Years later, when the speaking invitations started to roll in after the publication of my first book, my pastor saw where I could be driven by an open calendar. He suggested I create an advisory board to help me evaluate my invitations and schedule. The goal of the advisory board was to make sure I was not traveling too much. Even though I am unmarried, I still need to make my home and my home church priorities. I need time to receive care from close friends and also to return that nurturing.

Understand the challenges of endless opportunity.

One wise pastor once told a group of single adults that he was sympathetic to the challenges of endless opportunity. Because he was a pastor, father, and husband, the boundaries of his day were fairly well-defined from the moment he woke up. He knew his responsibilities and the priorities given to him by God and he didn't have to spend a lot of time deciding what he was supposed to do.

But single adults can think they don't have those same clear priorities and can be tempted to drift through their days. But we actually do have many of the same boundaries and priorities in working faithfully as unto the Lord, in building up our local churches, in reaching out to non-Christians, in praying for others, in caring for the family members and friends we have (especially as single parents), in offering hospitality, and so forth. Though some of the most intimate relationships may be different, we all share a basic set of priorities and we often need to be reminded of that.

Single men trust God by risking rejection and single women trust God by waiting on him.

It's all about trusting God's good provision for our lives. Encourage single men and women to read Ruth. Not because it's a matchmaking book (it's really not), but because we all tend to be like Naomi. We survey our circumstances and think we know exactly what God is doing. . . or not doing. But we simply have no idea that he is doing more than we can ask or imagine. His quiet providence is on display everywhere and an eagerness to look for that and praise him for it cultivates gratitude.

Don't be afraid to challenge bitterness.

Extended singleness is a form of suffering. There is an appropriate time for mourning with those who mourn. This is especially true for women who see the window of fertility closing on them without the hope of bearing children. Don't minimize the cumulative years of dashed hopes for unmarried adults.

That said, we single adults need loving challenges when we have allowed a root of bitterness to spring up and block our prayers to God, our fellowship with others, and our service to the church. Deferred hopes cannot be allowed to corrode our thankfulness for the gift of salvation.

It's not self-improvement, it's others-improvement.

Too often our advice to unmarried adults stems from worldly thinking that infects us all. We give advice to improve and equip the unmarried adult to attract better relationships, rather than reminding them they are stewards of whatever relationships they have been given.

While it's true that there are things every adult can do (married or not) to be more attractive in myriads of ways, there is no guarantee that a trimmer figure, a more confident conversational style, or a better job will be worthy of an eternal reward. However, if we think of each individual who crosses our paths as a beloved sister or brother in the Lord about whose care and treatment we will give an account to Jesus one day-this radically alters everything.

It means dating is no longer a zero sum game that results in a littered landscape of broken relationships and cut-off communication. It's not whether boy gets girl. It's whether we can look Jesus in the eye and say, "Thank you for the time you gave me with this person. I did my best to encourage and pray for this individual while I knew him/her. I loved without fear of loss because I wanted to be like you. So by your grace, I did my very best to build up this man/woman and return him/her to you with thanks for the gift of this relationship." Because even if we get married, that's also what we have to do for our spouses. 

As John Piper wrote in This Momentary Marriage, "The meaning of marriage is the display of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his people." Though it is not on display in exactly the same way in the lives of unmarried adults, we are part of the Bride of Christ and recipients of his faithful covenant love. Therefore, how we care for others who are also Christ's beloved speaks volumes to a watching world, to the praise of his glory.

A few weeks ago, Gender Blog published a post giving the details of an excellent new book about raising sons titled Time for The Talk: Leading Your Son Into True Manhood (Shepherd Press) by Steve Zollos. At that time, I promised an occasional series of posts using excerpts from that book and today's post begins that series.

As both a father and a son of a father, I know all too well how awkward and weird "The Talk" about "the facts of life" can be; my own father grimaced and blushed through a very brief monologue on this topic when I turned 16, a talk I remember more for the humor I found in his discomfort level and fumbling words than for pertinent information. Dad was a member of the World War II generation, and they really didn't talk about such things, but my father gave the old "college try." I am my father's son and thus, I need to be reminded that "The Talk" is part of training my two sons in righteousness, a critical part of training them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord Jesus Christ, a part I must get right according to the Scriptures. Below is an excerpt from the introductory chapter of Time for The Talk. Let it serve as a beginning to theis conversation and let is serve as a pep talk for skittish fathers who desire to lay aside artificial scruples and teach their sons the true meaning of manhood:

"As fathers, we are tempted to abdicate our responsibility in this area. We get lazy and take the easy way out: we lie to ourselves. We think, ‘My boy knows these things. He's not ignorant. He's a good kid. He'll do fine. As a result, we deliver a useless little talk or skip it completely.  The truth is that your son doesn't know as he ought to know, and in this area he is ignorant. He was born ignorant, and nothing in society can properly fix that. No random bits of information about sex; no value-neutral program of sex education; no myths or urban legends; no sensual movies or glimpses of pornography; not even actual sexual contact can truly teach a boy about what it means to be a man.

Yes, many boys do understand a few things about sexuality and manhood-in a vague, hazy sort of way, but that's not nearly good enough. In fact, incomplete or inaccurate information can be more harmful than no information at all! It's true that a boy can navigate through the changes and perils of growing up without the advantage of a father's godly leadership. It happens all the time, but it's a poor Plan B. Just look at all the lost young men in today's world who had to try to find their own way. Now imagine if their fathers had really walked beside them with loving wisdom during their teen years. Many of them would certainly be very different today.

 Until you have had The Talk with your son, in the way it ought to be done, most of what he thinks he knows about becoming a man will have been picked up from friends, movies, television, the internet, his own feelings, or unhelpful books and magazines. These are hardly reliable sources. There is only one place your son can learn, not merely accurate information, but the right emphasis, tone, sense of responsibility, and biblical perspective he must have in order to become a true man: he must learn it from you."

[NOTE: The following article was published on Russell D. Moore's blog, Moore to the Point, this week. It is an excellent answer to a very real question.]

A couple of months ago, I posted a question about an ethical dilemma a recently engaged woman is facing. She just found out that her spouse to-be has had "ongoing struggles with pornography." She isn't sure what to do, or how to make sure the issue is sufficiently addressed. You gave your thoughts on the issue, and here are mine.

Dear Engaged and Confused,

Far too many women are watching "The Notebook" or "Twilight" for indicators on what kind of man they should marry. Instead, you probably should watch "The Wolf Man."

Have you ever seen any of those old werewolf movies? You know, those in which the terrified man, dripping with sweat, chains himself in the basement and says to his friends, "Whatever you do, no matter what I say or how I beg, don't let me ought of there." He sees the full-moon coming and he's taking action to protect everyone against himself.

In a very real sense, that's what the Christian life is about. We all have points of vulnerability, areas of susceptibility to sin and self-destruction. There are beings afoot in the universe who watch these points and who know how to collaborate with our biology and our environment to slaughter us.

Wisdom means knowing where those weak points are, recognizing deception for what it is, and warring against ourselves in order to maintain fidelity to Christ and to those God has given us.

What worries me about your situation is not that your potential husband has a weakness for pornography, but that you are just now finding out about it. That tells me he either doesn't see it as the marriage-engulfing horror that it is, or that he has been too paralyzed with shame.

What you need is not a sinless man. You need a man deeply aware of his sin and of his potential for further sin. You need a man who can see just how capable he is of destroying himself and your family. And you need a man with the wisdom to, as Jesus put it, gouge out whatever is dragging him under to self-destruction.

This means a man who knows how to subvert himself. I'd want to know who in his life knows about the porn and how they, with him, are working to see to it that he can't transgress without exposure. I'd want to know from him how he plans to see to it that he can't hide this temptation from you, after the marriage.

It may mean that the nature of his temptation means that you two shouldn't have computer in the house. It might mean that you have immediate transcription of all his Internet activity. It might be all sorts of obstacles that he's placing in his way. The point is that, in order to love you,  he must fight (Eph. 5:25; Jn. 10), and part of that fight will be against himself.

Pornography is a universal temptation precisely because it does exactly what the satanic powers wish to do. It lashes out at the Trinitarian nature of reality, a loving communion of persons, replacing it with a masturbatory Unitarianism.

And pornography strikes out against the picture of Christ and his church by disrupting the one-flesh union, leaving couples like our prehistoric ancestors, hiding from one another and from God in the darkness of shame.

And pornography rages, as Satan always does, against Incarnation (1 Jn. 4:2-3), replacing flesh-to-flesh intimacy with the illusion of fleshless intimacy.

There's not a guarantee that you can keep your marriage from infidelity, either digital or carnal, but you can make sure the man you're following into it knows the stakes, knows how to repent, and knows the meaning of fighting the world, the flesh, and the devil all the way to a cross.

In short, find a man who knows what his "full moon" is, what it is that drives him to vulnerability to his beastly self. Find a man who knows how to subvert himself, and how to ask others to help.

You won't find a silver bullet for all of this, but you just might find a gospel-clinging wolf man.

(Russell D. Moore serves as dean of the School of Theology and senior vice president for academic administration at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Ky.)

[Recently] I had an interesting conversation with Rachel Held Evans, who is writing a book on "A Year of Biblical Womanhood." Though Rachel and I would likely disagree on several points regarding the Bible's teaching on womanhood, I deeply appreciate the opportunity for us to dialogue and engage on the topic. Rachel asked me to answer three questions about submission:

• What are some common misconceptions about what it means to be a "submissive wife."
• Why might some (think secular audience) be surprised to learn that you submit to your husband. In other words, how do you yourself defy the stereotype?
• How long have you been married, and how has submission worked out practically in your marriage? (In other words, what does it look like when you submit to your husband?)

Those are excellent questions!  Here's how I answered her first question, "What are some common misconceptions about what it means to be a "submissive wife?"

Seven Misconceptions about Submission:

Misconception #1: Submission is universal-the directive applies to all women, even those outside of the faith community.

The biblical directive to submit applies specifically to Christians-it cannot be upheld as a necessity for those outside the faith community. People without the indwelling power of the Holy Spirit have neither the discernment nor the power to live out submission and authority in a godly manner.

Misconception #2: Submission is gender-exclusive-it's just for women.

Men have a responsibility to submit too-it's not just something that's required of women. EVERY Christian, female or male, has the responsibility to submit to the Lord, and also to the authorities the Lord has placed in his or her life. What's more, the biblical concepts of submission and authority cannot be disassociated. The two are indivisibly connected. A biblical definition of submission cannot be understood apart from a biblical definition of authority.

Misconception #3: Submission is generic-every woman submits to every man.

The Bible instructs a wife to submit herself to her own husband; not to men in general.

Misconception #4: Submission is a right-a husband has the right to demand his wife's submission.

A husband does not have the right to demand or extract submission from his wife. Submission is HER choice-her responsibility... it is NOT his right!! Not ever. She is to "submit herself"- deciding when and how to submit is her call. In a Christian marriage, the focus is never on rights, but on personal responsibility. It's his responsibility to be affectionate. It's her responsibility to be agreeable. The husband's responsibility is to sacrificially love as Christ loved the Church-not to make his wife submit.

Misconception #5: Submission is indiscriminate-it means mindless acquiescence.

A Christian's first responsibility is to submit to the Lord and His standard of righteousness. A wife is not called to submit to sin, mistreatment, or abuse. The Lord does not want "weak-willed" women-women who lack the discernment and strength to respond to the right things and in the right way. Godly women do not submit to sin. They carefully and intentionally weigh and discern how to submit to sinful human authority in light of their primary responsibility to submit to the ways of the Lord. No brain-dead doormats or spineless bowls of Jello here! Submission is neither mindless nor formulaic nor simplistic. Submitting to the Lord sometimes involves drawing clear boundaries and enacting consequences when a husband sins. Submission is an attitude of the heart. A woman can have a submissive spirit even when saying "no" and refusing to go along with sin.

Misconception #6: Submission precludes mutuality-it creates lopsided, one-way relationships.

Submission and authority function hand-in-hand with all the other biblical directives about how Christians ought to interact with one another. Along with submitting to her husband, a Christian wife also has the responsibility to be transparent, speak truth, confront sin, and challenge her husband to ever increasing levels of holiness. As heirs together of the grace of life, both husband and wife have the responsibility to love, encourage, and build one another up; and to interact with forbearance, kindness and humility. Biblical authority and submission contribute to mutuality, and do not diminish or detract from it. (It's "both-and" not "either-or.")

Misconception #7: Submission promotes abuse-it encourages husbands to be domineering, self-centered boors.

When properly understood and enacted, the framework of hierarchical relationships within the Christian community serves a protective function, because every authority is accountable to a higher authority. This community structure encourages husbands to fulfill their responsibility to love as Christ loves, and holds them to account when they don't. It fosters Christlikeness and prevents abuse. A wife whose husband is abusive can appeal to higher authorities for intervention and protection. It is the responsibility of the authorities to protect and seek the good of all those under their care.

Defying the Stereotype

Rachel's second question was "Why might some (think secular audience) be surprised to learn that you submit to your husband. In other words, how do you yourself defy the stereotype?

My answer:

My husband takes his responsibility to love me as Christ loves the Church seriously. I take my responsibility to submit to him seriously. That means that I am cherished and have a voice. That means that he is respected and supported. I work with him, and pull in the same direction. Some might be surprised that I believe in submission because my marriage displays a unity, intimacy, and mutuality that is deep, profound and enviable. I am flourishing. I have what most women want. And it is a great paradox how it is has been achieved. The way of faith is the way of paradox: lose your life to live it, give to receive. It is also a great paradox that honoring God's pattern for authority and submission in marriage fosters unity and mutuality.

What Does Submission Look Like?

Rachel's third question was "How long have you been married, and how has submission worked out practically in your marriage? (In other words, what does it look like when you submit to your husband?)

My answer:

I've been married for 29 years-"just getting going" says my mom, who's been married for 62.

"What it looks like" is a difficult question, since submission is not something foreign-not something "other"-to the character of a redeemed woman. Submission is not as much an "action" as it is an "attitude." So it can't be dictated by behavioral prescriptives. Submission boils down to a having spirit of amenability. It means being soft, receptive, responsive, and agreeable. Because of the misconceptions surrounding the definition of submission, I actually prefer to use the term "amenability." Amenability comes from the French amener (to lead). An amenable woman is "leadable" as opposed to "ungovernable" She's responsive to input and likely to cooperate. Amenability is part of the three-fold womanly disposition of 1 Peter 3:4-5, which includes gentleness, calmness, and amenability-which works itself out in a married woman's life in submission to her husband.

So "what it looks like" on an on-going basis, is that I am soft, receptive, and agreeable toward my husband. I love responding to his lead. I respect who God created him to be as a man-and support his efforts to provide godly oversight for our family. I respect the position of responsibility that goes along with being a husband and father. "Respect" is probably the best word to describe what submission looks like in my marriage.

For me, submission is one of those things that is far more easily identified by its absence rather than its presence. I know that I am struggling with it when I am critical, impatient, defiant, and "snarky" toward my husband-when I refuse to cooperate and am unresponsive to input, when I rush in and take control, when I fail to "provide space" to allow my husband the opportunity to be a man and provide godly oversight for our family. In other words, it's not readily apparent to me when I'm submitting, but it's painfully obvious to me when I am not. I sense that I am disrespecting/ disregarding my husband, taking control, and pulling against him rather than for and with him.

So what do you think?  Is there anything I missed?  Which misconception do you encounter the most? How would you answer Rachel's three questions?

(This post originally ran on Mary Kassian's blog at www.girlsgonewise.com)

With Tim Tebow now gracing the cover of virtually every sports magazine (and other mags, I saw him on the cover of the National Enquirer this morning while standing in line at the supermarket, the photo adorned with the headline "Tebow's Hush-Hush Marriage") and the NFL divisional playoffs looming tomorrow, I felt it appropriate to republish an article I wrote about Tebow in 2009 when he was a senior at the University of Florida, terrorizing the SEC and glorifying God all the way. Gender Blog ran my article under the healine "Tim Tebow: A Pleasing Dilemma," but with our dear brother now taking snaps for the Denver Broncos, the dilemma is solved: my son may embrace him as a full-blown hero.  Below is my article from Sept. 29, 2009 and I republish it because my appreciation for Tebow has only grown much as has his propensity for, by God's grace of course, willing his team to victory:



For nearly four years, Tim Tebow has presented something of a dilemma in my home. He is an all-American quarterback, perhaps one of the two or three best players ever to play the college game. He is, as we say in my rural Georgia hometown, "tougher than pig iron," often battering his body and willing his troops to victory like Aragorn at Helms Deep. Opposing players see Tebow in the huddle and shudder. He plays every down as if it were his last. I really like that.

But, herein lies our dilemma: he plays for the Florida Gators, the national champions, and my family has for decades bled the red and black of the Georgia Bulldogs, my alma mater's entry in the toughest sports conference in America. For us, the operative equation goes something like this: Dawgs plus Gators equals mortal enemies. But here is my recent problem: Tim Tebow is my brother in Christ. He shares the Gospel, undertakes missions work, and seeks to live a Godward life with the same tenacity that he displays when it is third-and-goal on the opponent's one-yard line. Tebow wears eye black emblazoned with John 3:16 and he plays football the way a Christian should: smash mouth, grit-and-gunpowder, all out all the time, to the glory of God. It is exceedingly difficult to root against such a brother. Tebow's full story is available here.

Last season (2008), after Florida suffered its lone defeat of the year, Tebow publicly shouldered the blame for the loss. In a memorable post-game press conference, he pledged to apply every ounce of his strength toward winning the remaining games. Florida won 10 straight (steamrolling our beloved Bulldogs along the way), its final victory coming in the national championship game against Oklahoma. Florida's streak began with Tebow exhibiting a concise summary of biblical manhood - tenacious humility. And Tebow's tenacious humility became the tracks upon which the streak rode. Last weekend, Tebow suffered a concussion against Kentucky, but I suspect he'll be back very soon. He's not the game-missing kind.

Recently, my oldest son (now nine) asked me if it would be okay if he adopted Tim Tebow as a hero so long as he maintained his primary allegiance to a certain team from Athens, Ga. (where, incidentally, head coach Mark Richt, a vibrant follower of Christ, is also a wonderful example of biblical manhood). I didn't have to think very long. "Absolutely," I told him, wondering if I had really just signed off on such a request. This dilemma has stretched me; it has made me pray for the grace to live in accord with the difficult imperatives of Romans 12, which is always a good thing. In the same manner as Paul admonished believers to imitate him insofar as he imitated Christ, I want my boys to be like Tebow because he is a very clear and winsome example of what biblical manhood should look like in a young man.

One does not have to delve very deep to find a vibrant and orthodox faith living within college football's brightest star. This past summer, Tebow was asked about his commitment to stay pure until marriage. Could it be true? "Yes," he told a cynical media corps, without blinking. Tebow believes the Bible teaches that sex is the exclusive privilege of a man and woman within the bonds of marriage. He said so without blinking, later admitting that he does not date. And so authentic was his answer and so authentic has been his walk before a watching public, the usually snarky fifth estate received the answer without the customary ridicule. "How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word." (Ps. 119:9)

Tebow is unashamed of Christ and all the implications that come from following Him. He is willing to endure mockery and ridicule for Christ because, as he recently told ESPN in an interview, living for Christ is life and death. And football?  Well, he told ESPN, it is just a game and it is by no means ultimate; Christ and the Gospel are. (Note from 2012: he reiterated this point after last Sunday's stunning overtime victory over Pittsburgh in the NFL playoffs)

This is what biblical manhood does. Biblical manhood carries out assigned tasks with diligent effort to the glory of God. It walks unashamedly with Christ and risks alienating the city of man on issues such as sexual purity because it lives with a greater city in view. It lovingly, humbly, and with biblical tenacity, leads and protects those placed under its care, manfully shouldering the blame and repenting when it fails. Biblical manhood enjoys the good gifts God has given while worshiping the Giver as the supreme treasure. And it pushes fathers to teach their sons that love for the body of Christ trumps affections for their favorite football team.

Go Dawgs, but God bless you brother Tim. Thank you for giving my sports-crazed son a snapshot of Christ and a reminder of the supremacy of the Gospel.